Knitting Humor Quotes

#1. One cannot, I find, talk to a knitter. Conversation may seem to be going in that greased, easy way essential to all good conversation; starting hares too lavishly to follow them up; allowing pauses for rumination; bursts for sudden eagerness; digressions, returns, new departures, discoveries of rooted creeds or new ideas - sooner or later the challenge is bound to come: "Don't you agree?" or "What do you think?" "Yes?" says the knitter, startled but polite, "seventy-five, seventy-six - just a moment till I get to the end of my row - seventy-seven, seventy-eight - yes," she says, looking up brightly, "it's all right now. What were you saying?" But of course one has forgotten or no longer cares. #Quote by Vita Sackville-West

#2. You don't knit because you are patient. You are patient because you knit. #Quote by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee

#3. You've heard about the knitter's handshake? Two hands go in for the grab-and-shake, but at the last minute, they veer to the closest sleeve or band and grab it instead while we ask, "Did you knit this? #Quote by Clara Parkes

#4. Knitting is still trying to teach me
That no matter how well you knit, looking at your work too closely isn't helpful. It's like kissing with your eyes open: nobody looks good that close up. #Quote by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee

#5. Since I became a knitting humor writer, I seem to be understood a little better - at least for the purposes of social discourse. #Quote by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee

#6. I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. #Quote by Mitch Hedberg

#7. Maybe I don't have the same sense of humor. Maybe people aren't comfortable gauging a painting that way. They think that if it's a painting then it must be serious. I think Picasso can be hilarious, to name one example. #Quote by Joe Bradley

#8. How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker? #Quote by Chelsea Handler

#9. Will put his hand on Nico's shoulder. "Nico, we need o have another talk about your people skills."
"Hey, I'm just stating the obvious. If this is Apollo, and he dies, we're all in trouble."
Will turned to me. "I apologize for my boyfriend."
Nico rolled his eyes. "Could you not―"
"Would you prefer special guy?" Will asked. "Or significant other?"
"Significant annoyance, in your case," Nico grumbled #Quote by Rick Riordan

#10. It's fun telling you tall Texas tales. You always look like a little girl who's hearing Cinderella for the first time. #Quote by Edna Ferber

#11. The beginning of forgiveness is often exhaustion. You're pooped; thank God. #Quote by Anne Lamott

#12. I believe people ought to mate for life ... like pigeons or Catholics. #Quote by Woody Allen

#13. Many demons are in woods, in waters, in wildernesses, and in dark poolly places ready to hurt ... people. #Quote by Martin Luther

#14. In order to avoid this bitter end, we would all have to be born again, and born with the knowledge of alternatives. Even then? #Quote by Maya Angelou

#15. I'm the bathroom master
I'm a real bowl blaster
Don't mess with me
'Cause I can mess it up faster
With just one flush
I can make a toilet gush
When my sister cleans it up
I just turn her to mush! #Quote by R.U. Slime

#16. Purple light passed over the paper, but nothing happened.
"Next!" Amy said. She was sure the man in black was going to burst in on them any second.
"Whoa!" Dan said.
Amy gripped his arm. "You found it?"
"No, but look! This whole essay - 'To the Royal Academy.' He wrote a whole essay on farts!" Dan grinned with delight. "He's proposing a scientific study on different fart smells. You're right, Amy. This guy was a genius! #Quote by Rick Riordan

#17. I have the Angela Jolie of vaginas. #Quote by Amy Poehler

#18. One of my book-reading friends used the term "our story unfolds" when describing a paper he was writing. He became somewhat less of a friend right at that moment. #Quote by Tommy Greenwald

#19. My father used to beat me with his belt ... while it was still on him. #Quote by Zach Galifianakis

#20. My parents and I always put great emphasis on telling stories that appeal to a child's sense of humor. #Quote by Mike Berenstain

#21. To knot a sentence up properly, it has to be thought out carefully, and revised. New phrases have to be put in; sudden changes of subject must be introducted; verbs must be shifted to unsuspected localities; short words must be excised with ruthless hand; archaisms must be sprinkled like sugar-plums upon the concoction; the fatal human tendency to say things straightforwardly must be detected and defeated by adroit reversals; and, if a glimmer of meaning yet remain under close scrutiny, it must be removed by replacing all the principal verbs by paraphrases in some dead language. #Quote by Aleister Crowley

#22. Beth: "What are you, the Energizer Bunny? #Quote by Lucy Monroe

#23. And I am always flattered," Rusty continued, "but I love my sister. Not in an 'I love my sister and I want to make out with her' way, that would be terrible and disturbing, but in an 'I love my sister, and I'm not going anywhere near the girl she likes' way. Be a big mess. Life is hard for me, with all my irresistible sexual magnetism. It's a real problem, almost as bad as the fact that my steps are now the number one crying spot in Sorry-in-the-Vale. I have to maintain control of the situation at all times or my life would devolve into a nonstop romantical frenzy". #Quote by Sarah Rees Brennan

#24. What about mold," Tom reminded her. "Fuzziness on a girl is never attractive. #Quote by Lia Habel

#25. I think in life, the sense of humor and comedy always exists. #Quote by Mike Epps

#26. P.S. I also note that you included the Stalker's Anthem "Every Breath You Take" I do enjoy our sense of humor, but does Dr. Flynn know? #Quote by E.L. James

