Humour Quotes

#1. Were you proposing to shoot these people in cold blood, sergeant?"
"Nossir. Just a warning shot inna head, sir. #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#2. When asked what gift he wanted for his birthday, the yogi replied: "I wish no gifts, only presence. #Quote by Unknown

#3. What did I hope to gain from my game and from putting my parents through all this? The truth is that I loved to play. My body was fit and my mind raring to go. But I also hoped that I would get a government job through the sports quota. #Quote by M.C. Mary Kom

#4. PE! This word was comprised of two single letters, which would normally not cause anyone any trouble. They were two single letters that were usually associated with the further words of "health" and "extended life" and therefore, had a positive reputation. However, for me, the P and the E put together was the worst possible combination. Every time they were mentioned, I would sigh in displeasure, my heart rate would increase and I would feel lightheaded. After all, in my mind, PE = exercise and exercise = torture! #Quote by Adele Rose

#5. As a kid, I was school swot, but I used to hang around the billiard halls, learning that Geordie sense of humour, mixing with low-lifes. They were the sort who'd pick your pocket and then say 'Here you are lad, here's tuppence, get yourself some chips'. I was a good rugby player, a good runner, so I fitted in at Cambridge quite easily. #Quote by Sid Waddell

#6. Erm…I don't know maybe for kissing me and tasting so damn delicious, maybe for holding my hand in public, maybe for looking far too hot in that sexy, snug tee when you should just be looking like Jo's little brother.
The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I chose the much more sophisticated reaction of scowling, hard. I would have kicked him again, but I was convinced he'd moved his legs out of the way. Coward." ~ Ella, A Perfect Moment #Quote by Becca Lee

#7. Lord! when you sell a man a book you don't sell just twelve ounces of paper and ink and glue - you sell him a whole new life. Love and friendship and humour and ships at sea by night - there's all heaven and earth in a book, a real book. #Quote by Christopher Morley

#8. One of the things about football fans in general is that they all think that they're the same. But they are not. This is a myth put about by people who wish that they were the same as the geezers. There are, in fact, a number of distinctive types of supporter, and although they all have a role to play, they are all very different indeed. #Quote by Dougie Brimson

#9. And I'm stubborn, if you want absolute obedience, get a Labrador. #Quote by Suzanne Wright

#10. They'd be complaining about having to walk, and screeching at me to 'do something, Freddy, do something!'"
"But what could you do?" she said, puzzled.
"Carry them, probably." He gave her a hopeful look. "Do you want me to carry you? #Quote by Anne Gracie

#11. I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation. #Quote by H.G.Wells

#12. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. #Quote by Woody Allen

#13. For my last birthday, Dad bought me a pocket-sized Collins English Dictionary. It would only fit in a pocket that had been specially designed. #Quote by Joe Dunthorne

#14. Dear Lord, I think I broke something, like my liver. #Quote by Katie McGarry

#15. Try patting them on the back or shoulder and telling them everything is going to be fine. Lots of times when girls cry, they don't want you to fix the problem, they just want to be consoled. #Quote by Kiera Cass

#16. ... and to all you other cats and chicks out there, sweet or otherwise, buried deep in wordy tombs, who never yet have walked from off the page, a shake and a hug and a kiss and a drink. Cheers! #Quote by Gilbert Sorrentino

#17. Always. There is always time for jokes. As my father would say, humour is the spark that lights every dark. #Quote by Dianna Hardy

#18. All Dickens's humour couldn't save Dickens, save him from his overcrowded life, its sordid and neurotic central tragedy and its premature collapse. But Dickens's humour, and all such humour, has saved or at least greatly served the world. #Quote by Stephen Leacock

#19. Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside - remembering all the times you've felt that way. #Quote by Charles Bukowski

#20. A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people. #Quote by Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#21. I remembered the last time I put this thing into my eye it was more painful than watching old political speeches while listening to the "Macarena" and having a root canal performed by an angry, clumsy chimp. #Quote by John Zakour

#22. It is rare to find learned men who are clean, do not stink and have a sense of humour. #Quote by Baron De Montesquieu

#23. The coronavirus outbreak feels like an episode of The Twilight Zone. I went to see a doctor the other day, and they told me to wear a face mask. Then they said how much it would cost to see the doctor and I told them THEY were the ones who should be wearing masks! #Quote by Stewart Stafford

#24. Write - because you will explode if you don't, your brain will expand with words like a balloon filling with air ... #Quote by Sarah Colliver

#25. Finally, Cinder gulped. "I'm sorry I had to
" She gestured at the unconscious wedding coordinator, then waved her hand like shaking it off. "But she'll be fine, I swear. Maybe a little nauseous when she comes to, but otherwise ... And your android ... Nainsi, right? I had to disable her. And her backup processor. But any mechanic can return her to defaults in about six seconds, so ... " She rubbed anxiously at her wrist. "Oh, and we ran into your captain of the guard in the hallway, and a few other guards, and I may have scared him and he's, um, unconscious. Also. But, really, they'll all be fine. I swear." Her lips twitched into a brief, nervous smile. "Um ... hello, again. By the way. #Quote by Marissa Meyer

