Stand Up Comedian Quotes

#1. Diane sometimes hears that Troy is an actuary. Sometimes she hears Troy is a florist. Sometimes she hears Troy is a cop, a toll collector, a professor, a musician, a stand-up comedian. Once, she heard a terrible rumor he became a librarian but she could not imagine Troy becoming the darkest of evil beasts no matter what he had done to her. Is it even possible for a human to become a librarian? #Quote by Joseph Fink

#2. He'd promise to see an organic nutritionist, aromatherapist, deep-tissue masseuse, feng shui consultant, yoga master, and Mormon stand-up comedian if those promises would help him get off this mountain. #Quote by Sherman Alexie

#3. Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you're a stand-up comedian so they're always looking for somebody funny to host an event. #Quote by Chelsea Handler

#4. I'm a stand-up comedian-turned-actor-turned-vampire at night. #Quote by Vir Das

#5. I don't think of myself as funny - I don't fill up a room with my humor ... I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian. #Quote by Steve Carell

#6. I'm probably more of a stand-up comedian than an actor. #Quote by Kevin Nealon

#7. I started out as a stand-up comedian. And that's what I'm most comfortable doing. #Quote by Eddie Murphy

#8. I come from the stage. I started my career as a stand-up comedian and then later on became an actor. #Quote by Patrick Huard

#9. You don't need to be stable to be a stand-up comedian. #Quote by David Steinberg

#10. I've been a stand-up comedian for years, and I can be silly. #Quote by Diane Neal

#11. Do the Sanguinati have trouble with mosquitoes?"
"You mean, do the big bloodsuckers get pestered by the little bloodsuckers?"
Judging by my attorney's laughter, if I failed to turn The Jumble into a viable business, I could always get a job as a stand-up comedian in a vampire bar. #Quote by Anne Bishop

#12. A stand-up comedian will never be the life of a party. Instead, he will be the guy who is standing at a corner and observing people. #Quote by Vir Das

#13. George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, most gifted stand-up comedian who will ever live. #Quote by Denis Leary

#14. And what is the reaction of the British politcal class? Well the Lib Dems, still think that the Euro is a success! I don't quiet think where Cleggy gets this from, I don't know. Prehaps he is cosidering an alternative career, as a stand up comedian, once he's out of politics. #Quote by Nigel Farage

#15. I was a stand-up comedian for 10 years, if you can believe it. And I gave it up at age 22. #Quote by Samm Levine

#16. I am trying to work out what my taste is, comedy-wise. I look up to stand up comedians who appear to be telling the truth, but I don't mind if they are lying. #Quote by Jessie Cave

#17. I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled. #Quote by Wendy Liebman

#18. Frank Fay [...] became renowned as the first of the great comic emcees - and in many minds the first stand-up comedian. #Quote by Kliph Nesteroff

#19. I wouldn't mind gigging around the same era as Jesus, after he gives his speech about the meek and how blessed they are and all that type of bullshit, going up there and doing a flat 20 [minutes]. I reckon I'd have better stagecraft and presence than Jesus. Yea, I'm a better stand-up comedian than Jesus, so I reckon I could go on after him. #Quote by Jim Jefferies

#20. Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it. #Quote by Demetri Martin

#21. Comedians are the most ruthless critics in the world. #Quote by Amit Kalantri

#22. I spent 25 years as a stand-up comedian. #Quote by Steven Michael Quezada

#23. The really good stand up comedians can be angry but relatable, and they have interestingly humanizing personalities. Their observational skills are far greater than mine, so I'll just stick to reading lines off a page. #Quote by Kunal Nayyar

#24. I always wanted to be a stand-up comedian, even as a kid. Me and my dad would watch 'Evening at the Improv' on A&E. #Quote by Adam DeVine

#25. I also could see myself as a stand-up comedian, a fashion designer (for people of all sizes), a hairdresser, an earnest and eventually burnt-out politician, or the owner of a small bistro. But I fear that, without poetry, I would have simply been going through the motions. #Quote by Denise Duhamel

#26. The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not. #Quote by Jon Stewart

#27. I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian. #Quote by Chris Tucker

