Jokes Quotes

Top 100 famous quotes & sayings about Jokes.

Famous Quotes About Jokes

Here are best 100 famous quotes about Jokes that you can use to show your feeling, share with your friends and post on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and blogs. Enjoy your day & share your thoughts with perfect pictures of Jokes quotes.

Jokes quotes by Deyth Banger
#1. Not everyone gets jokes. But to many jokes in one time are never good idea! #Quote by Deyth Banger
Jokes quotes by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
#2. OK, now let's have some fun. Let's talk about sex. Let's talk about women. Freud said he didn't know what women wanted. I know what women want. They want a whole lot of people to talk to. What do they want to talk about? They want to talk about everything.

What do men want? They want a lot of pals, and they wish people wouldn't get so mad at them.

Why are so many people getting divorced today? It's because most of us don't have extended families anymore. It used to be that when a man and a woman got married, the bride got a lot more people to talk to about everything. The groom got a lot more pals to tell dumb jokes to.

A few Americans, but very few, still have extended families. The Navahos. The Kennedys.

But most of us, if we get married nowadays, are just one more person for the other person. The groom gets one more pal, but it's a woman. The woman gets one more person to talk to about everything, but it's a man.

When a couple has an argument, they may think it's about money or power or sex, or how to raise the kids, or whatever. What they're really saying to each other, though, without realizing it, is this:
"You are not enough people!"

I met a man in Nigeria one time, an Ibo who has six hundred relatives he knew quite well. His wife had just had a baby, the best possible news in any extended family.

They were going to take it to meet all its relatives, Ibos of all ages and sizes and shapes. #Quote by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Jokes quotes by John Lasseter
#3. Soon I learned that the worse the puns and jokes, the funnier they could be, if you knew how to deliver them. #Quote by John Lasseter
Jokes quotes by Lord Chesterfield
#4. Horse-play, romping, frequent and loud fits of laughter, jokes, and indiscriminate familiarity, will sink both merit and knowledge into a degree of contempt. They compose at most a merry fellow; and a merry fellow was never yet a respectable man. #Quote by Lord Chesterfield
Jokes quotes by Dianna Hardy
#5. Always. There is always time for jokes. As my father would say, humour is the spark that lights every dark. #Quote by Dianna Hardy
Jokes quotes by Nathan Fillion
#6. I'm a plethora of stolen jokes and kitschy references. #Quote by Nathan Fillion
Jokes quotes by Aziz Ansari
#7. I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind working and you are able to come up with new tags for jokes and just riff off things in the room. #Quote by Aziz Ansari
Jokes quotes by Lois McMaster Bujold
#8. Only the saints would joke so about the gods, because it was either joke or scream, and they alone knew it was all the same to the gods. #Quote by Lois McMaster Bujold
Jokes quotes by Daniel Tosh
#9. It's funny ... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing ... the line you are not to cross. #Quote by Daniel Tosh
Jokes quotes by Stephen King
#10. The inmates made jokes about the chair, the way people always make jokes about things that frighten them but can't be gotten away from. #Quote by Stephen King
Jokes quotes by Cynthia Hand
#11. Put down the book." She wanted to look away, as he seemed distracted from holding the trousers in place, but she couldn't take her eyes off the book. What if he hurt it? What if he followed through with his threat?
"No horse jokes,"he said.
"My lord, I apologize for the horse joke. If you put down the book - unharmed! - I will give you a carrot. #Quote by Cynthia Hand
Jokes quotes by Steve Harvey
#12. I can't cuss and tell jokes the rest of my life. I gotta say something meaningful. I gotta give something back to a Creator who has given so much to me. #Quote by Steve Harvey
Jokes quotes by James Howe
#13. Words played an important part in my growing up. Not only the written word ... but words that flew through the air: jokes, riddles, puns. #Quote by James Howe
Jokes quotes by Bob Hope
#14. I tell jokes to pay my green fees. #Quote by Bob Hope
Jokes quotes by Joseph F. Girzone
#15. There were rumors and jokes and casual remarks made about him, and the bishop and his staff were content to allow Joshua's reputation to be determined by these remarks. It showed the poverty of their concern for the real life of the community and the little value they placed on reputations. #Quote by Joseph F. Girzone
Jokes quotes by Eudora Welty
#16. It was entirely taken for granted that there wasn't any lying in our family, and I was advanced in adolescence before I realized that in plenty of homes where I played with schoolmates, and went to their parties, children lied to their parents and parents lied to their children and to each other. It took me a long time to realize that these very same everyday lies, and the stratagems and jokes and tricks and dares that went with them, were in fact the basis of the scenes I so well loved to hear about and hoped for and treasured in the conversation of adults. My instinct - the dramatic instinct - was to lead me, eventually, on the right track for a storyteller: the scene was full of hints, pointers, suggestions, and promises of things to find out and know about human beings.I had to grow up and learn to listen for the unspoken as well as the spoken - and to know a truth, I also had to recognize a lie. #Quote by Eudora Welty
Jokes quotes by Siegfried Sassoon
#17. And there'd be no more jokes in Music-halls
To mock the riddled corpses round Bapaume. #Quote by Siegfried Sassoon
Jokes quotes by James A. Owen
#18. It's Elvish," Tummeler repeated. "It says, basically, 'Declare allegiance, and be welcomed."
"Well, doesn't it perhaps mean that the magic word that opens the door is 'allegiance'?" Said Jack. "In Elvish?"
"That's a stupid idea," said John. "Then anyone who spoke Elvish could get in. #Quote by James A. Owen
Jokes quotes by Paul Rust
#19. My mom was my English teacher in high school. So to be able to bend the rules and be the class clown and get to take on my religion, my mom, and my town all at the same time was glorious. I think the desire to be funny was a mixture of wanting to be liked but also wanting to throw your elbows a bit. If you're cracking a joke in school, it's sort of anti-authority, but it's in the nicest, "Please like me!" way. #Quote by Paul Rust
Jokes quotes by Matt Groening
#20. Our solution on 'The Simpsons' is to do jokes that people who have an education, or some frame of reference, can get. And for the ones who don't, it doesn't matter, because we have Homer banging his head and saying, 'D'oh!' #Quote by Matt Groening
Jokes quotes by Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
#21. It is when subjective consciousness maintains its independence of everything, that it says, 'It is I who through my educated thoughts can annul all determinations of right, morality, good, &c., because I am clearly master of them, and I know that if anything seems good to me I can easily subvert it, because things are only true to me in so far as they please me now.' This irony is thus only a trifling with everything, and it can transform all things into show: to this subjectivity nothing is any longer serious, for any seriousness which it has, immediately becomes dissipated again in jokes, and all noble or divine truth vanishes away or becomes mere triviality. #Quote by Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
Jokes quotes by Judah Friedlander
#22. I started doing my own animated movies when I was in ninth grade; that's when I got the filmmaking bug. When I was about 16, I started writing jokes for doing stand up, and then I was 19 and started doing stand up. #Quote by Judah Friedlander
Jokes quotes by Andra Brynn
#23. And suddenly I think: nothing is fine. It's never fine. It's always an illusion. Happy smiles, assurances, jokes, laughter - there's no way to tell if it is real, or a mask. There's always something terrible hurtling toward you, something that will destroy all that you love and alter your life forever. You may not know it, but it's coming and there's nothing you can do. No amount of hammering, or holy water, or screaming will change that.
You can scream no, and stop, and please, you can reach out and try to bend fate to your will with your own two hands, but it has already been decided. In every moment, a thousand accidents wait to happen, already in place and poised to strike, and we don't even know it #Quote by Andra Brynn
Jokes quotes by Steve Martin
#24. I realized that comedians of the day were operating on jokes and punch lines. The moment you say the punch line, the audience either laughs sincerely or they laugh automatically or they don't laugh. The thing that bothered me was that automatic laugh. I said, that's not real laughter. #Quote by Steve Martin
Jokes quotes by David Rees
#25. I got to draw shapes. I really like to draw funky, geometric shapes. And I got to use just different fonts and make a joke of how feminine it was, but it didn't even have people in it. To me, it was so exciting and interesting to do that for a while. #Quote by David Rees
Jokes quotes by Walter M. Miller Jr.
#26. We are the centuries... We have your eoliths and your mesoliths and your neoliths. We have your Babylons and your Pompeiis, your Caesars and your chromium-plated (vital-ingredient impregnated) artifacts. We have your bloody hatchets and your Hiroshimas. We march in spite of Hell, we do – Atrophy, Entropy, and Proteus vulgaris, telling bawdy jokes about a farm girl name of Eve and a traveling salesman called Lucifer. We bury your dead and their reputations. We bury you. We are the centuries. Be born then, gasp wind, screech at the surgeon's slap, seek manhood, taste a little godhood, feel pain, give birth, struggle a little while, succumb: (Dying, leave quietly by the rear exit, please.) Generation, regeneration, again, again, as in a ritual, with blood-stained vestments and nail-torn hands, children of Merlin, chasing a gleam. Children, too, of Eve, forever building Edens – and kicking them apart in berserk fury because somehow it isn't the same. (AGH! AGH! AGH! – an idiot screams his mindless anguish amid the rubble. But quickly! let it be inundated by the choir, chanting Alleluias at ninety decibels.) #Quote by Walter M. Miller Jr.
Jokes quotes by Chris D'Elia
#27. I definitely am a performer, and there are different styles of stand-up; I mean, some people are writers and they get onstage to get jokes out, and that's definitely not what I do. I like to just go up and, if I'm telling a story about someone, I'll play his or her part. #Quote by Chris D'Elia
Jokes quotes by Drew Hayden Taylor
#28. I've spent too many years explaining who and what I am repeatedly, so as of this moment I officially secede from both races. I plan to start my own separate nation. Because I am half Ojibway and half Caucasian, we will be called the Occasions. And of course, since I'm founding the new nation, I will be a Special Occasion. #Quote by Drew Hayden Taylor
Jokes quotes by Abigail Roux
#29. Zane let his head loll back and lifted one hand to gently prod his split lip. "Ow."