#26. As simple as that, Conrad had finally done it. For the first time in his life he had the right answer. It wasn't the best decision and certainly wasn't a logical one, but it was the right one. #Quote by Victoria Forester

#27. You can print a book, unfortunately you can't print the audience #Quote by Benny Bellamacina

#28. Are you aware, ma'am, that it is my intention to marry Lucilla myself?'
There was a slight pause. Miss Fairfax said rather carefully, 'I was aware of it, sir, but I have always been at a loss to know why. [...]'
'If you mean that I am not in love with her, no, certainly I am not!' responded the Earl stiffly. 'The match was the wish of both our fathers.'
'How elevating it is to encounter such filial piety in these days!' observed Miss Fairfax soulfully. #Quote by Georgette Heyer

#29. Better a live goat than a dead fool. #Quote by Vanessa Read

#30. For a moment it seemed as if he was going to lose his temper too. His strange, pale eyes all but glared at Sophie. But he controlled himself and said, Now trot along indoors, you overactive old thing, and find something else to play with before I get angry. I hate getting angry. #Quote by Diana Wynne Jones

#31. You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull. #Quote by MaryJanice Davidson

#32. Edward Seymour says, 'You should have been a bishop, Cromwell.'
'Edward,' he says, 'I should have been Pope. #Quote by Hilary Mantel

#33. You shouldn't pay attention to things that don't grab your attention. If you do, you're being a pretentious douchebag. #Quote by Paul Jarvis

#34. Perhaps we are yet to feel the full impact of the Y2K bug but so far it's been quiet. #Quote by Michael McGirr

#35. I'm the Doctor; I'm worse than everybody's aunt! #Quote by Matt Smith 11th Doctor

#36. The Deftmenes are mad and the Dumii are sane, thought Snibril, and that's just the same as being mad except that it's quieter. #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#37. Father has a fear of flying since that aeroplane crashed into his bedroom. #Quote by Jonathan Dunne

#38. They all turned to Lirah, waiting.
"We'll kill each other, Priestling," she said softly, but her eyes were bright.
"I'll win most arguments, but you'll get used to it," he said.
She came to him and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Thank you." She kissed De Lancey as well. "And thank you."
Gargarin took her hand. "And what about mine?" he asked. "I'm the brilliant architect. #Quote by Melina Marchetta

#39. For whatever reason, none of the women in this house cooked. He'd had to learn in order to survive. #Quote by Helen Hoang

#40. Do you think anyone found out about that?" B. J. Asks, sounding nervous.
"Found out about what?" I ask, trying to imagine why I would say that to my fake girlfriend. Maybe if she asked "Do you think anyone found out about that?" meaning, "Do you think anyone found out about us having sex in my parents' bed?" or something. I hope Courtney is smart enough to infer that that's what is probably going on. I wonder if it would be going too far to actually come out and say, "You mean about the doggie-style we had?"
"Found out about the pot we bought!" B. J. Says, sounding exasperated. He's been sounding exasperated with me a lot lately. #Quote by Lauren Barnholdt

#41. You know what the best thing is about the end of the day? Tomorrow, it starts all over again. #Quote by Douglas Coupland

#42. She wore a loose bathrobe that covered up a body that would have won first prize in a beauty contest for cement blocks ... She had a voice that made pearl harbour sound like a lullaby. #Quote by Richard Brautigan

#43. ...And of course they'll get their milk from us, because Gooch's milk in the village really can't be trusted. I do hope, Henry, the vicarage drains are all right if Martin is to go there, because the French are rather vague about drains.'

'Yes, but darling, they aren't bringing their drains with them'... #Quote by Angela Thirkell

#44. Ben, there are more important things going on," I answered.
"DESIGNATED DRIVER!"
"What?"
"You're my designated driver! Yes! You are so designated! I love that you answered! That's so awesome! I have to be home by six! And I designate you to get me there! YESSSSSSS!"
"Can't you just spend the night there?" I asked.
"NOOOO! Booooo. Booo on Quentin. Hey, everybody! Boooo Quentin!" And then I was booed. "Everybody's drunk. Ben drunk. Lacey drunk. Radar drunk. Nobody drive. Home by six. Promised Mom. Boo, Sleepy Quentin! Yay, Designated Driver! YESSSS! #Quote by John Green

#45. Was it my fault that I got out of hand?
--Loki #Quote by Joanne Harris

#46. Dickhead. He makes a beeline for Kate, not even seeing the other women who are right in front of him. Tunnel vision. He wants her bad.
Where have I seen the look on his face before? Oh, yeah. In the mirror. #Quote by Vi Keeland

#47. I thought he said you weren't drunk if you could find your arse with both hands."
He eyed me appraisingly. "I hate to tell ye, Sassenach, but it's not your arse ye've got hold of - it's mine."
"That's all right," I assured him. "We're married. Share and share alike. One flesh; the priest said so. #Quote by Diana Gabaldon

#48. When a man plans, a woman laughs. #Quote by David Wong

#49. Smile and the world will laugh at you. #Quote by Ljupka Cvetanova

#50. I've never been able to grow an organ back," Lana said. "Last time I tried ... Let's just hope you don't end up with whip eyes. #Quote by Michael Grant

#51. Mavis' bear sailed through the air in Cassie's room, falling onto the bed. 'What's he in aid of?' 'He's reconnaissance expert. He wouldn't hear of me enterin' potential hostile ground without testin' for fire. Has his sacrifice been in vain? #Quote by Christine M. Knight

#52. However like all little animals, it has to be nurtured and fed. It needs humour, interest, joy, love, compassion and a healthy bit of charity. It loves the unexpected and the unpredictable. It enjoys new challenges and experiences. Good wine makes it jump around a bit, good food makes it happy. Soft light make it dewy-eyed, happy memories light up its eyes. Good champagne is its preferred liquid. #Quote by Amos Van Der Merwe

#53. Riddle raised a dark brow. "A muggle reference?"