#28. In the stand-up comedy top, there's room for everyone - if you're good, there's room for everyone. You'll put on your own show - no one casts you. You cast your own show as a stand-up comedian. When you get good at stand-up comedy you book a theater and if people show up, people show up. If people don't show up, people don't show up. You don't have a director or a casting agent or anybody saying if you're good enough - the audience will decide. #Quote by Jim Jefferies

#29. I was influenced by a lot of stand-up comedians ... Eddie Murphy back when he was doing 'Raw.' I watched that so many times as a kid, I can probably still quote the entire thing to this day. Chris Rock. Dave Chappelle. George Carlin. A lot of the guys who were sort of edgy for their time. #Quote by Ray William Johnson

#30. I'm very much a stand-up comedian in my heart. That's really what I do. Now I'm trying to incorporate all of the different elements of my work as a performer, and use it as a stand-up comedian. #Quote by Margaret Cho

#31. Luckily, I'm not a stand-up comedian, so I don't get the fear of standing on stage in front of a dead audience: my humorous pieces have to make it past an editor before they get exposed to the public. #Quote by Charles Stross

#32. I wanted to do the comic strip. I tried to get it syndicated, and I sent some examples to a syndication company, and they sent me a rejection letter! I wasn't smart enough at the time to realize you shouldn't let rejection letters stop you. I thought that rejection letter meant I was not allowed to be a cartoonist in this world, so I put the rejection letter down and said, well, I'll be a stand-up comedian. #Quote by Brian Regan

#33. America hadn't really been suited for its long and tiresome role as the Last Superpower, the World's Policeman. As a patriotic American, Oscar was quite content to watch other people's military coming home in boxes for a while. The American national character wasn't suited for global police duties. It never had been. Tidy and meticulous people such as the Swiss and the Swedes were the types who made good cops. America was far better suited to be the World's Movie Star. The world's tequila-addled pro-league bowler. The world's acerbic, bipolar stand-up comedian. Anything but a somber and tedious nation of socially responsible centurions. #Quote by Bruce Sterling

#34. I love stand-up comedians. I really do. #Quote by Jim Gaffigan

#35. The skill of a good actor is to make it always seem like you're in that fantastically spontaneous moment. Very often, a stand-up comedian has a different instinct, which is to reinvent. Once you've laid down some material, and made them laugh, you move on and find some new material. #Quote by Colin Firth

#36. I'm best known as a stand-up comedian, but I'm a good actor in the right role. #Quote by Marcus Brigstocke

#37. When it comes to English stand-up comedy, Indians have only seen the best - Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Cosby and the like. So, when someone claims to be an English stand-up comedian in India, he'd better be very good if he's going to make a life of it. #Quote by Vir Das

#38. Personally, I want to die in dignity but my passing celebrated jollity. I've told my executors that I want a stand up comedian in the pulpit telling amusing anecdotes, and the coffin to slide into the incinerator to the sound of Marlene Dietrich. If the booze up can begin right away, so much the better, and with a bit of luck the crematorium will never be gloomy again. Anyone mourning should be denounced as the representative of a credit card company and thrown out on their ear. Snowballs if in season (tomatoes if not) can be thrown at anyone uttering even worthy cliches like "the struggle goes on" and should anyone be prepared to dodge pieces of concrete confrontation.
If I have miscalculated, as a worthy clerical friend assures me I have, and there really is a God, I'd like to feel if he's got any sense of humor or feeling for humanity there's nobody he would sooner have in heaven than people like me, and if he hasn't, who wants in? #Quote by Albert Meltzer

#39. I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry. #Quote by Wendy Liebman

#40. I don't consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there's a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I'll do it. #Quote by J. B. Smoove

#41. Jesus was a brilliant Jewish stand-up comedian, a phenomenal improviser. His parables are great one-liners. #Quote by Camille Paglia

#42. When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That's not fair. That's like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I'm a really good cook, they'd say, "OK, you're a cook. Can you farm?" #Quote by Mitch Hedberg

#43. I've been in radio, God, twenty years. I started as a stand-up comedian. I wanted to be Carol Burnett when I was growing up. Radio was just kind of an accident. I did morning radio in my hometown of Buffalo, then went to Rochester, then Chicago, and then New York. #Quote by Stephanie Miller