"Whine about it. It'll make it better," Ty offered as he stood in front of his locker, his back to Zane, and unwrapped the tape from his hands with jerky, irritated movements.

"Bite me," Zane muttered as he dug into his locker for a towel before starting in on the tape on his own hands. He spared an evil glance for Ty. "Teaching me to advance in a fight is a bad idea."

"Teaching you to fight at all is an exercise in futility," Ty responded in a matter-of-fact tone. "Luckily for you, I enjoy things like banging my head against a wall."

"I enjoy banging your head against a wall too," Zane replied as he tossed the balled-up tape at a nearby trash can. He let a small smile quirk his lips as he sat on the bench to unlace his shoes.

"Shut up," Ty grunted at him. But even though his back was still turned to him, Zane could hear the smile in his voice. "And cut it out with the damn cat jokes, huh? They're starting to catch on."

"Fine, fine. No reason to get catty about it," Zane told his partner with a barely concealed grin.

"A for effort," Ty conceded charitably. #Quote by Abigail Roux
Jokes quotes by Bruce Forsyth
#30. I'm not even really a joke-teller. I can do ad-lib and banter, but I don't do jokes. #Quote by Bruce Forsyth
Jokes quotes by Laurie Colwin
#31. That family glaze of common references, jokes, events, calamities-that sense of a family being like a kitchen midden: layer upon layer of the things daily life is made of. The edifice that lovers build is by comparison delicate and one-dimensional. #Quote by Laurie Colwin
Jokes quotes by Amor Towles
#32. At its best, a cocktail should be crisp, elegant, sincere - and limited to two ingredients." "Just two?" "Yes. But they must be two ingredients that complement each other; that laugh at each other's jokes and make allowances for each other's faults; and that never shout over each other in conversation. Like gin and tonic," he said, pointing to his drink. "Or bourbon and water . . . Or whiskey and soda . . . #Quote by Amor Towles
Jokes quotes by Jo Brand
#33. I think it's really important to be kind, especially to people whose lives are grim - I try hard to cheer people up in as many ways as I can - if all else fails - I tell 'em a joke! #Quote by Jo Brand
Jokes quotes by David Chuka
#34. Life would be perfect if monster would stop farting. #Quote by David Chuka
Jokes quotes by Kiera Cass
#35. I really hope so. Partly because, yes, we're duty bound to produce heirs. But also ... I want everything with you, America. I want the holidays and the birthdays, the busy seasons and lazy weekends. I want peanut butter finger-prints on my desk. I want inside jokes and fights and everything. I want a life with you. - Maxon Schreave #Quote by Kiera Cass
Jokes quotes by Gena Showalter
#36. Strider's bedroom The only thing hanging on the wall that wasn't a weapon was the portrait just over the bed. No. Not true, he thought then. The portrait was a weapon, too. Of seduction. In it Strider was utterly naked and whisking through the cloads like an avenging angel. He was holding a teddy bear in one hand and a stream of pink ribbons in the other. Anya had given him the nearly life-size monstrasity as a joke. But the joke was on her. He loved the thing. #Quote by Gena Showalter
Jokes quotes by Nipsey Russell
#37. I start with the joke line and write backward. #Quote by Nipsey Russell
Jokes quotes by Finley Peter Dunne
#38. The last man that makes a joke owns it. #Quote by Finley Peter Dunne
Jokes quotes by Nora Sakavic
#39. He flashed Neil a triumphant grin, oblivious to the way the store clerks were staring at them. "I am a master at persuasion." "Or self-delusion," Neil said. Nicky's eyebrows shot up. "Oh my god, did you try to make a joke? Did it hurt a little? No, really," he said when Neil turned as if to leave him. "What put you in such a good mood?" Turning put Andrew in Neil's line of sight again. #Quote by Nora Sakavic
Jokes quotes by Hector Elizondo
#40. You can trust a Neil Simon script. Every dot. Every dash; that pause means something. He takes all the jokes out, practically. #Quote by Hector Elizondo
Jokes quotes by Ernesto Sabato
#41. Martin looked at Alejandra with a pained expression. How he detested that face of hers, her boutique-face, the one that she seemed to put on deliberately in order to play her role in that frivolous world; a face that seemed to linger on once she found herself alone with him, its abominable features fading away only very slowly, as there gradually emerged one or another of the faces that belonged to him alone, a face he waited for as one awaits a beloved traveler amid a repulsive crowd. But as Bruno said, the word person means "mask", and each of us has many masks; that of father, professor, lover....But which is the real one? And is there in fact one that is the real one? At certain moments Martin thought that the Alejandra that he was now seeing there before him, laughing at Bobby's jokes, was not, could not be the same Alejandra that he knew, and above all could not be the more profound, the marvelous and fearsome Alejandra that he loved. But at other times (and as the weeks went by the more he began to be convinced of it), he was inclined to think, as Bruno did, that all these Alejandras were real and that that boutique-face was genuine too and in some way or other expressed a sort of reality inherent in Alejandra's soul: a reality--and heaven only knew how many others there were!---that was foreign to him, that did not belong to him and never would. And then, when she came to him still bearing the faint traces of those other personalities, as though she had not had the ti #Quote by Ernesto Sabato
Jokes quotes by Sharon Kay Penman
#42. I certainly know all about the Jersey jokes that amuse the rest of the country. You've probably heard them. Our state bird is the mosquito. Our state tree is dead. It doesn't help that we are represented on television by Tony Soprano and 'Jersey Shore.' #Quote by Sharon Kay Penman
Jokes quotes by Sonali Dev
#43. But how could you have been so calm when that cop was treating you that way?" She hadn't been able to keep the question inside.
He had laughed then, as though she'd made the most tasteless of jokes. A sound so harsh it had gouged out everything she had been up until that moment. "Maybe because I don't have a 'U.S. Attorney brother' card to pull."
She'd deserved that. "So you just let them do what they want?"
"Yes! I'm not keen on the idea of a bullet in my head, or finding my arse dumped in jail. I have a sister who needs medical care and has absolutely no one to take care of her if I disappear. So, yes, they can do whatever the bloody hell they want."
After that she'd stayed quiet. #Quote by Sonali Dev
Jokes quotes by Rick Riordan
#44. Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on! #Quote by Rick Riordan
Jokes quotes by R.J. Palacio
#45. There's a lot of unnecessary meanness that happens while you're trying to sort out who you want to be, who your friends are, who your friends are not. Adults spend a lot of time talking about bullying in schools these days, but the real problem isn't as obvious as one kid throwing a Slurpee in another kid's face. It's about social isolation. It's about cruel jokes. It's about the way kids treat one another. I've seen it with my own eyes, how old friends can turn against each other: it seems, sometimes, that it's not enough for them to go their separate ways - they literally have to "ice" their old buddies out just to prove to the new friends that they're no longer still friends. That's the kind of stuff I don't find acceptable. Fine, don't be friends anymore: but stay kind about it. Be respectful. Is that too much to ask? #Quote by R.J. Palacio
Jokes quotes by Susanna Clarke
#46. He was a man who knew there were such things as jokes in the world or people would not write about them, but had never actually been introduced to one or shaken its hand. #Quote by Susanna Clarke
Jokes quotes by John Frame
#47. Everything in Scripture has the force of law. What it teaches we are to believe; what it commands, we are to do. We should take its wisdom to heart, imitate its heroes, laugh at its jokes, trust its promises, and sing its songs. #Quote by John Frame
Jokes quotes by Joseph J. Ellis