"My father is obsessed." [said Ron Weasley.]

"With muggles or their things?"

"Muggles. What they do and how they manage it and how they react to different obstacles. He thinks they're fascinating."

"Ah. Like a scientist might think an ant colony is very interesting to study."

"Yeah."

"Your father," said Riddle, "is far creepier than I. #Quote by PseudonymousEntity

#54. It was a trap. It was so obviously a trap.
Darquesse smiled. #Quote by Derek Landy

#55. On this day, if it were me, I'd don a mask for all to see. #Quote by Lee Bice-Matheson

#56. I love you Alys with everything that I am. I love your humour, your bolshiness, your independence, your laugh and your gorgeous face, but most of all I love you because you're the first person that I've ever met who I know my love is safe with. #Quote by Lily Morton

#57. Few, as I have said, are the humorists who can induce this state. To master and dissolve us, to give us the joy of being worn down and tired out with laughter, is a success to be won by no man save in virtue of a rare staying-power. Laughter becomes extreme only if it be consecutive. There must be no pauses for recovery. Touch-and-go humour, however happy, is not enough. The jester must be able to grapple his theme and hang on to it, twisting it this way and that, and making it yield magically all manner of strange and precious things. #Quote by Max Beerbohm

#58. Did you just seriously quote Grease? I think I'm gonna have to revoke your man card. #Quote by Elizabeth Sharp

#59. Oh, we were a degree or two hotter than improper. #Quote by Peter Carey

#60. The thinner the excuse, the fatter the reason for it. #Quote by Jerry Scott

#61. It's amazing the stupid things I say sometimes. I mean, you could start an entire branch of scientific research about the stuff I say that gets proved wrong while I'm still busy saying it. #Quote by Tad Williams

#62. Preserve me from such cordiality! It is like handling briar-roses and may-blossoms - bright enough to the eye, and outwardly soft to the touch, but you know there are thorns beneath, and every now and then you feel them too; and perhaps resent the injury by crushing them in till you have destroyed their power, though somewhat to the detriment of your own fingers. #Quote by Anne Bronte

#63. Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood. #Quote by Shelly Laurenston

#64. - "Surely you have considered terrorist activity?"
There was another pause. Then the spokesman said, in the quiet tones of someone who has had enough and who is going to quit after this and raise chickens somewhere, "Yes, I suppose we must. All we need to do is find some terrorists who are capable of taking an entire nuclear reactor out of its can while it's running and without anyone noticing. It weighs about a thousand tons and is forty feet high. So they'll be quite strong terrorists. Perhaps you'd like to ring them up, sir, and ask them questions in that supercilious, accusatory way of yours."
The BBC interviews a nuclear spokesperson (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens) #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#65. She told me later that her parents had told her to steer clear of me at school.
"My mum said that nobody really knew where you came from. And that you might be dangerous." "Why didn't you listen to her?" I asked.
"Because nobody knew where you came from, Simon! And you might be dangerous!"
"You have the worst survival instincts."
"Also, I felt sorry for you," she said. "You were holding your wand backwards. #Quote by Rainbow Rowell

#66. Talking of snakes, Mrs. Montgomery told me that once she nearly stood upon a krait - one of the most venomous snakes in India. She has been very ill at the time, suffering from acute facial neuralgia, 'so that I didn't care if I trod on fifty kraits. I was quite stupid with pain, and was going back in the evening to my bungalow, preceded by a servant who was carrying a lamp. Suddenly he stopped and said "Krait, Mem-sahib!" - but I was far too ill to notice what he was saying, and went straight on, and the krait was lying right in the middle of the path! The servant did a thing absolutely without precedent in India - he touched me! - he put hand on my shoulder and pulled me back. My shoe came off and I stopped. Of course if he hadn't done that I should have undoubtedly have been killed; but I didn't like it all the same same, and got rid of him soon after. #Quote by J.R. Ackerley

#67. I don't like you two going off on you won. Just remember: behave. If I hear about any funny business, I will ground you until the Styx freezes over. #Quote by Rick Riordan

#68. Casting my own eye down Fifth Avenue as my belly swelled, I would register with incredulity: Every one of these people came from a woman's cunt. #Quote by Lionel Shriver

#69. you and your secrets.'
'Secrets keep my hair lustrous,' said Severin, running his hand through his curls. #Quote by Roshani Chokshi

#70. It might have interested Newt to know that, of the thirty-nine thousand women tested with the pin during the centuries of witch-hunting, twenty-nine thousand said "ouch," nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine didn't feel anything because of the use of the aforesaid retractable pins, and one witch declared that it had miraculously cleared up the arthritis in her leg. #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#71. After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria. #Quote by Stephen Colbert

#72. Horses frighten me as much as chickens do,' he said.