#44. He hit the circuit in 1917 as 'Frank Fay, Nut Monologist,' and resistance was immediate. Variety critically stated, 'Fay needs a good straight man, as before, to feed his eccentric comedy.' A comedian standing alone onstage? Unheard of. Doesn't this guy know anything about showbiz? To stand still and tell jokes was a foreign move. To perform without some kind of gimmick was considered amateurish. #Quote by Kliph Nesteroff

#45. Whenever you are being insulted by ungodliness and injustice, endeavor to speak against it, endeavor to stand up against it, and expect to see change. #Quote by Sunday Adelaja

#46. I love stand-up, but the process of writing is a little more lonely. I want to keep doing both, though. #Quote by Jack Whitehall

#47. We all stick up for ourselves and I think that's why we stand out, because we really don't care what other people think. #Quote by Nicole Polizzi

#48. I think what makes the Byrds stand up all these years is the basis in folk music. Folk music, being a timeless art form, is the foundation of the Byrds. We were all from a folk background. We considered ourselves folk singers even when we strapped on electric instruments and dabbled in different things. #Quote by Roger McGuinn

#49. the physical world gone down in flames
mountains, rivers and lakes
and pulling with it all those human rhythms that bind us together and draw the world into a community, those daily
rites, rhythms and rituals
upholding the world like solar bones, that rarefied amalgam of time and light whose extension through every minute of the day is visible from the moment I get up in the morning and stand at the kitchen window with a mug of tea in my hand, #Quote by Mike McCormack

#50. Sometimes we have to fall to know how to stand back up. Sometimes we have to hurt people to recognize our flaws and to see that we need to better ourselves. #Quote by E.K. Blair

#51. Judge: Take the stand.
Curly: [picks the chair up] Where'll I put it?
Judge: No, no, take the stand!
Curly: I got it! Now what'll I do with it?
Court clerk: [angrily sets it back down] SIDDOWN! #Quote by The Three Stooges

#52. Stand up.
Face the new day.
Reach a little farther.
Do what you fear you cannot do.
Be bold. #Quote by Richelle E. Goodrich

#53. Eating a RAW food lifestyle is the purest and best way to live. Many of the strongest and longest living animals are raw, such as the panda bear and gorillas. Self love has brought me to a RAW lifestyle. Feeding my body with pure natural energy. Most people's perception is what has been ingrained inside them by manipulation, but slowly there is a shift in consciousness, one person at a time. People will ask more questions, begin to stand up for themselves, go their "own way", take better care of themselves, which will benefit everyone and everything around them. #Quote by Eric Nies

#54. You have to understand how bad I wanted to be a comedian, how much I loved doing it. I still can't believe I get to do this for a living and have people come up and want to see me. #Quote by Bill Burr

#55. There exists a mountain of circumstantial evidence that consciousness survives bodily death. This is the kind of evidence that would stand up in a court of law. Some people believe that science needs better tools to quantify what consciousness is. Perhaps when we discover what consciousness is we will be on the road to providing absolute scientific evidence that there is life after death. #Quote by Jean Ritchie

#56. Stand-up is the foundation to my career. It's what I started out doing. #Quote by Tracy Morgan

#57. Is it possible that even happy moments of pleasure never stand up to a rigorous examination? Possible. #Quote by Elena Ferrante

#58. I was very lucky when I started doing comedy because I hadn't seen much stand-up. I just got up on stage and did it without thinking. #Quote by Natasha Leggero

#59. I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up. #Quote by Louis C.K.

#60. It was a smart cane. When he grabbed the handlebars it would help him stand up. It would then steady his locomotion even on the roughest terrain, adding its six legs to his two. #Quote by Neal Stephenson

#61. In many ways, history is marked as 'before' and 'after' Rosa Parks. She sat down in order that we all might stand up, and the walls of segregation came down. #Quote by Jesse Jackson

#62. He's rambling. Oh gosh, he looks so cute when he's all caught up and nervous and rambling. I've never ever seen him lose his calm like this and boy, is it adorable. Without thinking I place my hand over his mouth. "Shut up, Cole." When I'm sure he's not going to start talking again, I stand on my tiptoes and press my lips to his cheek. Applying the slightest pressure, I let them linger there for about five seconds before moving away. The dazed and starstruck look on Cole's face is worth braving my fears. "Thank you, I'm sure I'll love it," I whisper before backing off and walking away. #Quote by Blair Holden