#48. The issue concerned a minor matter of etiquette: How should the president be addressed by members of Congress? While hardly an earthshaking question, it had symbolic significance because of the obsessive American suspicion of monarchy, which haunted all conversations about the powers of the presidency under the recently ratified constituion...Anyone who favored a strong exective was vulnerable to the charge of being a quasi-monarchist...Adams was so confident in his own revolutionary credentials that he regarded himself as immune to such charges, but when he lectured the Senate on the need for elaborate trappings of authority and proposed the President Washington be addressed as 'His Majesty' or 'His Highness,'his remarks became the butt of serveral barbed jokes, including the suggestion that he had been seized by 'nobilimania' during his long sojourn in England and might prefer to be addressed as 'His Rotundity'or the 'Duke of Braintree.' Jefferson threw up his hands at the sheer stupidity of Adam's proposals, calling them 'the most superlatively ridiculous thing I ever heard of. #Quote by Joseph J. Ellis
Jokes quotes by Gabrielle Zevin
#49. What are you reading?" Owen asks.
"Charlotte's Web," Liz says. "It's really sad. One of the main characters just died."
"You ought to read the book from end to beginning," Owen jokes. "That way, no one dies, and it's always a happy ending. #Quote by Gabrielle Zevin
Jokes quotes by Neil Gaiman
#50. I really like being able to laugh at my own jokes. #Quote by Neil Gaiman
Jokes quotes by Stephen King
#51. That slit was the object of every man's lust - the heterosexual ones, at least - but it was frequently an object of their inexplicable scorn, distrust, and hate. You didn't hear that dark anger in all their jokes, but it was present in enough of them, and in some it was right out front, raw as a sore: What's a woman? A life-support system for a cunt . #Quote by Stephen King
Jokes quotes by Lisa Lampanelli
#52. Jeff Foxworthy is a legend. Every time I see his moustache it reminds me to wax my lip and every time I hear his jokes it reminds me to wipe my ass. #Quote by Lisa Lampanelli
Jokes quotes by Ludwig Wittgenstein
#53. Any serious philosophy can be described entirely through jokes. #Quote by Ludwig Wittgenstein
Jokes quotes by Nora Roberts
#54. He whirled,almost violently,and stared at her accusingly. "Damn it, Gennie, I've had my head lopped off."
It was her turn to stare.Her fingers went numb against the stoneware. Her pulse seemed to stop long enough to make her head swim before it began to race. The color drained from her face until it was like porcelain against the glowing green of her eyes.On another oath, Grant dragged a hand through his hair.
"You're spilling the coffee," he muttered, then stuck his hands in his pockets.
"Oh." Gennie looked down foolishly at the tiny twin puddles that were forming on the floor,then set down the mugs. "I'll-I'll wipe it up."
"Leave it." Grant grabbed her arm before she could reach for a towel. "Listen,I feel like someone's just given me a solid right straight to the gut-the kind that doubles you over and makes your head ring at the same time.I feel that way too often when I look at you." When she said nothing, he took her other arm and shook. "In the first place I never asked to have you walk into my life and mess up my head. The last thing I wanted was for you to get in my way,but you did.So now I'm in love with you, and I can tell you,I'm not crazy about the idea."
Gennie found her voice, though she wasn't quite certain what to do with it. "Well," she managed after a moment, "that certainly puts me in my place."
"Oh,she wants to make jokes." Disgusted, Grant released her to storm over to the coffee. Lifting a mug, he drained half the contents, #Quote by Nora Roberts
Jokes quotes by Matthew Perry
#55. I need a woman to have a quirky sense of humor. There's a bunch of jokes I use, and if she doesn't get them, she's probably not for me. #Quote by Matthew Perry
Jokes quotes by Rainn Wilson
#56. I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes. #Quote by Rainn Wilson
Jokes quotes by Justin Swapp
#57. You never cook onions with your beans. That's a recipe for tear gas. #Quote by Justin Swapp
Jokes quotes by Drew Barrymore
#58. I love jokes, but God, jokes can go so wrong. I have stayed up many nights thinking, "F**k. I can't believe I made that silly little joke. That was a disaster." #Quote by Drew Barrymore
Jokes quotes by Jim Fowler
#59. Johnny Carson started the jokes about me and Marlin in his monologues. #Quote by Jim Fowler
Jokes quotes by David Rees
#60. Just because something makes you smile or laugh ... doesn't mean it's a joke. #Quote by David Rees
Jokes quotes by David Byrne
#61. There's an old joke that you know you're in heaven if the cooks are Italian and the engineering is German. If it's the other way around you're in hell. #Quote by David Byrne
Jokes quotes by Laurence Sterne
#62. All womankind, from the highest to the lowest love jokes; the difficulty is to know how they choose to have them cut; and there is no knowing that, but by trying, as we do with our artillery in the field, by raising or letting down their breeches, till we hit the mark. #Quote by Laurence Sterne
Jokes quotes by Joel McHale
#63. Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy. #Quote by Joel McHale
Jokes quotes by Storm Jameson
#64. A joke is a joke or the image of a truth ... #Quote by Storm Jameson
Jokes quotes by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#65. Not every single way of saying the right thing is right. #Quote by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Jokes quotes by Jon Stewart
#66. I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. #Quote by Jon Stewart
Jokes quotes by Demetri Martin
#67. Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. #Quote by Demetri Martin
Jokes quotes by Mel Brooks
#68. Everything starts with writing. And then to support your vision, your ideas, your philosophy, your jokes, whatever, you've gotta perform them and/or direct them, or sometimes just produce them. #Quote by Mel Brooks
Jokes quotes by Orlando Aloysius Battista
#69. The shortest distance between two jokes makes a perfect speech. #Quote by Orlando Aloysius Battista
Jokes quotes by William Cowper
#70. She, that will with kittens jest, Should bear a kitten's joke. #Quote by William Cowper
Jokes quotes by Charles Sanders Peirce
#71. In all the works on pedagogy that ever I read - and they have been many, big, and heavy - I don't remember that any one has advocated a system of teaching by practical jokes, mostly cruel. That, however, describes the method of our great teacher, Experience. #Quote by Charles Sanders Peirce
Jokes quotes by Sam Kinison
#72. I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry. #Quote by Sam Kinison
Jokes quotes by Victoria Dahl
#73. Lori sat way back in her chair and gave him the once-over. What in the world's gotten into Ben Lawson? jokes? Flirting? Maybe I should sleep with Molly. I think she's got a magic hooha. #Quote by Victoria Dahl
Jokes quotes by Jamie Foxx
#74. You know what? I never really factor Hollywood into anything. I'm a black actor, so I can't really control what Hollywood thinks. I gotta go do my thing, and my jokes have got to be funny. Whatever I do has got to be great. #Quote by Jamie Foxx
Jokes quotes by Julius Charles Hare
#75. The next best thing to a very good joke is a very bad one. #Quote by Julius Charles Hare
Jokes quotes by Robert Louis Stevenson
#76. You can read Kant by yourself, if you wanted to; but you must share a joke with someone else. #Quote by Robert Louis Stevenson
Jokes quotes by David Lean
#77. Don't make jokes about food. #Quote by David Lean
Jokes quotes by Stewart Stafford
#78. I'm not a fan of April Fools' Day. I can take a joke; I just don't want to BE the joke. #Quote by Stewart Stafford
Jokes quotes by Jennifer Johnston
#79. I think I have got a very good sense of humour; other people don't, but I do. I also laugh at my own jokes. #Quote by Jennifer Johnston
Jokes quotes by Yazan Haddadin
#80. Diseases, problems, bad days and memories are all known by God ... But only those who thinks that they are just jokes from God and life, and reply with a smile SURVIVE. #Quote by Yazan Haddadin
Jokes quotes by Kimberly Novosel
#81. If they were the jokes, I was the punch line. #Quote by Kimberly Novosel
Jokes quotes by Gordon B. Hinckley
#82. Stay out of the gutter in your conversation. Foul talk defiles the man who speaks it ... Don't swear. Don't profane. Avoid so-called dirty jokes. Stay away from conversation that is sprinkled with foul and filthy words. You will be happier if you do so, and your example will give strength to others. #Quote by Gordon B. Hinckley
Jokes quotes by Lisa Crystal Carver
#83. Anything well done has the feeling of death to me, of being finished. I don't want to "master" anything. I want to spy, and sneak, and capture things just as they are . . . record all that comes before and after the song - jokes and fights and private moments.