'That is too bad, because lack of communication with horses has impeded human progress,' said Abrenuncio. 'If we ever broke down the barriers, we could produce the centaur. #Quote by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

#73. Luke diagnosed himself to be in love, and sought no cure for the disease. #Quote by Sarah Perry

#74. She had been to her Great-Aunt Willoughby's before, and she knew exactly what to expect. She would be asked about her lessons, and how many marks she had, and whether she had been a good girl. I can't think why grownup people don't see how impertinent these questions are. Suppose you were to answer:
"I'm the top of my class, auntie, thank you, and I am very good. And now let us have a little talk about you, aunt, dear. How much money have you got, and have you been scolding the servants again, or have you tried to be good and patient, as a properly brought up aunt should be, eh, dear?"
Try this method with one of your aunts next time she begins asking you questions, and write and tell me what she says. #Quote by E. Nesbit

#75. Of course she was bloody found dead." Moore grumbled. "Some bastard cut off her head and her limbs. If she'd been found alive I would have been more than bloody surprised. #Quote by Sarah Pinborough

#76. Dating someone exclusively for four months in New York is like four years in Anchorage. #Quote by Zack Love

#77. Memorable among the Saxon warriors were Hengist and his wife (? or horse), Horsa. Hengist made himself King in the South. Thus Hengist was the first English King and his wife (or horse), Horsa, the first English Queen (or horse). #Quote by W.C. Sellar

#78. Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling. #Quote by Darynda Jones

#79. It was the list of activities thing. Like the menu with price, only I'm not the restaurant; I'm the meal. #Quote by Damon Suede

#80. Humour has always been a self-defence mechanism for me. #Quote by Brooke Shields

#81. The Brit's face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It's a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that looks like a rat's been gnawing on it. His beard looks like a white sneeze. The teeth are jagged and out of alignment, having opened quarts at Jiffy Quick Lube for half a decade. #Quote by Brett Tate

#82. Your memory has always been given to opportunistic revision. #Quote by Dave Eggers

#83. Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up. #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#84. I've never played,' said von Igelfeld.
'Nor I,' said Unterholzer. 'Chess, yes. Tennis no.'
'But that's no reason not to play,' von Igelfeld added quickly. 'Tennis, like any activity, can be mastered if one knows the principles behind it. In that respect it must be like language. The understanding of simple rules produces an understanding of a language. What could be simpler? #Quote by Alexander McCall Smith

#85. My dad, Jack, had a great sense of humour and had a strong impact on me and my humour. #Quote by Billy Crystal

#86. If you're dealing with a pack of werewolves I'll jump in without hesitation, but I was not getting in the middle of a pack of crazed shoppers on Black Friday #Quote by James R Tuck

#87. Only dead fishes go with the flow.. I guess that make me a dead fish! #Quote by Shanai Campbell

#88. If Caribbean writers have one single unifying theme, it is a strong sense of place, and of home. There is also - always, beneath the humour, which is a West Indian characteristic - a sadness: an awareness of a past that can never really be forgotten, or forgiven. #Quote by Malcolm Bradbury

#89. It was time to take the best bits from them all and build something delicious: the spirituality of the Hindus, the community spirit and family ties of the Muslims, the ancient wisdom of the Chinese, the love of freedom and equality of the Afro-Caribbeans, the work ethic of the Jews, the bloody-mindedness and wry humour of the Australians, the blarney of the Irish, the passion of the Scots, the unorthodoxy of the Welsh, combined with our own English love of justice, fair play and democracy. Put them all together and you had a vision for the future, a direction, which Bokononism could exploit. #Quote by Bernard Hare

#90. The stupid snack tray did not have power steering. #Quote by Rick Riordan

#91. By pagans the Jews (and later Christians) were seen as perverse, almost indeed as atheists, for they denied the very existence of other gods. #Quote by Adrian Goldsworthy

#92. 1. You left a multipack of Mars Bars on top of your wardrobe. Can I have one? Dad x
2. I had three. Hope that's OK. Dad x
3. I'm just going to have one more. Dad x
4. Harriet, your Dad's made himself sick on an entire multipack of Mars Bars again. Please don't leave sweets where we can find them. A x #Quote by Holly Smale

#93. Are we making a bomb?"
"This is a trust exercise, like in drama," she says.
"Are we making a bomb as a trust exercise? #Quote by Joe Dunthorne

#94. Nothing great is ever accomplished by following standards. #Quote by Geoffroy Birtz

#95. But the sounds behind me tell me why. I risk a glance and see so many Zs on our asses that I wonder if they've been doing pilates all this time to get in shape for the great Whispering Pines mad-dash marathon. #Quote by Jake Bible

#96. The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end. #Quote by Heather Hill

#97. There's our excuse ... we'll blame everything on the round-headed kid! #Quote by Charles M. Schulz

#98. Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? #Quote by Bob Monkhouse

#99. She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven't done in years - barnyard sounds. #Quote by Simone Elkeles

