Humorous Triathlon Quotes

#1. You'll let me put a total stranger's piss hose in my mouth while my knees scream in agony on the hard floor? Right here in from of everyone? Gosh, such a hard thing to pass up. But you know, I'd rather eat Ebola pudding than let your sad little dick near me." She wiggled her fingers as she slipped past him. "Toodles" Oh, he needed to tap that. #Quote by Larissa Ione

#2. When it's all said and done remember, You are only as old as you look. #Quote by Mark W. Boyer

#3. And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside. #Quote by Robert J. Morrissette

#4. A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour. #Quote by P.G. Wodehouse

#5. Empirically, things are poignant, tragic, beautiful, humorous, settled, disturbed, comfortable, annoying, barren, harsh, consoling, splendid, fearful; are such immediately and in their own right and behalf.... These traits stand in themselves on precisely the same level as colours, sounds, qualities of contact, taste and smell. Any criterion that finds the latter to be ultimate and "hard" data will, impartially applied, come to the same conclusion about the former. -Any- quality as such is final; it is at once initial and terminal; just what it is as it exists. it may be referred to other things, it may be treated as an effect or a sign. But this involves an extraneous extension and use. It takes us beyond quality in its immediate qualitativeness....

The surrender of immediate qualities, sensory and significant, as objects of science, and as proper forms of classification and understanding, left in reality these immediate qualities just as they were; since they are -had- there is no need to -know- them. But... the traditional view that the object of knowledge is reality par excellence led to the conclusion that the object of science was preeminently metaphysically real. Hence, immediate qualities, being extended from the object of science, were left thereby hanging loose from the "real" object. Since their -existence- could not be denied, they were gathered together into a psychic realm of being, set over against the object of physics. Given this premise, all the #Quote by John Dewey

#6. McG: 11:39 PM: Tease. A: Bushy prehistoric looking veggies frighten me.
Lilliana: 11:41 PM: WTH are we talking about here?
McG: 11:42 PM: Fucking auto correct. VAGINAS! Bushy vaginas put the fear of God in me. Seriously, Lilly, if you've got one, groom that shit unless you want to see a grown alpha male curl into the fetal position and cry. It won't be pretty. Just sayin #Quote by Ella Dominguez

#7. Every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment). #Quote by G.M. Malliet

#8. A rainy day is a good day to be in bed with a good book - or with someone who has read one."
T.K. Lukas #Quote by T.K. Lukas

#9. The wand picks you, you don't pick the wand. #Quote by J.K. Rowling

#10. Mama said there would be days like this.She never said it would be day after day,after day!~ Unknown #Quote by Candace Mumford

#11. I sneak quietly up the stairs and toward my door. It's not very late, but I don't want to arouse Cyclops Eye next door. I've stopped looking as I walk past, but it's difficult not to notice her window open just a few inches and her sitting right next to it, ready at a moment's notice to give me her big one-eyed look. Maybe I should get her a monocle for Christmas, so she can make more of a statement. #Quote by J.C. Patrick

#12. Wisdom of the Ages: Another Bush in the White House-Yep they keep forgetting to grab the TV and silverware. #Quote by Matthew D. Heines

#13. Still his philanthropy was of that gunpowderous sort that the difference between it and animosity was hard to determine. #Quote by Charles Dickens

#14. Well done girl, I . . I admire your treachery.' Ecruba hissed at Edith. #Quote by Anna Moore

#15. The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for "Joey Bananas") #Quote by Dave Barry

#16. I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? #Quote by Paul Merton

#17. I'm not helping any of you freaks!" she shouts. "I'm not the Witch of Wayland, you hear me? I'm sick of all you mutants pounding on my door for love spells and all the like! I told you, I don't do that backwoods modern-day, wannabe Wiccafuck stuff! You hear me? #Quote by J.A. Redmerski

#18. Sweetie, you don't need to drive me to the brink of insanity ... I'm close enough to walk! #Quote by Tanya Masse

#19. Reinforce what you want to see repeated.What gets rewarded gets done. #Quote by Brian Tracy