Having an unfillable hole inside is a great catalyst. You're always trying new things to fill it. People with holes look good! Look ready for action. But then sometimes you're home alone, and there's nothing new to try, and the hole's still there. "Hey," it growls, poking you from inside, "I'm hungry." I get tired of it!

We are like two living cells inside a just-dead body - doomed, terrified.

She argues herself out of anything she's working on, halfway through. As I stand there in the downpour and pull the mailbox open and drop my letter down the hole, I think about how Cindy is more beautiful, intelligent, and intricate than me, but still I have the winning point: whatever I do, even when I'm wrong, I go all the way.

It's dark humor, but it's rooted in something real. What you present to the world is light humor. You keep it fun and fast-paced. No one can relate to that long-term. Struggle is what makes life rich - not success. #Quote by Lisa Crystal Carver
Jokes quotes by Vladimir Odoevsky
#84. At that shameful stage in the development of our criticism, literary abuse would overstep all limits of decorum; literature itself was a totally extraneous matter in critical articles: they were pure invective, a vulgar battle of vulgar jokes, double-entendres, the most vicious calumnies and offensive constructions. It goes without saying, that in this inglorious battle, the only winners were those who had nothing to lose as far as their good name was concerned. My friends and I were totally deluded. We imagined ourselves engaged in the subtle philosophical disputes of the portico or the academy, or at least the drawing room. In actual fact we were slumming it. #Quote by Vladimir Odoevsky
Jokes quotes by Jack Mapanje
#85. Last Christmas they sat beside the hearths
Secure, together, cracking roast chestnuts

Or stale jokes about holies and ivies
As red wines cooled down another hot year

Today, even the vines threaten to stream
The streets with banners of another fire. #Quote by Jack Mapanje
Jokes quotes by Kelley Armstrong
#86. Gabriel Walsh comes from a long line of hustlers. He's just the first one to go to law school and get a license for it. #Quote by Kelley Armstrong
Jokes quotes by Demetri Martin
#87. Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two. #Quote by Demetri Martin
Jokes quotes by Lewis Black
#88. A lot of the times I'm looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it's a set, a story that I'll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that. #Quote by Lewis Black
Jokes quotes by Dave Eggers
#89. When my parents passed on, and we read their wills, we discovered something we didn't at all expect, especially from our devoutly Catholic mother: they had both left instructions that their bodies be donated to science. We were bewildered and we were pissed. They wanted their cadavers to be used by medical students, they wanted their flesh to be cut into and their cancerous organs examined. We were breathless. They wanted no elaborate funerals, no expense incurred for such stuff – they hated wasting money or time on ceremony, on appearances. When they died there was little left – the house, the cars. And their bodies, and they gave those away. To offer them to strangers was disgusting, wrong, embarrassing. And selfish to us, their children, who would have to live with the thought of their cold weight sinking on silver tables, surrounded by students chewing gum and making jokes about the location of freckles. But then again: Nothing can be preserved. It's all on the way out, from the second it appears, and whatever you have always has one eye on the exit, and so screw it. As hideous and uncouth as it is, we have to give it all away, our bodies, our secrets, our money, everything we know: All must be given away, given away every day, because to be human means:

