Some Extremely Funny Quotes

#1. I had been for some hours extremely pressed by the necessities of nature; which was no wonder, it being almost two days since I had last disburdened myself. I was under great difficulties between urgency and shame. The best expedient I could think of, was to creep into my house, which I accordingly did; and shutting the gate after me, I went as far as the length of my chain would suffer, and discharged my body of that uneasy load. #Quote by Jonathan Swift

#2. Some mathematics problems look simple, and you try them for a year or so, and then you try them for a hundred years, and it turns out that they're extremely hard to solve. There's no reason why these problems shouldn't be easy, and yet they turn out to be extremely intricate. [Fermat's] Last Theorem is the most beautiful example of this. #Quote by Andrew John Wiles

#3. Candidates should be extremely cautious in displaying a sense of humor. If he or she tells a joke with a point, there is almost certain to be some minority group offended. #Quote by Jack Germond

#4. Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized. #Quote by Craig Ferguson

#5. This Sarah Perez had the most beautiful eyes in the world, those green eyes spangled with gold that you love so much: the eyes of Antinous. In Rome, such eyes would have made her a concubine of Adrian; in Madrid they helped her become the princess of Eboli ensconced in the bed of the king. But Philip II was extremely jealous of those wonderful emerald eyes and their delicate transparency, and the princess - who was bored with the funereal palace and the even more funereal society of the king - had the fancy and the misfortune to cast her admirable gaze upon the Marquis de Posa while she was leaving church one day. It was on the threshold of the chapel, and the princess believed herself to be alone with her camarera mayor, but the vigilance of the clergy was equal to the challenge. She was betrayed, and that very evening, in the intimacy of their bedroom, in the course of some violent argument or tempestuous tussle, Philip threw his mistress to the floor. Blind with rage he leapt upon her, tore out her eye and devoured it in a single gulp.

'Thus was the princess covered in blood - a good title for a conte cruel, that, which Villiers de l'Isle Adam has somehow omitted to write! The princess was henceforth one-eyed: the royal pet had a gaping hole in her face. Philip II, who had the Jewess in his blood, could not cleave so closely to a princess who had only one eye. He made amends to her with some new titles and estates in the provinces and - regretful of the beautifu #Quote by Jean Lorrain

#6. The cultural significance of blue, on the other hand, is very limited. As noted earlier, blue is extremely rare as a color of materials in nature, and blue dyes are exceedingly difficult to produce. People in simple cultures might spend a lifetime without seeing objects that are truly blue. Of course, blue is the color of the sky (and, for some of us, the sea). But in the absence of blue materials with any practical significance, the need to find a special name for this great stretch of nothingness is particularly non-pressing. #Quote by Guy Deutscher

#7. Oh!" said the voice. "Well. How lovely to meet you. What did you say your name was? I'm Roger Malory."
He was doing something extremely complicated with his r's that made him difficult to understand.
"Blue. My name's Blue Sargent."
"Blair?"
"Blue."
"Blaize?"
Blue sighed. "Jane."
"Oh, Jane! I thought that you were saying Blue for some reason. It's nice to meet you, Jane. #Quote by Maggie Stiefvater

#8. The air is an extremely dangerous, jealous and exacting mistress. Once under the spell most lovers are faithful to the end, which is not always old age. Even those masters and princes of aerial fighting, the survivors of fifty mortal duels in the high air who have come scatheless through the War and all its perils, have returned again and again to their love and perished too often in some ordinary commonplace flight undertaken for pure amusement. #Quote by Winston Churchill

#9. Some people tried to hurt us to protect themselves, their family and communities ... This was one of the consequences of civil war. People stopped trusting each other, and every stranger became an enemy. Even people who knew you became extremely careful about how they related or spoke to you. #Quote by Ishmael Beah

#10. In fact, even if distraction does alleviate your pain or help to cope with it some of the time, bringing mindfulness to it can lead to new levels of insight and understanding about yourself and your body, which distraction and escape can never do. Understanding and insight, of course, are an extremely important part of the process of coming to terms with your condition and really learning how to live with it, not just endure it. One of the ways we speak about it is that the sensory, the emotional, and the cognitive/conceptual dimensions of the pain experience can be uncoupled from one another, meaning that they can be held in awareness as independent aspects of experience. Once you see that your thoughts about the sensations, for instance, are not the sensations themselves, both the experience of the sensory and the cognitive dimensions of the pain experience may change independently. This is also true for our emotional reactions to unpleasant sensory experience. This phenomenon of uncoupling can give us new degrees of freedom in resting in awareness and holding whatever arises in any or all of these three domains in an entirely different way, and dramatically reduce the suffering experience. #Quote by Jon Kabat-Zinn

#11. The Universe is very, very big.
It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.
Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.
Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies.
Rule number two: Everything lasts forever. #Quote by Craig Ferguson

#12. As I've gotten older, my mannerisms are more and more like my mom's. Also, she was an educator - she's extremely passionate about education and children. I guess I inherited that in some way. #Quote by Jenna Bush