#27. When I asked my boss if he would refer me to someone in London where I was going next, he replied, "If you are really good, then we would not want you to leave. If you are bad, then we would not refer you. If you are just so so, why should we bother?" So he did not do anything. Luckily his boss, a Swiss manager, felt compelled to notify his London colleagues that I was going to be in town. And thus I got hired. #Quote by Philip Tan

#28. You're like an oceanic Lassie." My grin twitched on my face, threatening to tumble over into laughter again. #Quote by Katherine McIntyre

#29. My mind didn't clear. It had been clear before. Instead it muddled, suddenly ablaze with rioting factions of insecurities and dreams, a cacophonous battleground of conflicting moral codes and dogma. I was, therefore, back to normal. #Quote by David Wong

#30. There really is no sense in pretending to be normal. Just be you because the moment you do, weirder things happen. Crazy comes back into fashion and every woman has to go out and find her some. #Quote by Shannon L. Alder

#31. Why don't they shoot that nigga Voldemort? #Quote by Angie Thomas

#32. In tense moments, explains the clinical psychologist Rod Martin, the purpose of pranks like Venanzi's isn't merely to elicit a chuckle; joking actually reformats your perception of a stressor. "Humor is about playing with ideas and concepts," said Martin, who teaches at the University of Western Ontario. "So whenever we see something as funny, we're looking at it from a different perspective. When people are trapped in a stressful situation and feeling overwhelmed, they're stuck in one way
of thinking: This is terrible. I've got to get out of here. But if you can take a humorous perspective, then by definition you're looking at it differently - you're breaking out of that rigid mind-set. #Quote by Taylor Clark

#33. It's a special and wonderful thing to have a bond with an animal...any animal...and one that not just anyone can experience or even recognize for what it is. Having been raised with animals all of my life, I can appreciate how much animals become a part of your family, and how blessed you know you are to have them in your life, how much they teach you and how much they give you...unconditional love, trust, loyalty...and a great deal of humor along the way. And if the day does come when you have to say goodbye, you shed a great many tears, but you always have a window in your mind, a memory engraved on your heart that will never leave you as long as you live...you know your life has been forever changed for the better, and you are grateful to that animal...or animals...for the precious gift that they gave you. And, it gives you a sense of comfort to remember, that that animal's life was also touched by the companionship, love and security that you gave to them all of their lives. Animals are far smarter than we give them credit for. Believe me...they love and cherish you as much as you do them. #Quote by Inis L. Fal

#34. To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it #Quote by Josh Stern

#35. 'There's a seagull eating our food,' he told me, and it was the most romantic thing I'd ever heard. #Quote by T.J. Klune

#36. I watch the tip of my tie sway to and fro and wonder how humans got to a place where we said, "Whoa. Hold on. Before I can take you seriously, you need to hang a brightly colored strip of narrow pointy cloth around your neck. #Quote by Jeff Zentner

#37. Okay. Fine." Angelina was silent. For about fifteen seconds. "But you do know that a vibrator can't really be your boyfriend."
Miki dropped her head into her hands. "I will not discuss Mr. Happy with the likes of you."
Angelina sighed. "I find the fact that you named your vibrator disturbing on so many levels."
"Best relationship I've ever had. #Quote by Shelly Laurenston

#38. They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around. #Quote by Bill Watterson

#39. Are you?"
"What?"
"Venomous?"
Another savage smile. He touched the tip of one fang with his tongue and when he drew it away, she saw a pearl of golden liquid. "Try me and see."
"Maybe later, after I've survived Michaela. #Quote by Nalini Singh

#40. If you didn't grow up like I did then you don't know, and if you don't know it's probably better you don't judge. #Quote by Junot Diaz

#41. He was so drunk that he would have stubbornly denied that he was. #Quote by Filippo Bologna

#42. Someone once defined humor as a way to keep from killing yourself. I keep my sense of humor and I stay alive. #Quote by Abe Burrows

#43. Sweat, scalded meat, puke, blood, smoke and a dozen kinds of bad ale and wine: the bouquet of civilized nightlife #Quote by Scott Lynch

#44. You see a wile, you thwart. Am I right? #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#45. Prices of semicolons, plot devices, prologues and inciting incidents continued to fall yesterday, lopping twenty points off the TomJones Index. #Quote by Jasper Fforde

#46. If the world is your oyster, why are some people so full of grit? #Quote by Stacy S. Avary

#47. Hey, precious." A pretty brunette slid to Tristan's side out of the blue.
Precious? Who does she think she is? Gollum? #Quote by Tatiana Vila

#48. If you send someone a snarky Tweet, does that make you an Angry Bird? #Quote by Avram Ohm

#49. I commend my soul to any god that can find it. #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#50. I have discovered that the world over, unusual weather prevails at all times of the year. #Quote by Edgar Rice Burroughs

#51. My life of crime began at seven twenty-eight this morning."
~ Charmaine Digby #Quote by Wendy Delaney

#52. Your precocity delighted everyone who met you even when you were behaving like a limb of Satan. #Quote by Mary Jo Putney

#53. Look, cat, you and I are never going to be friends. She's going to
call you Max, but I'm going to call you Shit Head. And if you think for
one second - " The cat lies down in a tight little ball of nastiness and
falls asleep. "Oh, please. Make yourself at home by sleeping on my
scrotum." I peek out into the sitting room area that connects to the
four bedrooms, and then glance back at the kitten. Releasing a sigh of
discontent, I pet Shit Head with one finger. He purrs extra hard, and
I find myself wondering if I could train him to do things. Every hero
needs a sidekick, and I'm nothing if not a Grade-A Hero.
- Dante Walker #Quote by Victoria Scott