1. To be good
2. To save nothing #Quote by Dave Eggers
Jokes quotes by Seth MacFarlane
#90. Some of those more out-there jokes were written in the wee hours of the morning. Somehow, they remained funny the next day. #Quote by Seth MacFarlane
Jokes quotes by Michael Jackson
#91. I'm not a comedian. I'm not a show host. I'm a musician. That's why I've turned down offers to host the Grammy Awards and the American Music Awards. Is it really entertaining for me to get up there and crack a few weak jokes and force people to laugh because I'm Michael Jackson, when I know in my heart that I'm not funny? #Quote by Michael Jackson
Jokes quotes by Andy Griffiths
#92. I had a healthy curiosity and would try things on - play lots of practical jokes. But it was more in my head - fantasies of What would happen if ... ? Like what would happen in class if you took all your clothes off and you ran around the room? #Quote by Andy Griffiths
Jokes quotes by Bridget Christie
#93. Women were invented ages ago, before the 1960s, because God realised very quickly that Adam needed an audience for his jokes. #Quote by Bridget Christie
Jokes quotes by Julie Kagawa
#94. He shook his head, examining the wound again. "It's not frostbitten," he muttered. "It'll blister, but you should be fine. You might only lose a couple fingers."
I glanced at him sharply, but he was smirking. For a moment, I was speechless. Good God, the Ice Prince was making jokes now; the world must be ending. #Quote by Julie Kagawa
Jokes quotes by Oliver Markus Malloy
#95. Yo mama so slutty, Trump still owes her hush money. #Quote by Oliver Markus Malloy
Jokes quotes by Daniel Tosh
#96. I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I. #Quote by Daniel Tosh
Jokes quotes by Jon Stewart
#97. Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case ... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward. #Quote by Jon Stewart
Jokes quotes by Virginia Woolf
#98. This fiddling and drifting and not impressing oneself upon anything – this always refraining and fingering and cutting things up into little jokes and facetiousness – that's what's so annihilating. Yet given little money, little looks, no special gift – what can one do? How could one battle? How could one leap on the back of life and wring its scruff? #Quote by Virginia Woolf
Jokes quotes by Terry Pratchett
#99. It's like that in the Watch, too." said Angua. "You can be any sex you like provided you act male. There's no men and women in the Watch, just a bunch of lads. You'll soon learn the language. Basically it's how much beer you supped last night, how strong the curry was you had afterwards, and where you were sick. Just think egotesticle. You'll soon get the hang of it. And you'll have to be prepared for sexually explicit jokes in the Watch House. #Quote by Terry Pratchett
Jokes quotes by Kiersten White
#100. He'd never been one for jokes, but of course he'd pick now to get a sense of humor. #Quote by Kiersten White
Jokes quotes by Alexandra Adornetto
#101. Raphael continued to stare at me, in no hurry to get started. "You know the best way to get rid of a demon, right?" He asked with a serious face. I caught Ivy rolling her eyes as I shook my head.
"Exorcise alot!"
Ivy caught my expression of dismay. "It's okay, Beth. He's famous for his bad jokes. We're still waiting for him to grow up."
"And like Peter Pan, I hope to avoid that at all costs. #Quote by Alexandra Adornetto
Jokes quotes by Robert Greene
#102. The problem is that you often do not know your friends as well as you imagine. Friends often agree on things in order to avoid an argument. They cover up their unpleasant qualities so as to not offend each other. They laugh extra hard at each other's jokes. Since honesty rarely strengthens friendship, you may never know how a friend truly feels. Friends will say that they love your poetry, adore your music, envy your taste in clothes - maybe they mean it, often they do not. When you decide to hire a friend, you gradually discover the qualities he or she has kept hidden. Strangely enough, it is your act of kindness that unbalances everything. #Quote by Robert Greene
Jokes quotes by Bill Bryson
#103. It's interesting that Melburnians don't tell jokes about Sydney. They tell jokes about their beloved footy. To wit: A man arriving for the Grand Final in Melbourne is surprised to find the seat beside his empty. Tickets for the Grand Final are sold out weeks in advance and empty seats unknown. So he says to the man on the other side of the seat: 'Excuse me, do you know why there is no one in this seat?' 'It was my wife's,' answers the second man, a touch wistfully, 'but I'm afraid she died.' 'Oh, that's terrible. I'm so sorry.' 'Yes, she never missed a match.' 'But couldn't you have given the ticket to a friend or relative?' 'Oh no. They're all at the funeral. #Quote by Bill Bryson
Jokes quotes by Various
#104. bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes #Quote by Various
Jokes quotes by Chris Rock
#105. Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers - Sting is always going to sing 'Roxanne'. But people want to hear new jokes. I've written jokes as good as 'Roxanne', I believe. But I can't tell them again. #Quote by Chris Rock
Jokes quotes by David Eddings
#106. Operating by trial and error mostly, we've evolved a tacitly agreed upon list of the elements that make for a good fantasy. The first decision the aspiring fantasist must make is theological. King Arthur and Charlemagne were Christians. Siegfried and Sigurd the Volsung were pagans. My personal view is that pagans write better stories. When a writer is having fun, it shows, and pagans have more fun than Christians. Let's scrape Horace's Dulche et utile off the plate before we even start the banquet. We're writing for fun, not to provide moral instruction. I had much more fun with the Belgariad/Malloreon than you did, because I know where all the jokes are.
All right, then, for item number one, I chose paganism. (Note that Papa Tolkien, a devout Anglo-Catholic, took the same route.) #Quote by David Eddings
Jokes quotes by Guillermo Del Toro
#107. I think when the joke comes from the situation in a horror film, it's really great. I don't like jokey horror films like where people are cracking a joke or being post-modern about it. #Quote by Guillermo Del Toro
Jokes quotes by Neil Gaiman
#108. There's a glorious sense of freedom in comedy, just allowing myself to tell jokes, allowing myself to interrupt myself and tell old African folk stories that I made up - or didn't - and Jamaican stories. #Quote by Neil Gaiman
Jokes quotes by Garrison Keillor
#109. Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards, and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments with laboratory rats have shown that, if one psychologist in the room laughs at something a rat does, all of the other psychologists will laugh equally. Nobody wants to be left holding the joke. #Quote by Garrison Keillor
Jokes quotes by Cassandra Rose Clarke
#110. You know, that pissed me off. We'd traveled half around the world to get to him, and there were monsters chasing us and Naji's curse was impossible to break, and here he was cracking jokes about our professions. #Quote by Cassandra Rose Clarke
Jokes quotes by T.C. Boyle
#111. I'm just having fun making jokes and writing books. But you see me once a year, I come on when I have a new book out, but basically, I've got my nose to the grindstone and I'm doing what I'm supposed to do in life, which is make stories. #Quote by T.C. Boyle
Jokes quotes by Billy Connolly
#112. I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes. #Quote by Billy Connolly
Jokes quotes by Chris Hardwick
#113. With stand-up, there's a little bit of an exaggerated reality because things have to be manipulated to create comedy, to create jokes. #Quote by Chris Hardwick
Jokes quotes by Emo Philips
#114. Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows. #Quote by Emo Philips
Jokes quotes by Mo Rocca
#115. It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict. #Quote by Mo Rocca
Jokes quotes by Ted Allen
#116. Cooking allows you to have travels, adventures and journeys without going anywhere. The running joke between my partner and me is that I'm not really concerned about how long it takes, or how much I destroy the kitchen, because I just have such a good time doing it. #Quote by Ted Allen
Jokes quotes by Sy Safransky
#117. The sun isn't your friend. It didn't laugh at that stupid little joke. But when the business failed, when your beauty failed, when you should have gone home but spent the night, the sun kept shining. #Quote by Sy Safransky
Jokes quotes by Thom Yorke
#118. The joke is that U2's new record only looked like a virus. Enjoy mining bitcoins for me losers. #Quote by Thom Yorke
Jokes quotes by Tiffany Reisz
#119. What's your favourite position?"
"I usually play winger."
"Zach, I adore you, but you can't make soccer jokes during phone sex. It just isn't done. #Quote by Tiffany Reisz
Jokes quotes by Meg Wolitzer
#120. I want to not think so much about what I want, and what I missed out on. I want to think about other things - other people, in other places even. I am so tired of all the little ironic in-jokes, and reciting lines from TV shows and movies and books. Everything from the . . . circumscribed world. I want an uncircumscribed world. #Quote by Meg Wolitzer
Jokes quotes by Gillian Flynn
#121. The ones who are not soul-mated – the ones who have settled – are even more dismissive of my singleness: It's not that hard to find someone to marry, they say. No relationship is perfect, they say – they, who make do with dutiful sex and gassy bedtime rituals, who settle for TV as conversation, who believe that husbandly capitulation – yes, honey, okay, honey – is the same as concord. He's doing what you tell him to do because he doesn't care enough to argue, I think. Your petty demands simply make him feel superior, or resentful, and someday he will fuck his pretty, young coworker who asks nothing of him, and you will actually be shocked.

Give me a man with a little fight in him, a man who calls me on my bullshit. (But who also kind of likes my bullshit.) And yet: Don't land me in one of those relationships where we're always pecking at each other, disguising insults as jokes, rolling our eyes and 'playfully' scrapping in front of our friends, hoping to lure them to our side of an argument they could not care less about. Those awful if only relationships: This marriage would be great if only… and you sense the if only list is a lot longer than either of them realizes.

