Humorous Quotes

#1. Communist until you get rich. Feminist until you get married. Atheist until the airplane starts falling. #Quote by Juanda Brahma Metta

#2. The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence. #Quote by Woody Allen

#3. It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. #Quote by Voltaire

#4. What some people need," said Magrat, to the world in general, "is a bit more heart."

"What some people need," said Granny Weatherwax, to the stormy sky, "is a lot more brain."

Then she clutched at her hat to stop the wind from blowing it off.

What I need, thought Nanny Ogg fervently, is a drink. #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#5. I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer to walk around in than it is now, and better lit. #Quote by P. J. O'Rourke

#6. Truth: last week I online shopped too much. Then I ate 2 pounds of jelly beans to feel better about that. In fact, while I was trying to read soul-nourishing things all I could think about was shopping and jellybeans. Points to the monkey mind. #Quote by Anna White

#7. People on the Continent either tell you the truth or lie; in England they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream of telling you the truth. #Quote by George Mikes

#8. A fine horse or a beautiful woman, I cannot look at them unmoved, even now when seventy winters have chilled my blood. #Quote by Arthur Conan Doyle

#9. People ask why are you so strange and I always reply why are you so normal ... #Quote by Shadowstorm Norwicca

#10. Do you mind? Just drape your arm around her shoulder. That's it. Yes this is good, Mr.Henshaw. Getting your picture taken with Daphne is a great way to introduce you to our set. Welcome to Santa Lucia! #Quote by Barbara Jean Coast

#11. All right, we need a way to get into the palace. Any ideas?"

"Ask nicely? Charge in? Fly? Wait, do you mean reasonable ones? #Quote by Noelle Crawford

#12. Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a huge research staff to study the problem. #Quote by Bill Vaughan

#13. As to sleep, you know, I never sleep now. I might be a Watchman, except that I don't get any pay, and he's got nothing on his mind. #Quote by Charles Dickens

#14. His eyes, green with yellow sparks, and with elongated pupils like a cat's, made his grandmother gasp and say: 'Jesus! He has the devil's eyes! #Quote by Olga Nunez Miret

#15. She let out the breath she knew full well she'd been holding. #Quote by Nenia Campbell

#16. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. #Quote by Rita Rudner

#17. A smart woman doesn't have to think if she is beautiful. A beautiful woman doesn't have to think if she is smart. #Quote by Ljupka Cvetanova

#18. He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke. #Quote by Carroll Bryant

#19. It is a mistake," Labruyère tells us, "to be in love without an ample fortune. #Quote by Marcel Proust

#20. Jesus, he 's blogger," Pax said. "Arrest him, Deke. #Quote by Daryl Gregory

#21. Meaning 'by way of the anus'. 'Per Annum', with two n's, means 'yearly'. The correct answer to the question, 'What is the birthrate per anum?' is zero (one hopes). #Quote by Mary Roach

#22. Cross."
His head popped up a few shelves over. "What?"
"Check out the magic crap."
He shot me a look. "Oh, is that what we're supposed to be doing? Because I've just been drawing hearts and our initials in the dirt."
Sophie + Archer #Quote by Rachel Hawkins

#23. Andrea: " ... I think a dog is a great idea. I just never pictured you with a mutant poodle."
Kate: "He isn't a poodle. He's a Doberman mix."
Andrea: "Aha. Keep telling yourself that. #Quote by Ilona Andrews

#24. It is man who forsake is Maker. #Quote by Lailah Gifty Akita

#25. Phase two of Operation Fish and CHIPs (Clean House of the Idiot Piranhas) #Quote by Brenda Pandos

#26. Tell Jack that after he finishs saving the universe again, he has to take out the trash in the kitchen."
-Rosalind Kirby, one day in 1971 #Quote by Mark Evanier

#27. They'll get my Kindle when they pry it from my cold dead hands, if my corpse will release it. #Quote by Elizabeth Horton-Newton

#28. I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.' #Quote by Jim Leyland

#29. The worse you are at thinking, the better you are at drinking. #Quote by Terry Goodkind

#30. Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. #Quote by John Von Neumann

#31. Damn it, I should be the only one allowed to drool over him. I found him first! Or something not as stupid. #Quote by Nicole Christie