#100. Good sex and good humour have one important thing in common: good timing #Quote by Alan Daniels

#101. Not every single way of saying the right thing is right. #Quote by Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#102. Only six need be attempted. #Quote by Bertrand Russell

#103. If he speaks again without me knowing who he is, I will throw him out of the window. And I won't open it first. #Quote by Dan Abnett

#104. Septimus: There is nothing more to be said about sexual congress.
Thomasina: Is it the same as love?
Septimus: Oh no, it is much nicer than that. #Quote by Tom Stoppard

#105. Gracious ignored him. "A farmer's daughter, she was, though back then every girl was a farmer's daughter. Or a farmer. She had long hair like rope, and a nose. All her eyes were blue and she had a smile like a radiant hole in the ground, with teeth. God, she was beautiful."
"She sounds terrifying," said Donegan.
"Hush, you. I will hear no bad word spoken of your sister. #Quote by Derek Landy

#106. What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning! #Quote by Cory Doctorow

#107. They all agreed, that I could not be produced according to the regular laws of nature; because I was not framed with a capacity of preserving my life, either by swiftness, or climbing of trees, or digging holes in the earth. #Quote by Jonathan Swift

#108. In real life, Snow White stays dead and Rapunzel grows old, alone in her tower. In real life, you gotta have enough sense to stay away from ugly bitches offering you shiny apples and have enough balls to cut off your own hair and use it as a ladder if needs be. In real life, you gotta save yourself and the only happy endings are the ones paid for in massage parlors. #Quote by Amy Sumida

#109. Well, that explains why we jumped into bed with each other so quickly. We were both hornier than a bucket of desert toads. #Quote by Olivia Cunning

#110. I love making observations. That one is a classic example. #Quote by Stephen Colbert

#111. You're giving up the hunt for de Taillebourg?' Thomas asked. He had learned the priest's name from Robbie. 'No.' Robbie still had his head back as he stared at the magnificence of the transept's ceiling. 'I'll find him and then I'll gralloch the bastard.' Thomas did not know what gralloch meant, but decided the word was bad news for de Taillebourg. #Quote by Bernard Cornwell

#112. In 2002, after the huge success of Who Moved my Cheese? a management manual that sold 1.6million copies in China, there was a rush of books inspired by it.

Titles included Whose Cheese Should I Move?; Can I Move Your Cheese?; Who Dares to Move my Cheese?; I Don't Bother to Move Your Cheese; Agitating, Alluring Cheese; No One Can Move My Cheese! The New Allegory of Cheese; Make the Cheese by Yourself!; A Piece of Cheese: Reading World Famous Fairy Tales; Management Advice 52 from the Cheese; and No More Cheese!

Finally, there was my personal favorite: Chinese People Eat Cheese? - Who Took My Meat Bun? #Quote by Rachel DeWoskin

#113. Mother, just like the last fifty-five thousand times you've mentioned it, I have no intention of getting married and having a family. You're just going to have to content yourself with the grandchildren you already have. ...
...
His mother narrowed her eyes at him. He could see her mind working on how to get him to come around. She was never going to give up, and she would be fit and healthy enough to badger him about it for years and years.
...
Lance had heard humans talk about the tenacity of Jewish mothers. He didn't know any, but he'd be surprised if they could hold a candle to the relentless herding instinct of a quickened mother who was descended on both sides from border collies. #Quote by Eli Easton

#114. Or that time she made a snowman in Britt-Marie and Kent's garden right under their balcony and dressed it up in grown-up clothes so it looked as if a person had fallen from the roof. #Quote by Fredrik Backman

#115. Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories. #Quote by Stephen Colbert

#116. When you're conscious of what you're permitting to germinate inside you, the weeds in your life will wither away of their own accord. #Quote by Lawrence Shorter

#117. I'm Lily Ivory, and this is my friend Sailor."
"You sail?"
"No. It's my name, not my avocation. #Quote by Juliet Blackwell

#118. I'm going to see if Morris has a spare spine lying around you can borrow if you're scared to speak to that high-heeled, smug-ass bitch, Peabody. #Quote by J.D. Robb

#119. I love you.'
'Yeah, well ... '
'You make my heart want to beat.'
'That's nice and creepy. But I'm with Fletcher.( ... ) Also, these proclamations of your undying love for me are getting kind of ... it's a bit much to be honest. Just hold back a little.'
'But my love for you is eternal.'
'That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. #Quote by Derek Landy

#120. So this was all you got:the zooty sideburns and masturbator's pallor of an old Ted in a black suit and the secular obsequies. #Quote by Martin Amis

#121. If my husband is working for Rose, he should not come to Mary for salary at the end of the month. #Quote by Godwin Inyang

#122. You could say that when you introduce humour to your work, you also step back a little from it. You create a distance. #Quote by Lars Von Trier

#123. Public schoolboys are not merely conservatives, they are by nature totalitarian reactionaries. #Quote by David Benedictus

#124. People talk about the joy of running--of the endorphins and reaching a Zen-like clarity of mind. This had never happened to me. Mostly, all I thought about when I ran was how much further I had to go before I could stop. #Quote by Laura Morrigan