So I know I am right not to settle, but it doesn't make me feel better as my friends pair off and I stay home on Friday night with a bottle of wine and make myself an extravagant meal and tell myself, This is perfect, as if I'm the one dating me. As I go to endless rounds of parties and b #Quote by Gillian Flynn
Jokes quotes by Sacha Baron Cohen
#122. I think you can be politically incorrect, but there's some responsibility with that. You've got to make sure that you are not condoning or bolstering any racial or other stereotypes. You've got to be free to make jokes, but just make sure ... you don't want to go and black face somewhere to just prove a point. If it's insulting and offensive just for the sake of it that's problematic. #Quote by Sacha Baron Cohen
Jokes quotes by Ray Bradbury
#123. And suddenly she was so strange he couldn't believe he knew her at all. He was in someone else's house, like those other jokes people told of the gentleman, drunk, coming home late late at night, unlocking the wrong door, entering a wrong room, and bedding with a stranger and getting up early and going to work and neither of them the wiser. #Quote by Ray Bradbury
Jokes quotes by James Tiptree Jr.
#124. Brash souls made jokes about what must be mountains of unread spy-eye data stored who knew where and how. #Quote by James Tiptree Jr.
Jokes quotes by Brandon Sanderson
#125. Breeze chuckled. "He was completely insane, you know. The worse things got, the more he'd joke. I
remember how chipper he was the very day after one of our worst defeats, when we lost most of our
skaa army to that fool Yeden. Kell walked in, a spring in his step, making one of his inane jokes."
"Sounds insensitive," Allrianne said.
Ham shook his head. "No. He was just determined. He always said that laughter was something the
Lord Ruler couldn't take from him. He planned and executed the overthrow of a thousand-year
empire - and he did it as a kind of ... penance for letting his wife die thinking that he hated her. But, he
did it all with a smirk on his lips. Like every joke was his way of slapping fate in the face."
"We need what he had," Elend said. #Quote by Brandon Sanderson
Jokes quotes by James Bobin
#126. Cable news is 24 hours long so you have to fill it up with something. No, the Muppets are not communist. And the character of Tex Richman is not an allegory for capitalism in any way. The character is called Tex Richman. It's a joke. Clearly he is a classic, old school bad guy. He's bad not because he works for an oil company but because he's evil. No, it's not a communist movie in any way. #Quote by James Bobin
Jokes quotes by Ricky Gervais
#127. Real racist jokes or sexist jokes aren't funny - not because they're offensive, but because they're not true. As soon as a joke is based on an untruth, it's not funny. #Quote by Ricky Gervais
Jokes quotes by Kevin Costner
#128. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. #Quote by Kevin Costner
Jokes quotes by Cindy McCain
#129. I rely on some words that actually my husband said to me. He jokes about saying, "You know it's only darkest before it's totally black!" Even in my darkest hour - and my darkest hour was probably when I lost both my parents - I look to him and I see what he has endured, what he has overcome, what he is doing with his life, and just how he's lived his life. #Quote by Cindy McCain
Jokes quotes by G.K. Chesterton
#130. My life is passed in making bad jokes and seeing them turn into true prophecies. #Quote by G.K. Chesterton
Jokes quotes by Marc Maron
#131. We're built to deal with death, disease, failure, struggle, heartbreak, problems. It's what separates us from the animals and why we envy and love animals so much. We're aware of it all and have to process it. The way we each handle being human is where all the good stories, jokes, art, wisdom, revelations, and bullshit come from. #Quote by Marc Maron
Jokes quotes by Anthony Marra
#132. When I visited Chechnya, I was taken aback at first because people would regularly make jokes about kidnapping me. #Quote by Anthony Marra
Jokes quotes by Paul Auster
#133. because he was a man who had suffered but because he was a man who had suffered and could still crack jokes. #Quote by Paul Auster
Jokes quotes by Bill Maher
#134. The public is gullible ... If [many satirists are] making the same joke, that's the danger. Then there's a solidifying effect and it becomes a truth. #Quote by Bill Maher
Jokes quotes by Nick Miller
#135. Some people are good at being in love. Some people are good at love. Two very different things, I think. Being in love is the romantic part - sex all the time, midday naps in the sheets, the jokes, the laughs, the fun, long conversations with no pauses, overwhelming separation anxiety ... Just the best sides of both people, you know? But love begins when the excitement of being in love starts to fade: the stress of life sets in, the butterflies disappear, the sex becomes a chore, the tears, the sadness, the arguments, the cattiness ... The worst parts of both people. But if you still want that person by your side through all of those things ... that's when you know - that's when you know you're good at love. #Quote by Nick Miller
Jokes quotes by Phillips Brooks
#136. There are passages of the Bible that are soiled forever by the touches of the hands of ministers who delight in the cheap jokes they have left behind them. #Quote by Phillips Brooks
Jokes quotes by Jordan Ellenberg
#137. This is a collaboration between a complex analyst, a dynamical system expert, and an arithmetical algebraic geometer. It sounds like a joke, a complex analyst, a dynamical system expert, and an arithmetical algebraic geometer walk into a bar ... #Quote by Jordan Ellenberg
Jokes quotes by Lorna Landvik
#138. I fear the democratization of plastic surgery, when it's so cheap that everyone - the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker - goes under the knife and winds up looking like these tightly pulled, slightly surprised-looking society and celebrity aliens from Planet Botox. . . . When I was young, I could have bottled up my self-loathing and filled a mile of train cars with it. Now that I'm old, I can't think of anyone I'd rather be than me. . . . That's what we need now: surgeons who can slice away the self-consciousness, the fear, the loneliness, and inject a little hope instead. A little love. Or a doctor who implants only high spirits, penchants for practical jokes, or the ability to cha-cha even to a dirge beat. #Quote by Lorna Landvik
Jokes quotes by Stephanie Georgopulos
#139. The inside jokes have already dissolved into unordered words with no punchline. The gifts have been reduced to objects whose saving grace is their monetary value, no meaning and all function. There are photographs, somewhere, but I'm not the person posed in them anymore and whoever that is sitting next to me, all dressed up in your costume and wearing your mask, well, that's not you either. #Quote by Stephanie Georgopulos
Jokes quotes by Laurence Sterne
#140. For every ten jokes - thou hast got an hundred enemies ... #Quote by Laurence Sterne
Jokes quotes by Abdul'Rauf Hashmi
#141. Everyone should be able to give a wink trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in elevating waves of shore !! #Quote by Abdul'Rauf Hashmi
Jokes quotes by Auliq Ice
#142. You need to understand that some comedy can have consequences. #Quote by Auliq Ice
Jokes quotes by Tabitha Suzuma
#143. I might appear confident and chatty, but I spend most of my time laughing at jokes I don't find funny, saying things I don't really mean - because at the end of the day that's what we're all trying to do: fit in, one way or another, desperately trying to pretend we're all the same. #Quote by Tabitha Suzuma
Jokes quotes by John Niven
#144. It's tough being a dictator, but I've always thought it must be tougher being a hanger-on to a dictator. The late nights spent listening to his crazed ranting, the weary rictus grin from smiling at bad jokes, the draining knowledge that one misjudged comment could land you on the chopping block. #Quote by John Niven
Jokes quotes by Heather Wolf
#145. Please leave my computer alone.. The only cookies I want to get are the ones I can eat. #Quote by Heather Wolf
Jokes quotes by Kristen Stewart
#146. You can make a movie that's more focused on the jokes, but Young Adult was not that kind of movie. #Quote by Kristen Stewart
Jokes quotes by Martin Amis
#147. Oh Christ, the exhaustion of not knowing anything. It's so tiring and hard on the nerves. It really takes it out of you, not knowing anything. You're given comedy and miss all the jokes. Every hour you get weaker. Sometimes, as I sit alone in my flat in London and stare at the window, I think how dismal it is, how heavy, to watch the rain and not know why it falls. #Quote by Martin Amis
Jokes quotes by Kanye West
#148. But for me to have the opportunity to stand in front of a bunch of executives and present myself, I had to hustle in my own way. I can't tell you how frustrating it was that they didn't get that. No joke - I'd leave meetings crying all the time. #Quote by Kanye West
Jokes quotes by Aziz Ansari
#149. After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it'll flop. And that's when I really take a hard look at myself and say: 'Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it's talking about.' #Quote by Aziz Ansari
Jokes quotes by Charles Soule
#150. I actually imagined 'Thunderbolts' as a straight-up comedy book in a lot of ways, like a very dark comedy book, whereas 'Red Lanterns' is more of a cosmic saga that has some jokes every once in a while. #Quote by Charles Soule
Jokes quotes by Dave Eggers
#151. But the grind has begun. The windows don't open, and even the availability of near-constant jokes about Jews and Mormons fails to stem the tide of frustration, decay. We've reached the end of pure inspiration, and are now somewhere else, something implying routine, or doing something because people expect us to do it, going somewhere each day because we went there the day before, saying things because we have said them before, and this seems like the work of a different sort of animal, contrary to our plan, and this is very very bad. #Quote by Dave Eggers
Jokes quotes by Kathleen Tessaro
#152. She had a smooth, low voice and a naughty, shocking sense of humour. Laughter followed in her wake; she collected admirers, both male and female, simply walking across the lobby. She had a certain knack for including everyone in her own private jokes, bending in conspiratorially to say something wickedly off-colour to one of the old stone-faced dowagers waiting for a cab. The next moment, they'd both be giggling uncontrollably #Quote by Kathleen Tessaro
Jokes quotes by Joshua Foer
#153. Evolution has programmed our brains to find two things particularly interesting, and therefore memorable: jokes and sex - and especially, it seems, jokes about sex. #Quote by Joshua Foer
Jokes quotes by Karl Pilkington
#154. It's not a joke: I really do like being at home. #Quote by Karl Pilkington
Jokes quotes by George Horace Lorimer
#155. There's nothing in the world sicker-looking than the grin of the man who's trying to join in heartily when the laugh's on him, and to pretend that he likes it. #Quote by George Horace Lorimer
Jokes quotes by Rachel Hawkins
#156. I was on the first one when I felt his fingers encircle my wrist. "Sophie, come on. I don't want to fight with you."
Turning, I opened my mouth to say I didn't want to fight with him either. But before I could, I saw the telltale flash out of the corner of my eye, and the next thing I knew, my arm was jerking out of his grasp. "If you don't want to fight with her, maybe you shouldn't suggest she team up with people who want to kill her," my voice snarled.
Archer backed up so fast he nearly stumbled, and I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him look so freaked out. But he recovered quickly. "Elodie, if I wanted to talk to you, I'd do a séance or something. Maybe go on an episode of Ghost Hunters. But right now, I want to talk to Sophie. So clear out."
Elodie had no intention of doing that. "You always were a crappy boyfriend," she said. "Once you left, I chalked that up to you, you know, not actually liking me. But unless I'm blind as well as dead, you really like Sophie. In fact, hard as it is for me to fathom, I think you love her."
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Screw that, she retorted. You two spend all your time making stupid jokes and being all witty. Someone has to get real.
"What's your point?" Archer asked, narrowing his eyes at me. Her. Whatever. God, this was getting confusing.
"Cal loves her, too, you know. And the last time I checked, he wasn't part of a cult of monster killers. I'm just saying that if you're going have loyalties that divid #Quote by Rachel Hawkins
Jokes quotes by Liam McCurry
#157. Several Terminal Policy readers got together to tell Raker jokes:
- Raker CAN piss into the wind.
- Raker donates a lot of blood to the Red Cross
just never his own.
- Superman wears Raker pajamas.
- When Raker jumps into the pool, he doesn't get wet
the pool gets Raker.
- Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Raker THREW her there!!
- Raker's daughter lost her virginity ... he got it back.
- Raker doesn't cheat death, he wins fair and square.
- Raker turns on a light at night ... not because he's afraid of the dark but because the dark is afraid of him.
- When the boogy man goes to bed he checks under his bed for Raker.
- Don't tread on Raker's cape! #Quote by Liam McCurry
Jokes quotes by Dave Attell
#158. I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes. #Quote by Dave Attell
Jokes quotes by Julie James
#159. Special Agent Pallas. Just the man I was looking for.' Cameron went to fold her arms across her chest, then seemed to realize - nope, no room there. 'What is this I hear about someone saying that my employees need to stay out of my way or risk an untimely death by paper clip?' Next to Jack, Agent Sam Wilkins looked up at the ceiling, speaking under his breath. 'I told you that would not go over well ... ' Jack held up his hands. 'It was a joke.' 'A joke.' Cameron's gaze went to Sam. 'Agent Wilkins. Was Agent Pallas scowling or smiling at the time of this alleged joke?' 'I plead the fifth.' 'A paralegal practically dove headfirst into a cubicle to get out of my way, Jack. So no more jokes. #Quote by Julie James
Jokes quotes by Daniel Tosh
#160. I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. #Quote by Daniel Tosh
Jokes quotes by Neil Young
#161. I don't drink anymore myself, I'm moving on. And that's not to say I won't drink again. I'm not making any promises, but I don't think I was a great drinker. Some folks are great drinkers; they drink and tell jokes and laugh their asses off, and they are funny as hell. We buried one of those last week. Life is just a big test, and if you try hard, you fail. If you don't try too hard and fail a little but have a good time, maybe that is success. #Quote by Neil Young
Jokes quotes by Fakeer Ishavardas
#162. I swear I've good morals. It's just that bad ones befriend me. I'm a friendly person, you know. But I will talk to them. Believe you me. #Quote by Fakeer Ishavardas
Jokes quotes by Judd Apatow
#163. A lot of the turning points happen in high school and in college, and it defines a lot of how you see the world and how you decide to defend yourself from the world. Some people - their defense mechanism is, I'm really smart or I'm sexy or I'm the leader. And other people - they hide or they make jokes. #Quote by Judd Apatow
Jokes quotes by Jon Ronson
#164. Soon after Justine Sacco's shaming, I was talking with a friend, a journalist, who told me he had so many jokes, little observations, potentially risqué thoughts, that he wouldn't dare to post online anymore.