#32. I am no indiscriminate novel reader. The mere trash of the common circulating library I hold in the highest contempt. #Quote by Jane Austen

#33. Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. #Quote by P.G. Wodehouse

#34. I engage in subtle stalking. That's entirely different and perfectly socially acceptable. #Quote by Siobhan Davis

#35. All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. #Quote by Dave Barry

#36. In this, then, lies their power of understanding
understanding, without words, what is authentic or inauthentic. Thus it was the grimaces, the histrionisms, the false gestures and, above all, the false tones and cadences of the voice, which rang false for those wordless but immensely sensitive patients. It was to these (for them) most glaring, even grotesque, incongruities and improprieties that my aphasic patients responded, undeceived and undeceivable by words.
This is why they laughed at the President's speech. #Quote by Oliver Sacks

#37. Who can blame the poor lad for not advertising his rather unique name? Especially when his mother's maiden name is Jewel Diamond Sunrise and his grandmother's is Dawn Moonbeam Sunrise. Dawn Sunrise, such a pretty name. And it is true that your mother was almost named Red Sky Sunrise, but your grandfather said he would divorce her mother if she didn't change it. He was in the navy and thought that it was a bad omen. Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning, you know. And Max's grandmother didn't tell anyone that she considered calling her daughter Sunset Sunrise. Catchy isn't it? #Quote by Oscar Eccentric

#38. No, my eldest brother. He was named after our father. Our parents died when the Romans first invaded, and Stephano then became the "head of the family". " She grimaced. "He and I are like oil and water. Or we were. We get along well enough now, though." She grinned. "But boy did he pitch a fit over the concubine thing. He even called in Uncle Lucian to deal with me."

Harper's eyebrows rose. "I'm surprised Lucian bothered to intervene."

..."Yes, well..." Drina grimaced. "I'm afraid while I was een as a concubine, I was really playing puppet master with my lover and kind of ruling the country though him. At least until Uncle Lucian caught wind of it and came to give me hell. #Quote by Lynsay Sands

#39. What are you working on?" Elizabeth asked. Nate could hear her tapping a pencil on her desk. She took notes during their conversations. He didn't know what she did with the notes, but it bothered him.
"I have a lecture at the sanctuary in four days." Why, why had he told her? Why? Now she'd rattle down the mountain in her ancient Mercedes that looked like a Nazi staff car, sit in the audience, and ask all the questions that she knew in advance he couldn't answer. #Quote by Christopher Moore

#40. This must be the most embarrassing moment in my life. I am glad I am too ill to appreciate it fully. #Quote by Janet Mullany

#41. I turned on the television and watched a movie about a girl who'd fallen in love with both a vampire and a werewolf. I'd already seen it a million times, so my eyelids grew heavy, fairly quickly. Ten minutes later I was out cold in my bed and dreaming of Duncan, who turned into a werewolf and was trying to kill my own vampire boyfriend. Every time I tried to see the vampire's face, however, it was a blur. #Quote by Kristen Middleton

#42. He says in his defence he never meddled with married women, only with virgins. #Quote by Hilary Mantel

#43. I do have to wonder what sort of childhood the Grimm brothers endured. They are not a merry bunch of storytellers, what with their children roasted by witches, maidens poisoned by old crones, and whatnot. #Quote by Libba Bray

#44. A knee to the balls from a car full of clowns would have been less awkward than the look he was receiving from the whiskey-eyed angel. #Quote by Lisa N. Paul

#45. I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. #Quote by Richard Lewis

#46. After a few more minutes of daydreaming about how fabulous I could become, I look down at the heading on my paper: Janey's Reinvention Plan. It appears lonely at the top of the page. I should probably add some bullets beneath, but I've never been much of a list maker. #Quote by J.C. Patrick

#47. WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. #Quote by Dave Barry

#48. There was nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. #Quote by Ross Macdonald

#49. Webster said, 'Time them skeeters get done with that old man, his French blood will be all gone and he will speak American as good as we do. #Quote by Peter Matthiessen

#50. There is a safety mechanism in place [to ensure the perambulator doesn't turn back into a purse with a baby in it] : if anything weighing more than a pound and a half-about the weight of a three-volume novel-is in the carriage of the perambulator, it will not transform. #Quote by Lev A.C. Rosen

#51. But once more I say do as you please, for we women are born to this burden of being obedient to our husbands, though they be blockheads #Quote by Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