#125. Nanny Ogg was an attractive lady, which is not the same as being beautiful. She fascinated Casanunda. She was an incredibly comfortable person to be around, partly because she had a mind so broad it could accommodate three football fields and a bowling alley. #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#126. Carol, I thought you didn't liked playing with the minds of normal people."
"Yes, but the press don't count as normal."
"She's got you there," HARV added. #Quote by John Zakour

#127. People assume that artists must talk about art and beauty and the sublime whenever we get together, but no, we usually talk about money. #Quote by Christopher Bram

#128. Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail ... #Quote by Sophie Kinsella

#129. I've always been able to vomit as silently as a ninja; it's a questionable talent and a poor party trick. #Quote by Jason Purdy

#130. Formerly these harsh cells in which the discipline of the prison leaves the condemned to himself were composed of four stone walls, a ceiling of stone, a pavement of tiles, a camp bed, a grated air-hole, a double iron door, and were called "dungeons" ; but the dungeon has been thought too horrible; now it is composed ofan iron door, a grated air-hole, a camp bed, a pavement of tiles, a ceiling of stone, four stone walls, and it is called "punishment cell. #Quote by Victor Hugo

#131. Sam, Sam, quite contrary,
bought a budgie,
wanted a canary.
Sam, Sam, quite contrary,
kissed Suzannah,
meant to kiss Marry.
Sam, Sam, quite contrary,
dressed as a pirate,
playing a fairy.
Sam Sam quite contrary,
ate dark chocolate,
says he likes diary.
Sam, Sam, quite contarary,
shaved his head,
to make it hairy. #Quote by Chrissie Gittins

#132. I must have read every issue of 'Punch' published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour - that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like 'Three Men in a Boat.' #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#133. If they projected the fact that they are dangerous any harder, there would be little puddles of "danger" on the floor around them. Look, it's "danger", don't step in it! #Quote by Mercedes Lackey

#134. I think I have got a very good sense of humour; other people don't, but I do. I also laugh at my own jokes. #Quote by Jennifer Johnston

#135. Dear Skeezie, Today I ran after a boy as he was trying to get away. I tackled him and we both landed in the mud. Do you think I appeared desperate?-Joe Bunch #Quote by James Howe

#136. I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here? #Quote by Ryan Lilly

#137. The great nations have always acted like gangsters, and the small nations like prostitutes. #Quote by Stanley Kubrick

#138. Only fools and liars claim to know everything because the fool thinks all that he knows is everything and the liar knows there is no sufficient data to know everything #Quote by Nyona Matende

#139. Humour is ... the all-consoling and ... the all-excusing, grace of life. #Quote by C.S. Lewis

#140. May 29, the Central Committee of the Sections goes into "permanent session" - what a fine, crisis-ridden sound it has, that term! #Quote by Hilary Mantel

#141. The man in 4B wondered if he could have your autograph. He told me his daughter is a huge fan.
Fan? What the hell? Dylan lifted himself up and looked over the back of his seat. Since when did covert operators have fans? #Quote by Tara Janzen

#142. I can recall quite clearly the journey from Omaha to San Francisco which I made with the opera troupe; God had created the world in less time than it took us to travel across America. #Quote by Peter Ackroyd

#143. In fact, some people use humour so habitually that it is hard for them to remain serious for any length of time. #Quote by Margaret Hough

#144. Her hair was matted to her head, glistening dark red, like wine through a murky bottle. Her torn shirt hung loose, a breast carelessly exposed, and her breeches were taut against the lean muscles of her legs. She treaded through the waves, never swaying in the current, until she stood before him, face concealed in shadow. "You swim faster with one arm than I with two," she said.
Nathan laughed. "You frightened me. #Quote by Matt Tomerlin

#145. The holy stone looked for all the world like a small iron pineapple, its surface divided into squares by deep grooves, a tarnished silver-steel handle or lever held tight to the side. In ancient times the pineapple was ever the symbol of welcome, though the church used the objects in a different way. Apparently, each theological student of good family and destined for high office was given one on beginning their training and forbidden from pulling the lever on pain of excommunication. A test of obedience they called it. A test of curiosity I called it. Clearly the church wanted bishops who lacked the imagination for exploration and questioning. #Quote by Mark Lawrence

#146. The subject of money was not mentioned again at the time, but when Miss Todd began going to Mrs Morland as secretary, she insisted on having an account from Dr Ford, much to his annoyance. He persuaded, he blustered, he was almost pathetic, but Miss Todd stood firm. All he could do was talk to her in her front garden instead of in her drawing-romm, and put her fees, which she luckily paid in cash, into his safe, in an envelope marked Property of Miss Anne Todd left with me for safe keeping. #Quote by Angela Thirkell

#147. Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy? #Quote by Hannah Harrington

#148. I've always felt that love is like Belgian chocolate, you know, the ones with brandy filling. You always say you're going to take one more bite, one more chocolate, and then, the whole box is gone. Perhaps the morning after, you might even get indigestion or a headache, and still, that evening, you might stop by the supermarket and buy another box because you simply can't get enough. #Quote by Scarlet Hyacinth