'I suddenly feel with social media like I'm tiptoeing around an unpredictable, angry, unbalanced parent who might strike out at any moment,' he said. 'It's horrible.'

He didn't want me to name him, he said, in case it sparked something off.

We see ourselves as nonconformist, but I think all of this is creating a more conformist, conservative age.

'Look!' we're saying. 'WE'RE normal! THIS is the average!'

We are defining the boundaries of normality by tearing apart the people outside of it. #Quote by Jon Ronson
Jokes quotes by Ana Gasteyer
#165. Writers tend to hate recurring characters; there's this writer snob thing about it. But I don't have that. I feel like the challenge is always to find a cool and innovative way to do it and, obviously, to not repeat your jokes. #Quote by Ana Gasteyer
Jokes quotes by Olga Trujillo
#166. I was shocked and terrified to hear Dr. Summer say I had what was formerly known as multiple personality disorder. Is that like Sybil? Am I like the woman in The Three Faces of Eve? My head began to spin. What do I have inside of me? Is there a crazy person in there? What am I? I felt like a freak. I was afraid to have anyone know. I have a mental illness. People make fun of people like me. Upon hearing my diagnosis, I stopped thinking of myself as smart, creative, or clever. Even though Dr. Summer had worked hard to help me understand that I had developed an amazingly adaptive survival technique, I no longer thought of it that way at all.

I was overwhelmed by fear and shame. The words multiple personality disorder echoed in my mind. I thought of all the ways people with multiple personalities were ridiculed and marginalized: They're locked away in mental institutions. They are really sick. I'm not going to be the subject of people's jokes. I am a lawyer. I work at the U.S. Department of Justice. The more I thought about it, the deeper my despair grew. #Quote by Olga Trujillo
Jokes quotes by Ezra Taft Benson
#167. Mothers, take time to be a real friend to your children. Listen to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, cry with them, hug them, honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unused one-on-one time with each child. Be a real friend to your children. #Quote by Ezra Taft Benson
Jokes quotes by Vijay Singh
#168. I can honestly say that in my time in America, I have not encountered any racism. When Jim Thorpe and I make fun of each other on the range, or even when a white player makes a joke about my color, I take it as what it is-a joke-and give it back accordingly. #Quote by Vijay Singh
Jokes quotes by Rebecca Solnit
#169. A happy love is a single story, a disintegrating one is two or more competing, conflicting versions, and a disintegrated one lies at your feet like a shattered mirror, each shard reflecting a different story, that it was wonderful, that it was terrible, if only this had, if only that hadn't. The stories don't fit back together, and it's the end of stories, those devices we carry like shells and shields and blinkers and occasionally maps and compasses. The people close to you become mirrors and journals in which you record your history, the instruments that help you know yourself and remember yourself, and you do the same for them. When they vanish so does the use, the appreciation, the understanding of those small anecdotes, catchphrases, jokes: they become a book slammed shut or burnt. #Quote by Rebecca Solnit
Jokes quotes by Ashley Benson
#170. I don't want to be with someone boring because I'm always laughing. I like to play jokes on people and be sarcastic. #Quote by Ashley Benson
Jokes quotes by James Berardinelli
#171. Norbit operates on the principle that vulgarity is automatically funny. Crassness doesn't need a joke attached because it is (in and of itself) the height of hilarity. #Quote by James Berardinelli
Jokes quotes by Robin Thicke
#172. I never used to tell jokes on stage. Now I'm cutting up jokes all night long. #Quote by Robin Thicke
Jokes quotes by Andrea Lochen
#173. It was a lesson she was still learning. When she had first started nursing, she had taken every death personally, like she was losing her father all over again. Every patient lost under her care was a little piece of death she would carry around with her until the end of her own life. But the alternative seemed so unfeeling. Tina and the other nurses could crack jokes and banter back and forth about contestants on American Idol before the body of a deceased patient was even cold. It was a coping mechanism, she knew, but not necessarily one she thought she would ever adopt. There had to be something in between. Olive had been called a bleeding heart before, but her heart no longer had the same plasticity and tenderness - it was scarred and worn beyond repair #Quote by Andrea Lochen
Jokes quotes by F. Scott Fitzgerald
#174. Once upon a time all the men of mind and genius in the world became of one belief- that is to say, of no belief. But it wearied them to think that within a few years after their death many cults and systems and prognostications would be ascribed to them which they had never...intended. So they said to one another: "Let's join together and make a great book that will last forever that will mock the credulity of man...We'll include all the most preposterous old wives' tales now current. We'll choose the keenest satirist alive to compile a deity from all the deities worshipped by mankind, a deity who will be more magnificent than any of them, yet so weakly human that he'll become a byword for laughter the world over- and we'll ascribe to him all sorts of jokes and vanities and rages, in which he'll be supposed to indulge for his own diversion, so that the people will read our book and ponder it, and there'll be no more nonsense in the world. #Quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Jokes quotes by Peter Serafinowicz
#175. Twitter taught me how to become better at writing jokes because it forces you to chip away at all the extraneous words. #Quote by Peter Serafinowicz
Jokes quotes by David Ogilvy
#176. The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible. #Quote by David Ogilvy
Jokes quotes by Dana Carvey
#177. Describing comic sensibility is near impossible. It's sort of an abstract silliness, that sometimes the joke isn't the star. #Quote by Dana Carvey
Jokes quotes by Steven Wright
#178. I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. #Quote by Steven Wright
Jokes quotes by Jay Leno
#179. Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke. #Quote by Jay Leno
Jokes quotes by Kristen Callihan
#180. Gray texted me a joke the other day. Want to hear it?"
"Knowing Gray's terrible jokes, probably not. But okay."
He rubs the back of his neck. "What do you call a cow with no legs?"
I caress his waist where muscles ripple. "What?"
"Ground beef. #Quote by Kristen Callihan
Jokes quotes by Bob Marley
#181. Yeah, man. It's time to let de people get good herbs and smoke. Government's a joke. All dey wan' is ya smoke cigarettes and cigar. Some cigar wickeder den herb. Yeah, man, ya can't smoke cigar. Smoke herb. Some big cigar me see man wit', God bless! Me tell him must smoke herb. #Quote by Bob Marley
Jokes quotes by John Flanagan
#182. Ah, Signor Halt,' he said uncertainly, 'you are making a joke, yes?'
'He is making a joke, no,' Will said. 'But he likes to think he is making a joke, yes. #Quote by John Flanagan
Jokes quotes by John Edensor Littlewood
#183. A good mathematical joke is better, and better mathematics, than a dozen mediocre papers. #Quote by John Edensor Littlewood
Jokes quotes by Ryan North
#184. They are "sexcellent". That is a pun for you, you will find lots of puns on the internet! Also: blonde jokes. #Quote by Ryan North
Jokes quotes by Emma Caulfield
#185. I've never considered stand-up. Luckily I'm given great lines to say. I'm not sure how great my timing would be if I actually had to come up with my own jokes. #Quote by Emma Caulfield
Jokes quotes by John Steinbeck
#186. Casy said, "Ol' Tom's house can't be more'n a mile from here. Ain't she over that third rise?"