#52. And I'll wash your other clothes. Shall I also order you a new set of leathers?"
"Don't-" Wrath shut his mouth. "Sure. That'd be great. And, ah, could you get me some boxers? Black? XXL? #Quote by J.R. Ward

#53. I'm going to go throw up now, because ive turned into my dad. If vomiting doesn't work, I'll see if I can get an exorcism. #Quote by Veronica Blade

#54. There is a tale ... It tells of the days when a blight hung over our land. Nothing prospered. Nothing flourished. Not even zucchini would grow. #Quote by Cameron Dokey

#55. First we crawl. Later we crawl on broken glass. #Quote by Scott Meyers

#56. The American child is a highly intelligent human being; characteristically sensitive, humorous, open-minded, eager to learn, has a strong sense of excitement, energy, and healthy curiosity about the world in which he lives. Lucky indeed is the grown-up who manages to carry these same characteristics into adult life. It usually makes for a happy and successful individual. #Quote by Walt Disney

#57. John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight ... #Quote by Groucho Marx

#58. Dangerous events were transformed over the years into humorous anecdotes; painful moments were modified into sweet tales of innocence. #Quote by Nicholas Sparks

#59. People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly 'strange names', but the fact is that no matter what first names I might have given them, it is the last name that is going to get them in trouble. #Quote by Frank Zappa

#60. Vote early and vote often. #Quote by Al Capone

#61. There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open? #Quote by Woody Allen

#62. ...God bless the man who first taught the world how to cure olives. He and the man who invented cheese are two unsung pillars of civilization."

"They were probably women," muttered Fatima, fanning her face with the sleeve of her robe. "If they were men, we would remember their names. #Quote by G. Willow Wilson

#63. Oh, that's just Thud! That's easy!" yapped a voice.
Both men turned to look at Horsefry, who had been made perky by sheer relief.
"I used to play it when I was a kid," he burbled. It's boring. The dwarfs always win!"
Gilt and Vetinari shared a look. It said: While I loathe you and every aspect of your personal philosophy to a depth unplummable by any line, I'll credit you at least with not being Crispin Horsefry. #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#64. Love is as we will it to be." ~ Amunhotep El Bey #Quote by Amunhotep El Bey

#65. If a man does his best, what else is there? - General George Patton Jr. (1885-1945) #Quote by Thad Forester

#66. Eggs," said Henry dreamily, looking at his plate. "I do love eggs. I could eat them all day. #Quote by Cassandra Clare

#67. After reading some of my stories, I once had a friend say to me, "I'd love to spend five minutes in your head to see what's going on in there." I warned them, "If you spent five seconds in my mind you'd probably run out screaming and never speak to me again. #Quote by Mark W. Boyer

#68. Not every single way of saying the right thing is right. #Quote by Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#69. It saddened me that sometimes shopping was far more perilous than dealing with zombies and vampires. #Quote by Anton Strout

#70. One of my favorite quotes is:
... If I strike you it ain't going to be in your fancy. #Quote by Shannon Stacey

#71. I've never really learned how to do this. When we hunted, we had people to take care of what we caught."

"I thought you hunted with birds."

"We did."

"So the birds caught the animals, other people cleaned them... When you say 'hunting,' do you really mean 'going for a walk'? #Quote by Kate Sherwood

#72. Do I look like I'm compelled to do anything? Do I seriously look like anyone could compel me to even bring them a coaster?"
She looked me over again. "You look like you're compelled to cause trouble, but I doubt that's the boss' directive. #Quote by Debra Dunbar

#73. All it takes for evil to be defeated is for good to find another way out of the confrontation. #Quote by Linda Armstrong

#74. The world is made up of words. #Quote by Lailah Gifty Akita

#75. I fail to see how turning the subject over like compost can do anything except raise its stink. #Quote by Sonya Hartnett

#76. I have a theory about pink pastry boxes. So much joy comes from those boxes. When someone walks into a room with a pink pastry box, joy immediately fills the room. World peace? Three words. Pink pastry box. I get a big cup of coffee and finalize my plans for world domination. #Quote by Liza Palmer

#77. Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny. #Quote by Carroll Bryant

#78. Joker: I don't mind you saying that, Johnny. Sometimes, I need to hear the obvious... now is not one of those times, though. #Quote by Brian Azzarello