#13. Upon the whole, I commend my own conduct in this affair extremely, and regard it as a very happy instance of circumspection and tenderness. Some mothers would have insisted on their daughter's accepting so good an offer on the first overture; but I could not reconcile it to myself to force Frederica into a marriage from which her heart revolted, and instead of adopting so harsh a measure merely propose to make it her own choice, by rendering her thoroughly uncomfortable till she does accept him--but enough of this tiresome girl. #Quote by Jane Austen

#14. In 1650 Bishop Ussher dated the creation from the genealogy given in the Bible at 4004 B.C.; for a long time (even for some people today) this was accepted as "gospel truth." However, if you accept a miracle such as this, what's wrong with creation 5 minutes ago? It would be scarcely more difficult for the Creator to create all of us sitting here, with our memories of events that never really happened, with our worn shoes that were never really new, with spots of soup that were never really spilled on our ties, and so on. Such a beginning is logically possible, but extremely hard to believe! #Quote by Leigh Page

#15. The big lesson of Reagan is: To think that he was some sort of simple figurehead and didn't do the thinking and simply read a script in front of him woefully underestimates him. Ronald Reagan was an extremely intelligent person with a real V8 engine under his hood. #Quote by Eugene Jarecki

#16. I'd always told people that I would have liked to pursue some sort of professional fight career. I don't know if I'm quite right for it, since I'm extremely prone to injury. I've been boxing for a couple years, and I've messed around with some Jiu-Jitsu, and I've always felt that there's such a passion in a real fighter's heart. #Quote by Matt Cohen

#17. There does need to be a speed-up of the process.It takes entirely too long to addres5 some of those concerns and, in the process, it becomes so extremely expensive and cumbersome that it tends to turn away those people and companies that want to provide much needed housing. #Quote by George Deukmejian

#18. If some want to misuse the generosity of our nation, and re-examine what was previously examined, they should know the fire of the anger of the Iranian nation will be extremely burning and devastating. #Quote by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

#19. Arlen Specter left the GOP because it is a lot easier to win in Pennsylvania as a Democrat than as a Republican. It is that simple. For folks on the Right to brush this off as some sort of 'good purge' is extremely naive. #Quote by Chuck Todd

#20. What would be my, how should I call it, spontaneous attitude towards the universe? It's a very dark one. The first thesis would have been a kind of total vanity: there is nothing, basically. I mean it quite literally, like… ultimately there are just some fragments, some vanishing things. If you look at the universe, it's one big void. But then how do things emerge? Here, I feel a kind of spontaneous affinity with quantum physics, where, you know, the idea there is that universe is a void, but a kind of a positively charged void. And then particular things appear when the balance of the void is disturbed. And I like this idea of spontaneous very much that the fact that it's just not nothing…　Things are out there.　It means something went terribly wrong…　that what we call creation is a kind of a cosmic imbalance, cosmic catastrophe,　that things exist by mistake. And I'm even ready to go to the end and to claim that the only way to counteract it is to assume the mistake and go to the end. And we have a name for this. It's called love. Isn't love precisely this kind of a cosmic imbalance? I was always disgusted with this notion of "I love the world" universal love. I don't like the world. I don't know how… Basically, I'm somewhere in between "I hate the world" or "I'm indifferent towards it." But the whole of reality, it's just it. It's stupid. It is out there. I don't care about it. Love, for me, is an extremely violent act. Love is not "I love you all." Love means I pick out som #Quote by Slavoj Zizek

#21. The fact that extremely diversified phenomena are explained in terms of laws having the same form or pattern gives us information... about the structure of the various levels of reality with which the mind deals; for presumably the pattern of a hypothesis must have some correspondence, if it works, with the pattern of the phenomena which it explains. #Quote by Aldous Huxley

#22. While, as we did before, with a broken circle. I think It will kill us, one by one by one, and probably in some extremely horrible ways. As children we made a complete circle in some way I don't understand even now. I think that, if we agree to #Quote by Stephen King

#23. I think the U.K. is an amazing place and has been extremely good to me. Some of my favorite and most-listened-to bands are from England. I have met many good people there and have been in front of some of the most loyal audiences I have ever encountered. #Quote by Henry Rollins

#24. For some reason, the women in my life have always been extremely powerful. I've learned a great deal from that. I've learned that we're all women when we're complete and we're all men. #Quote by Frederick Lenz

#25. Random Guy: You can't snowboard? Want me to teach you?

Haruna: Huh?

Random Guy: You here with your friends? I am too, but do you want to board together?

Haruna: What? Could you be...hitting on me?

Random Guy: Haha. That's...an extremely direct way to put it, but yes, I'm hitting on you.

Haruna: Wait, I know. Is it that you have some kind of secret grudge against Komiyama Yoh?

Random Guy: Who?

Haruna: Or you're going to sell me, or take my money, or something?

Random Guy: Uh...No...

Haruna: You mean you're purely trying to pick me up?

Random Guy: Yes, purely...