Sure," said Joad. "Less somebody stole it, like Pa stole it."

Your pa stole it?"

Sure, got it a mile an' a half east of here an' drug it. Was a family livin' there, an' they moved away. Grampa an' Pa an' my brother Noah like to took the whole house, but she wouldn't come. They only got part of her. That's why she looks so funny on one end. They cut her in two an' drug her over with twelve head of horses and two mules. They was goin' back for the other half an' stick her together again, but before they got there Wink Manley come with his boys and stole the other half. Pa an' Grampa was pretty sore, but a little later them an' Wink got drunk together an' laughed their heads off about it. Wink, he says his house is a stud, an' if we'll bring our'n over an' breed 'em we'll maybe get a litter of crap houses. Wink was a great ol' fella when he was drunk. After that him an' Pa an' Grampa was friends. Got drunk together ever' chance they got. #Quote by John Steinbeck
Jokes quotes by Soren Kierkegaard
#187. In a theater, it happened that a fire started offstage. The clown came out to tell the audience. They thought it was a joke and applauded. He told them again, and they became still more hilarious. This is the way, I suppose, that the world will be destroyed-amid the universal hilarity of wits and wags who think it is all a joke. #Quote by Soren Kierkegaard
Jokes quotes by Colm Toibin
#188. You know that you are the only person who shakes his head in exasperation when I insist on making jokes and small talk, when I refuse to be direct. No one else has ever minded this as you do. You are alone in wanting me always to say something that is true. I know now, as I walk towards the house I have rented here, that if I called and toldyou that the bitter past has come back to me tonight in these alien streets with a force that feels like violence, you would say that you are not surprised. You would wonder only why it has taken six years. #Quote by Colm Toibin
Jokes quotes by Helen Thomas
#189. Q: What do Jesus and Nicole Brown Simpson have in common? A: They were both killed by the Joooooooose. #Quote by Helen Thomas
Jokes quotes by Eric Jerome Dickey
#190. jokes are used to hide the truth! #Quote by Eric Jerome Dickey
Jokes quotes by Meghan Daum
#191. No matter where they are or who they're with, dogs are incapable of being anything but themselves. Show me a dog that puts on airs or laughs politely at an unfunny joke and I'll show you a human in a dog costume, possibly one owned and licensed by the Walt Disney Company. #Quote by Meghan Daum
Jokes quotes by Robin Wall Kimmerer
#192. Jim Thunder, at seventy-five the youngest of the speakers, is a round brown man of serious demeanor who spoke only in Potawatomi. He began solemnly, but as he warmed to his subject his voice lifted like a breeze in the birch trees and his hands began to tell the story. He became more and more animated, rising to his feet, holding us rapt and silent although almost no one understood a single word. He paused as if reaching the climax of his story and looked out at the audience with a twinkle of expectation. One of the grandmothers behind him covered her mouth in a giggle and his stern face suddenly broke into a smile as big and sweet as a cracked watermelon. He bent over laughing and the grandmas dabbed away tears of laughter, holding their sides, while the rest of us looked on in wonderment. When the laughter subsided, he spoke at last in English: "What will happen to a joke if no one will hear it any more? How lonely those words will be, when their is power gone. Where will they go? Off to join the stories that can never be told again. #Quote by Robin Wall Kimmerer
Jokes quotes by John Steinbeck
#193. Minds me of a story they tell about Willy Feeley when he was a young fella. Willy was bashful, awful bashful. Well, one day he takes a heifer over to Graves' bull. Ever'body was out but Elsie Graves, and Elsie wasn't bashful at all. Willy, he stood there turnin' red an' he couldn't even talk. Elsie says, 'I know what you come for; the bull's out in back a the barn.' Well, they took the heifer out there an' Willy an' Elsie sat on the fence to watch. Purty soon Willy got feelin' purty fly. Elsie looks over an' says, like she don't know, 'What's a matter, Willy?' Willy's so randy, he can't hardly set still. 'By God,' he says, 'by God, I wisht I was a-doin' that!' Elsie says, 'Why not, WIlly? It's your heifer. #Quote by John Steinbeck
Jokes quotes by David Wong
#194. One more victim sucked in by John. You get into the room with him and you just fall into a warm pool of beer and video games and penis jokes, staring at the universe with him and saying, Do you believe this shit? #Quote by David Wong
Jokes quotes by Kate Upton
#195. I was at a photo shoot, and I was wearing a cross necklace that my mom bought me, and somebody made a joke like, 'Why are you wearing a cross? Like you would be religious.' And then they took it away. I was really affected by that. The whole thing made me realize that I do want a cross with me at all times. #Quote by Kate Upton
Jokes quotes by Carol Leifer
#196. My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention. #Quote by Carol Leifer
Jokes quotes by Jim Gaffigan
#197. I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine. #Quote by Jim Gaffigan
Jokes quotes by Liza Palmer
#198. I have that old sinking feeling. I've been overly available, sickeningly sweet and forever enabling all in the name of being 'liked.' I've compromised myself. I've suffered fools, idiots and dullards. I've gone on far too many dates with men because I felt guilty that they liked me more than I liked them. I've fallen deeply and madly I'm love with men I've never met just because I thought they looked 'deep.' I've built whole futures with men I hardly knew; I've planned weddings and named invisible children based on a side glance. I've made chemistry where there was none. I've forced intimacy while building higher Walls. I've been alone in a two year relationship. I've faked more orgasms than I can count while being comfortable with no affection at all.
I realise I have to make a decision right here and now. Do I go back to the sliver of a person I was before or do I, despite whatever bullshit happened tonight, hold on to this... This authenticity? If I go back to the the way I was before tonight, I'll have to compromise myself, follow rules with men who have none, hold my tongue, be quiet and laugh at shitty jokes. I have to never be challenged, yet be called challenging when I have an opinion or, really, speak at all. I'll never be torched by someone and get goosebumps again. I'll never be outside of myself. I'll never let go. I'll never lose myself. I'll never know what real love is - both for someone else and for me. I'll look back on this life and wish I could do it #Quote by Liza Palmer
Jokes quotes by Julie Powell
#199. I felt like a Jane Austen heroine all of a sudden, confusedly looking on at all the people she loves, their myriad unpredictable couplings and uncouplings. There would be no marriages at the end of this Austen novel, though, no happy endings, no endings at all. Just jokes and friendships and romances and delicious declarations of independence. #Quote by Julie Powell
Jokes quotes by Sarah Rees Brennan
#200. Awkward situation. I think Ash is off to rock back and forth in a corner and seriously wonder how his life got to be this way. He's a sensitive plant."
Jared nodded. "Might be better than stalking out to a balcony to wrap yourself in a cloak of bitterness and self-hatred like metaphorical Batman, though."
"Or trying to make light of a situation with constant awkward jokes." Kami agreed. "Whatever. Emotional health is for losers. #Quote by Sarah Rees Brennan

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