#79. I don't care what you people say...we are not using a font that does not have fucking serifs." - Rook Myfanwy Thomas #Quote by Daniel O'Malley

#80. It comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him. #Quote by William Shakespeare

#81. Do you believe your gentle birth will turn a bullet?"
"Why, yes," Rhett said solemnly. "Hell yes! Gentle birth's got to be good for something! #Quote by Donald McCaig

#82. Judges don't age; time decorates them. #Quote by Enid Bagnold

#83. Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money. #Quote by Dave Barry

#84. Ryker, you ride with Orlando," Ryker mocked in a snarky voice as he turned to the other man. He gestured toward the Pinto with a look of revulsion on his rugged face. "How the hell does he expect both of us to fit into that tiny metal trap? Even if we could squeeze in, the tires will probably pop. In fact, let's just carry it over. It'll be faster that way. #Quote by Rose Wynters

#85. Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication #Quote by Groucho Marx

#86. It's mind-blowing and delicious and better
than finding a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a leprechaun who shits diamonds at
the end of a rainbow. #Quote by Tara Sivec

#87. East or West, Home is Best
North or South, Hand to Mouth #Quote by Doctor You

#88. It was the study hour. Most of the monks were reading. A few were meditating, an activity that was suspiciously similar to dozing. #Quote by Ken Follett

#89. I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. #Quote by Groucho Marx

#90. You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles. #Quote by Mae West

#91. Weakness is weaker when discovered by others. #Quote by Mita Jain

#92. I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here? #Quote by Ryan Lilly

#93. Life is too transcendentally humorous for a man not to take it seriously. Compared with it, Death is but a shallow jest. #Quote by William John Locke

#94. From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train. #Quote by George Burns

#95. Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot. #Quote by Dick Gregory

#96. My dad used to say to me, 'You look more like me than I do.' #Quote by Dhani Harrison

#97. I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it. #Quote by Eva Gabor

#98. Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton. #Quote by Dean Koontz

#99. Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going. #Quote by Jim Moorman

#100. I admit I once threw caution to the wind ...
It doesn't fly well!! #Quote by Neil Leckman

#101. In the sudden silence, the crunching became absurdly loud, the demolition of small artificially flavored rice puffs filling the entire living room #Quote by Marissa Meyer

#102. It's been part of my signature to incorporate my humor with my dance, or even just how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling humorous, which I am, most of the day, I tend to incorporate that. If I'm dancing freestyle, if I feel like I've gotten too serious, while I'm moving, I'll think, "All right, it's time to lighten up a little bit," and I do. It just feels good. #Quote by Stephen Boss

#103. There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. #Quote by Josh Billings

#104. I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff ... and I want in.. #Quote by Homer Simpson

#105. When in doubt, shoot 1st and ask questions later, but avoid the head, "because they'rea lot more likely to answer if they're not dead. #Quote by Lois Greiman

#106. You have a visitor, my lord."
I frowned, "What?"
"That is why I came in here. You have a visitor waiting for you." I stood up, exasperated.
"Why didn't you say so?" Lacuna looked confused. "I did. Just now. You were there." She frowned thoughtfully. "Perhaps you have brain damage."
"It would not shock me in the least," I said.
"Would you like me to cut open your skull and check, my lord?" she asked.
Someone that short should not be that disturbing. #Quote by Jim Butcher

#107. The first thing they would do would be to open my mouth and extract the soggy ball of my handkerchief, and as they spread it out flat on the table beside my white remains, an orange stamp - a stamp belonging to the King - would flutter to the floor: It was like something right out of Agatha Christie. #Quote by Alan Bradley

#108. The local natives were particularly curious to know why the English required such huge quantities of pepper and there was much scratching of heads until it was finally agreed that English houses were so cold that the walls were plastered with crushed pepper in order to produce heat. #Quote by Giles Milton

#109. Seeing how I've held your penis in my hand, I think that puts you firmly in the not a stranger category. #Quote by Jessica Scott

#110. A tall woman with ass-length, honey-blonde hair had entered the lobby and was barking orders at an entourage of men who toted her Gucci leather luggage. Her dog, a white Westie, was barking, adding to the commotion. "Justin!" the woman chastised the man who held the door open for her. "Icky snow on my feet. My Manolo Blahniks. Oh my God! These shoes are a work of art! Do somethinggg! #Quote by Ana B. Good