Haruna: Yoh! I got hit on!

Random Guy: Oh, so your boyfriends here. Please excuse me.

Haruna: He was trying to pick me up! Isn't that incredible!

Yoh: It's not incredible!! Don't get picked up!!

Haruna: This is the first time that I've been hit on in my entire life!

Yoh: Don't get hit on up here! What are you so happy about?

Haruna: I'm not happy. It's more like... surprised?

Yoh: You should've hurried up and said no right away!

Haruna: Well, it was my first time getting hit on, so I'd never had to say no before, so I didn't know what to do and...

Yoh: In that situation, just hit the guy!

Hatuna: Whaaaat? With my fist?

Yoh: With your fist! Or just slap him!

Haruna: Unders #Quote by Kazune Kawahara

#26. I don't know who the great lawyers are, and I presume you can't get to them. I know of no case where it can be said for certain that they took part. They defend some people, but you can't get them to do that through your own efforts, they only defend the ones they want to defend. But I assume a case they take on must have progressed beyond the lower court. It's better not to think of them at all, otherwise you'll find the consultations with the other lawyers, their advice and their assistance, extremely disgusting and useless. #Quote by Franz Kafka

#27. I think it is extremely interesting to think that, in some cases, vice might be, finally, more redemptive than virtue. #Quote by Katy Lederer

#28. Oh, it's not her Christian name. Her Christian name is Clara.' 'Is it though?' said Mr. Barkis. He seemed to find an immense fund of reflection in this circumstance, and sat pondering and inwardly whistling for some time. 'Well!' he resumed at length. 'Says you, "Peggotty! Barkis is waitin' for a answer." Says she, perhaps, "Answer to what?" Says you, "To what I told you." "What is that?" says she. "Barkis is willin'," says you.' This extremely artful suggestion Mr. Barkis accompanied with a nudge of his elbow that gave me quite a stitch in my #Quote by Charles Dickens

#29. Sometimes I drink coffee at 03:57am, only I call it beer, and it's really purple wine, disguised as clear distilled water, taken from my invisible car's radiator. She used to like radiator water too, so this also serves as a self-reminder to never share a glass with someone who has had hepatitis. Glasses are the main source of broken relationships. I mean glass hearts, as they only bend and change their shape under extremely high temperatures, which, unfortunately, are technically impossible to achieve in some places, like Soviet Russia, where nothing ever happens, because it doesn't really exist anymore. #Quote by Will Advise

#30. That's extremely important to understand. He had given up.
Because he'd given up, the surface of life was comfortable for him. He worked reasonably hard, was easy to get along with and, except for an occasional glimpse of inner emptiness shown in some short stories he wrote at the time, his days passed quite usually. #Quote by Robert M. Pirsig

#31. Nevertheless, it is necessary to remember that a planned economy is not yet socialism. A planned economy as such may be accompanied by the complete enslavement of the individual. The achievement of socialism requires the solution of some extremely difficult socio-political problems: how is it possible, in view of the far-reaching centralisation of political and economic power, to prevent bureaucracy from becoming all-powerful and overweening? How can the rights of the individual be protected and therewith a democratic counterweight to the power of bureaucracy be assured? #Quote by Albert Einstein

#32. How could a man become a god?" Nell asked. "By living in an extremely pragmatic society," said Constable Moore after some thought #Quote by Neal Stephenson

#33. For you do by nature want to do what you take to be good for you; reason reveals that what is in fact good for you is acting in a way that is conducive to the fulfillment of the ends or purposes inherent in human nature; and so if you are rational, and thus open to seeing what is in fact good for you, you will take the fulfillment of those ends or purposes to be good for you and act accordingly. This may require a fight against one's desires and such a fight might in some cases be so extremely difficult and unpleasant that one might not have the stomach for it. But that is a problem of will, not of reason. It doesn't show that the rational thing is not to struggle against one's desires, but only that doing the rational thing can sometimes be extremely difficult and unpleasant. #Quote by Edward Feser

#34. During the Age of Glass, everyone believed some part of him or her to be extremely fragile. For some it was a hand, for others a femur, yet others believed it was their noses that were made of glass. The Age of Glass followed the Stone Age as an evolutionary corrective, introducing into human relations a new sense of fragility that fostered compassion. This period lasted a relatively short time in the history of love-about a century-until a doctor named Ignacio da Silva hit on the treatment of inviting people to recline on a couch and giving them a bracing smack on the body part in question, proving to them the truth. The anatomical illusion that had seemed so real slowly disappeared and-like so much we no longer need but can't give up-became vestigial. But from time to time, for reasons that can't always be understood, it surfaces again, suggesting that the Age of Glass, like the Age of Silence, never entirely ended. #Quote by Nicole Krauss

#35. In My Life, I've Been Through Some Pretty Low Valleys & Some Beautiful Mountain Tops. Yet ... Through all my happy & sad days,If I learned One Thing In My Life It's That What An A Extremely Awesome God I Serve! #Quote by Timothy Pina