#20. I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the curriculum in Trend College - "I just hate to talk to a machine!" They say this as though it is a major philosophical position, as opposed to a description of a minor neurosis. My feeling is, if you have a problem like this, you shouldn't go around trumpeting it; you should stay home and practice talking to a machine you can feel comfortable with, such as your Water Pik, until you are ready to assume your place in modern society. #Quote by Dave Barry

#21. And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. "Like, what, the DOM-matrix?" ~Tara Reese #Quote by Lucian Bane

#22. My second meeting with Vincent Starrett began on a cool Sunday afternoon in May of 1962. After a short interlude, he returned from the kitchen precariously balancing a large cup of tea on a very small saucer. It was the largest tea cup I had ever seen, large enough to startle, I am inclined to suspect, even the Mad Hatter in 'Alice in Wonderland. #Quote by Peter Ruber

#23. As to sleep, you know, I never sleep now. I might be a Watchman, except that I don't get any pay, and he's got nothing on his mind. #Quote by Charles Dickens

#24. People stubbornly lived their lives as they wanted, without regard to me, to an amazing degree. #Quote by Charlaine Harris

#25. What's the fuckin' difference between leggings and tights? #Quote by Rene Webb

#26. Warner Studios official in the era of silent movies: Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? #Quote by H.W. Brands

#27. Hey!" Mena exclaimed "Don't knock Jeopardy. I love that show"
"So do I" Max admitted.
"I like it when I know the answers." Logan added.
Trent turned to Logan, "Dude, if you hate the show, all you had to do was say so. #Quote by Amanda Kelly

#28. There is one catagory of advertising which is totally uncontrolled and flagrantly dishonest: the television commercials for candidates in Presidential elections. #Quote by David Ogilvy

#29. I am thrilled to be working with Alex Sanchez as the artist on 'Katana.' His work is wildly eclectic, exciting and powerful, yet slyly humorous, which is a perfect match for Katana. #Quote by Ann Nocenti

#30. Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired. #Quote by Mae West

#31. I love sharing my stories and experiences with people and connecting to them on both a humorous and emotional level. #Quote by Tori Spelling

#32. One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is a horrible invention. What's the plan? You want to create a toilet seat so comfortable that you can fall asleep while you're taking a shit? You're going to show up late for work or end up like Elvis. #Quote by Adam Carolla

#33. In a way it was worth it, she thought, except that it was such a total waste. #Quote by Diana Wynne Jones

#34. I want you back here now. I want you next to me now. I cannot believe that my family, your brother, all our friends, and an entire police force can't keep tabs on one twenty-six year old graphic designer who thinks he's fuckin' Batman.
Detective Sam Kage in A Matter Of Time (vol 2 or part 4) #Quote by Mary Calmes

#35. Are you in any pain? (Ariana Skyee)
Only my heart. (Cal Remus) #Quote by Siobhan Davis

#36. My dad was a fairy," said Zach. "And by that I don't mean he dressed well and enjoyed musical theatre. #Quote by Ben Aaronovitch

#37. Many young athletes joined the gangs instead of aspiring to gold medals in the Olympics. You could easily discern the kind of sport they did by their body shape and injuries.
Well-built with a broken nose - a boxer.
Broad shoulders with torn ears - a wrestler.
Enormous muscles with little to no brain - a bodybuilder.
Short with broad shoulders and a quadratic head - a weightlifter. #Quote by Carlito Sofer, Nik Krasno

#38. If you wish to compare, compare yourself with God's commandment. #Quote by Lailah Gifty Akita

#39. Judges don't age; time decorates them. #Quote by Enid Bagnold

#40. I glance down, and my eyes get big.
"What?" He glances down, realizes why my eyes are big, and shrugs his shoulders. "It's morning."
"It's cute. Can I keep it? #Quote by Jillian Dodd

#41. Much as he detested Filch, Harry couldn't help feeling a bit sorry for him, though not nearly as sorry as he felt for himself. #Quote by J.K. Rowling

#42. Just because you're allowed to use magic now you don't have to whip your wands out for every tiny little thing! #Quote by J.K. Rowling

#43. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! #Quote by Billy Connolly

#44. Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with. #Quote by P. J. O'Rourke