#111. When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor. #Quote by Rich Hall

#112. The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime. #Quote by Shannon Fife

#113. If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white. #Quote by Waheed Ibne Musa

#114. Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith ... #Quote by Mike Harding

#115. In Tantric Zen you can be humorous and make fun of anything or you can be very serious. #Quote by Frederick Lenz

#116. Smile while you still have teeth. #Quote by Carol Wyer

#117. Today I feel like I did tomorrow. #Quote by Carroll Bryant

#118. I cannot see you anymore. Your ego spans higher than the Himalayas. Sutara #Quote by Eleni Papanou

#119. My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical. #Quote by Tim Heidecker

#120. Sometimes love isn't enough. The rest of the time it's overkill. #Quote by John Alejandro King A.k.a. The Covert Comic

#121. Sergeant Colon owed thirty years of happy marriage to the fact that Mrs. Colon worked all day and Sargent Colon worked all night. They communicated by means of notes. They had three grown-up children, all born, Vimes had assumed, as a result of extremely persuasive handwriting. #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#122. Galen poked Eryx on the shoulder three times. "Brother, if you feed the cats, they'll keep coming back. Please. I beg you. Stop." Bill and Andy broke out in laughter. I bit my bottom lip to keep from smiling at Galen's rude, yet humorous remark. Jean and Marie took half a turn and walked away. #Quote by Nely Cab

#123. Earlier maps had underestimated the distances to other continents and exaggerated the outlines of individual nations. Now global dimensions could be set, with authority, by the celestial spheres. Indeed, King Louis XIV of France, confronted with a revised map of his domain based on accurate longitude measurements, reportedly complained that he was losing more territory to his astronomers than to his enemies. #Quote by Dava Sobel

#124. American radio is the reverse of the Shakespearean stage. In Shakespeare's time the world's greatest dramas were acted with the most primitive technical arrangements; on the American air the world's most primitive writing is performed under perfect technical conditions. #Quote by George Mikes

#125. Mister if you want more to join,' She said half-choked 'you'll have to put in the coin. #Quote by Angelo Tsanatelis

#126. We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about: the Islip Garbage Barge. #Quote by Dave Barry

#127. If you're a fat person - and especially if you're a woman - at all stages of your life you'll get abuse for it, so you have to work out a way of dealing with it. The best way is to be humorous about it - that defuses any tension. #Quote by Jo Brand

#128. By the standards of a tourist strolling past looking for a quick lunch, the place was a dive. The sign on the window was small and easy to miss, and the antique feel of the place wasn't the prepackaged, old-shit-on-the-wall nostalgia that came with so many chain restaurants. The cafe was just old, and everything about it said old. But Jon liked it that way, if only because it kept the tourists away and spared him from hearing imported ignorance when there was plenty of local ignorance to go around. #Quote by Scott B. Pruden

#129. Shut up, Arthur,' said my mother, and he zipped his mouth shut like an infuriating child.
Ginger started to laugh. Not at anything in particular, but just because Ginger was stoned. #Quote by Sarah Winman

#130. It is far better to know our own weaknesses and failures than to point out those of others. #Quote by Jawaharlal Nehru

#131. If you want to know how old a woman is ... ask her sister-in-law. #Quote by E.W. Howe

#132. As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.' #Quote by Joan Rivers

#133. You could have heard a bee fluff #Quote by S.W. Lothian

#134. College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity. #Quote by H.L. Mencken

#135. I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. #Quote by Elayne Boosler

#136. First, let me finish. Then interrupt. #Quote by Brian Spellman

#137. If you want to add some variety to your sex life, why don't you just use your other hand?" ~ Gabi #Quote by Cherise Sinclair

#138. I was not elected to produce a pile of vetoes. #Quote by William J. Clinton

#139. Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things! #Quote by Tom Lehrer

#140. Parent could embarrass their kids during the teenage years, but only a true virtuoso could embarrass them into their twenties and beyond. #Quote by Danielle Monsch