#149. He wanted to start from the top while he knew nothing of the beginning and that was why he was always swimming at the bottom. He liked to think he was an entrepreneur and was even on Dragon's Den with the silliest invention ever: a machine to scratch his back. Why don't you just reach out, you lazy twit? #Quote by Luella Christie

#150. I dream of books! #Quote by Lailah Gifty Akita

#151. If you'll just sit and pet your cat - or somebody's cat - find a cat, for God's sake! Find a cat! Or anything furry - and let it train you into a frequency that will cause you to allow enlightenment. #Quote by Abraham Hicks

#152. It's difficult to say what attracts one person to another. It's always a combination, isn't it? I've always found people interesting because of the way they think, and a sense of humour is irresistible. #Quote by Felicity Kendal

#153. And he had been very badly treated by a girl too. He had thought her a really civilised and adult personality, and then she had unexpectedly revealed that she was a mass of bourgeois prejudices and monogamic instincts. #Quote by C.S. Lewis

#154. Can you tell me the difference between a witch and a wizard?
Sure, a wizard is what they call you when they want to hire you, and a witch is what they call you when they're getting ready to run you out of town. #Quote by Barbara Hambly

#155. Network administrators all share an abiding and passionate desire for one thing: We want our users to shut up. #Quote by Michael W. Lucas

#156. Nothing is more curious than the almost savage hostility that Humour excites in those who lack it. #Quote by George Saintsbury

#157. It's rude to discuss your wife with your girlfriend #Quote by Robyn Carr

#158. Dave grimaced. 'Cheesecake for breakfast?'
'What's the problem? It's dairy and cereal. It's practically a bowl of cornflakes. #Quote by Dave Turner

#159. If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white. #Quote by Waheed Ibne Musa

#160. Ivanov: Gentlemen, you've again set up a drinking shop in my study ... I have asked each and every one of you a
thousand times not to do that ...
Look now, you've spilt vodka on a paper ... and there are crumbs ... and gherkins ...
It's disgusting! #Quote by Anton Chekhov

#161. He often came back 'all thinky' from work. #Quote by Sara Sheridan

#162. That's your solution? Have a cookie? #Quote by Michael Grant

#163. The Brigands charged in with their weapons drawn.
"Who are you?" Young Bertie asked.
"We're the bad guys!" their leader announced.
"What are you going to do?"
"Plunder and pillage!" one of them yelled.
The others immediately shoved him. "Not in front of the kid, Ralph! Fer cryin' out loud ... "
"Oh, yeah. Sorry! We're here to take your candy! #Quote by Lisa Mantchev

#164. I wish the English still possessed a shred of the old sense of humour which Puritanism, and dyspepsia, and newspaper reading, and tea-drinking have nearly extinguished. #Quote by Norman Douglas

#165. I fell in love with football as I was later to fall in love with women: suddenly, inexplicably, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain or disruption it would bring with it. #Quote by Nick Hornby

#166. Raphael continued to stare at me, in no hurry to get started. "You know the best way to get rid of a demon, right?" He asked with a serious face. I caught Ivy rolling her eyes as I shook my head.
"Exorcise alot!"
Ivy caught my expression of dismay. "It's okay, Beth. He's famous for his bad jokes. We're still waiting for him to grow up."
"And like Peter Pan, I hope to avoid that at all costs. #Quote by Alexandra Adornetto

#167. If you're listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.
I'd like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun - I'm afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened. #Quote by Rick Riordan

#168. Sometimes God dillies and dallies,' Steve said, 'and sometimes he just points at you and tells you to hang up your jock. #Quote by Stephen King

#169. Someone has to do it. It's all very well calling for eye of newt, but do you mean Common, Spotted or Great Crested? Which eye, anyway? Will tapioca do just as well? If we substitute egg white will the spell a) work b) fail or c) melt the bottom out of the cauldron? Goodie Whemper's curiosity about such things was huge and insatiable*.
* Nearly insatiable. It was probably satiated in her last flight to test whether a broomstick could survive having its bristles pulled out one by one in mid-air. According to the small black raven she had trained as a flight recorder, the answer was almost certainly no. #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#170. I love you all, even those I don't
particularly like. That's you, Beryl. #Quote by Derek Landy

#171. Her supposition that I was melancholy because I was alone put me out of humour. I'm used to travelling alone. I live, like every real man, in my work. On the contrary, that's the way I like it and I think myself lucky to live alone, in my view this is the only possible condition for men, I enjoy waking up and not having to say a word. Where is the woman who can understand that? #Quote by Max Frisch

#172. What is the meaning of life?" asked man.
"Seek and ye shall find," said God. "That was my method."
The man replied, "How might I do that?"
"Take a setting," instructed God. "Add some dirt and water, mold it into something likeable. Let there be light to break up the darkness. Plant some trees and fruit. Don't forget to put in a few animals. Then create a few wild things that are as curious in thought as you, and let them figure the damned thing out. #Quote by J. Edward Vance

#173. Other married people have lived together and hated each other. Why shouldn't we? We may forget even to hate. #Quote by E. Phillips Oppenheim

#174. Who's got a mirror?" I ask.
Spider shrugs at me. "We're all fellas. Why would any of us have mirrors?"
"I've got a mirror!" Brandon declares happily, digging a compact out of his pocket.
No-one is surprised. #Quote by Melanie Tushmore