#63. If I can sit down for freedom, you can stand up for children. #Quote by Rosa Parks

#64. I think that people want to go to the movies and watch shows on TV or in theaters that make them feel good and music really does that. Not only can you watch something and connect to dialogue, but when you listen to a song, it gives a whole other element of connection and you get that feeling like you want to stand up and dance and sing. #Quote by Brittany Snow

#65. I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them. #Quote by Jerry Seinfeld

#66. Unhappiness slowly creeps up on you, like a shape-shifting monster waiting in the darkness of your hallway, his bulging eyes watching your every move. The breath on his slimy tongue makes the hairs on your neck stand up. #Quote by Kate Rockland

#67. Why not stand up, pump your fists in the air, and scream like a maniac? - #Quote by Hayley Williams

#68. The opportunity of a lifetime is to pick yourself. Quit waiting to get picked; quit waiting for someone to give you permission; quit waiting for someone to say you are officially qualified and pick yourself. It doesn't mean you have to be an entrepreneur or a freelancer, but it does mean you stand up and say, "I have something to say. I know how to do something. I'm doing it. If you want me to do it with you, raise your hand. #Quote by Jennifer Sneeden

#69. I did stand-up for my grandparents every day when I was, like, eight. #Quote by Ariana Grande

#70. Fear drove many on deck that were used to avoiding the night winds and the spray. Some thought the vessel could not live through the night, and it seemed less dreadful to stand out in the midst of the wild tempest and see the peril that threatened than to be shut up in the sepulchral cabins, under the dim lamps, and imagine the horrors that were abroad on the ocean. And once out - once where they could see the ship struggling in the strong grasp of the storm - once where they could hear the shriek of the winds and face the driving spray and look out upon the majestic picture the lightnings disclosed, they were prisoners to a fierce fascination they could not resist, and so remained. It was a wild night - and a very, very long one. #Quote by Mark Twain

#71. He paused leaning over to lay his lips on hers, "It's time to feel again. Let me save you from yourself. You were drowning when I found you, but I'm not letting you go, not without a fight." He kissed her sweetly and moved back standing up and over her. Lena looked up at his out stretched hand.
"Take my hand Lena." He offered and she knew he meant it in a way that went far beyond offering to help her stand. #Quote by Ella Frank

#72. Flyfishing, which has a vaguely mystical aura, is a lot like work. I'm a frenetic flyfisherman. I wade up and down streams, looking for good spots, usually falling and breaking some piece of equipment. Or I stand still and work myself into a frenzy about what fly I should use. I love fishing, but it has never given me a moments peace. #Quote by James P. Gorman

#73. Not setting the 'proper and accepted' religious example for them conjured up images of the bad mother, the worst mother. Yet wouldn't the example of a mother being true to her journey, taking a stand against patriarchy, and questing for spiritual meaning and wholeness, even when it meant exiting circles of orthodoxy, be a worthwhile example? #Quote by Sue Monk Kidd

#74. You've got to stand up and do your own battles. My daddy taught me that a long time ago, that you fight your own battles. The only way to shut everybody up is to win. #Quote by Terry Bradshaw

#75. I was marching. I kept saying it as I scanned the crowd for Jill, pumping myself up, because some people had told me racism was a thing of the past, they's told me not to get involved. But that was nuts. They were nuts. And more to the point - they'd all been white people. Well, guess what? I'm white too - and that's exactly why I was marching. I had to. Because racism was alive and real as shit. It was everywhere and all mixed up in everything, and the only people who said it wasn't, and the only people who said "Don't talk about it" were white. Well, stop lying. That's what I wanted to tell those people. Stop lying. Stop denying. That's why I was marching. Nothing was going to change unless we did something about it. We! White people! We had to stand up and say something about it too, because otherwise it was just like what one of those posters in the crowd outside school said:
OUR SILENCE IS ANOTHER KIND OF VIOLENCE #Quote by Jason Reynolds