#175. I catch sight of Janice. Her eyes are so full of excitement that I half expect her to jump up and down. This is something she'll never forget, I tell myself. As an old lady with all the spirit knocked out of her and nobody believe in she'll remember a happy day in July when a horny young guy strutted his stuff and made her heart beat fast. #Quote by Eric Bishop-Potter

#176. Sam's hand brushed her shoulder, and she almost jumped out of her skin as he brought his mouth close to her ear and murmured, "You look beautiful. Though I bet you already know that." She most certainly did. #Quote by Sarah J. Maas

#177. A lot of people view science as dull or boring, and I think the stance we take, using humour, not taking ourselves too seriously ... I think people enjoy that. I think it's quite refreshing. #Quote by Elise Andrew

#178. The object of Sufi preparatory study, however, being to illustrate, expose and out-manoeuvre superficial ambition. #Quote by Idries Shah

#179. A good sense of humour combined with
self-distance always make the world a better place. And my hundred-year-old, Allan Karlsson, would probably add a bottle of vodka to complete the picture. #Quote by Jonas Jonasson

#180. What did he do to you?"
"This," I said, holding up my hand. There was a shattering noise as Renee dropped her plate.
"It's on her right hand," Darah pointed out.
"Oh," Renee said, leaning down to get the plate. "So I broke a plate for nothing. #Quote by Chelsea M. Cameron

#181. You can't conceive the perverse ingenuity he could put into hiding his affections. #Quote by May Sinclair

#182. We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong! #Quote by Spike Milligan

#183. Never ever make a joke to the police, they have no sense of humour. Never make a political joke, it will always be considered an insult. Always remember that umbrage can be taken by the lift of an eyebrow. Remember that if offence can possibly be taken, it will be. #Quote by Dick Francis

#184. CLUN (n.) A leg which has gone to sleep and has to be hauled around after you. #Quote by Douglas Adams

#185. Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted. #Quote by Aravind Adiga

#186. What the fuck is going on Lor? What the hell did you do last night? What did you say to Kacey? Who the hell is Blue Eyes and why is my car spray-painted with the word 'asshole'?"

Spray-paint? Oh dear God, what have I done? #Quote by Joanne McClean

#187. I'm sorry I'm so pathetic," he thought, and then realized he had also said it.
Beth laughed, so lightly and so kindly that Denis felt it in his chest, not his stomach.
Can I tell you a secret?"
Yes, tell me all your secrets Denis kept to himself.
Beth leaned in, whispered: "All boys are pathetic. #Quote by Larry Doyle

#188. But the health clubs are a little too strict.
What's with the high level of security? The picture IDs, the security guards, the people signing in and out... What is this, NORAD? I mean the people that have a membership go twice a year, who's breaking in? And what if they catch the person, what then? They run. That's aerobic, makes it even worse. #Quote by Jerry Seinfeld

#189. Get out. Get out NOW! #Quote by J. David Cox

#190. A dog has got human eyes. #Quote by Karl Pilkington

#191. Absurd laughter is a kind of protest against an absurd existence. #Quote by Meng Wang

#192. Lincoln would be just like me. He wouldn't know what the hell to do. #Quote by George W. Norris

#193. What's your favourite position?"
"I usually play winger."
"Zach, I adore you, but you can't make soccer jokes during phone sex. It just isn't done. #Quote by Tiffany Reisz

#194. I think people don't think I work, because I wear stilettos and look damn fine. But that's discrimination against stilettos and against looking damn fine! And I object to this form of discrimination! #Quote by C. JoyBell C.

#195. With his eyes and those hands there won't be a woman safe in all the world when he starts hunting after the ladies.'
'Courting, dear,' my father corrected gently.
'Semantics,' she shrugged. #Quote by Patrick Rothfuss

#196. Divorce is what husband and wife do together when they no longer wish to do anything together. #Quote by John Spencer Yantiss

#197. Humor is next to Godliness. #Quote by Sinclair Lewis

#198. The man had a smooth voice, like velvet. "I'm Detective Inspector Me. Unusual name, I know. My family were incredibly
narcissistic. I'm lucky I escaped with any degree of humility at all, to be honest, but then I've always managed to exceed expectations. You are Kenny Dunne, are you not?"
"I am."
"Just a few questions for you, Mr Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we've become friends these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?"
"Sure," Kenny said, slightly baffled.
"Thank you. Thank you very much. It's important you feel comfortable around me, Kenny. It's important we build up a level of trust. That way I'll catch you completely unprepared when I
suddenly accuse you of murder. #Quote by Derek Landy

#199. A few years ago it dawned on me that everybody past a certain age ... pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives. They don't want to be who they are any more. They want out. This list includes Thurston Howell the Third, Ann-Margret, the cat members of Rent, Václav Havel, space shuttle astronauts and Snuffleupagus. It's universal. #Quote by Douglas Coupland

#200. At the other end of the spectrum, George Gideon Oliver King Rameses Osborne, the fourteen-year-old novelty Chancellor and future baronet of Ballentaylor and Ballylemon - a man so posh he probably weeps champagne. #Quote by Charlie Brooker