#141. It is a curious fact that small boys are more terrified of their babysitters than small girls are. In part, this is because small girls and babysitters, who are usually slightly larger girls, belong to the same species, and therefore understand each other. Small boys, on the other hand, do not understand girls, and therefore being looked after by one is a little like a hamster being looked after by a shark. If you are a small boy, it may be some consolation to you to know that even large boys do not understand girls, and girls, by and large, do not understand boys. This makes adult life very interesting. #Quote by John Connolly

#142. Smiling always seems to annoy people more than actually insulting them. Or maybe I just have an annoying smile. #Quote by Jim Butcher

#143. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. #Quote by Kevin Costner

#144. Look, this isn't about the ring or when I ever made a hamburger, which, for your information, was my senior year of college."
"Right, when you almost caught our kitchen on fire."
"And you dated one of the firefighters for six months. You're welcome. Back to my problem. #Quote by Rachel Hauck

#145. We are told that Sin consists in acting contrary to God's commands, but we are also told that God is omnipotent ... This leads to frightful results ... The British State considers it the duty of an Englishman to kill people who are not English whenever a collection of elderly gentlemen in Westminster tells him to do so ... Church and State are placable enemies of both intelligence and virtue. #Quote by Bertrand Russell

#146. There's an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. #Quote by Peter Drucker

#147. He has denied what has happened. His sworn statements have denied what has happened. #Quote by Patricia Schroeder

#148. Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. #Quote by Marilyn Vos Savant

#149. Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate, and if you ever put your hands on me again I will cut them off along with other body parts you might want to use one day. Got it? Jacque told him with as much force as she could put behind her words. #Quote by Quinn Loftis

#150. There lived a redheaded man who had no eyes or ears. He didn't have hair either, so he was called a redhead arbitrarily. He couldn't talk because he had no mouth. He had no nose either. He didn't even have arms or legs. He had no stomach, he had no back, he had no spine, and he had no innards at all. He didn't have anything. So we don't even know who we're talking about. It's better that we don't talk about him any more. #Quote by Daniil Kharms

#151. America is a nation of 270 million people: 100 million of them are gangsters, another 100 million are hustlers, 50 million are complete lunatics, and every single one of us is secretly in show business. Isn't that fabulous? #Quote by Tom Robbins

#152. I'll send three of Harnet's Di'taken. I have it on good authority that they think the sun shines out of my ass."
Pole leaned forwards just enough to bring the major into his line of sight.
Pole - "All of them?"
Torrin - "Some of them are officers and thus blinded by the sun shining out of their own asses."
Pole - "Did you just say that?"
Torrin - "Yeah," Torrin offered him her hand. "Get over it. #Quote by Tanya Huff

#153. I hope I know my own unworthiness, and that I hate and despise myself and all my fellow-creatures as every practicable Christian should. #Quote by Charles Dickens

#154. Have you hugged your favorite Dork lately? Most of us are squeezably soft and adorable. #Quote by Michael P. Clutton

#155. Almost makes you want to go to jail out here, doesn't it? #Quote by William J. Clinton

#156. Happiness is; knowing that Goodreads isn't blocked from my work IT system. #Quote by Mel Morton

#157. The thought of my mother talking to me about sex makes me want to stab my eyes out with a fork, gouge even deeper and scramble my brains to prevent the conversation from ever happening. #Quote by Addison Moore

#158. I've been thinking of humorous things since I was ... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. #Quote by Steven Wright

#159. I don't think the Republicans can damage my character #Quote by William J. Clinton

#160. I wanted to do an hour-long show, and I wanted to something that was dramatic and sometimes funny and humorous, as well. I'm just delighted to have this opportunity to be a part of this project. #Quote by Ron Glass

#161. And I have a plan to do even better, to end welfare as we know it #Quote by William J. Clinton

#162. I've been coerced into free will. #Quote by Brian Spellman

#163. hey man, i am tankianann and i like to research #Quote by Tan Kian Ann

#164. Those half-learn'd witlings, num'rous in our isle
As half-form'd insects on the banks of Nile #Quote by Alexander Pope

#165. If you can't beat them and don't care to join them, Then " FU*K THEM". #Quote by Katraina L Flowers

#166. My father had bought him a shirt
that said Sure you can date my daughter. In a completely unrelated topic,
have you seen my shotgun? #Quote by Tara Sivec

#167. The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that." #Quote by P. J. O'Rourke

#168. I think that the habit of gloomy poetry is very funny. It's like a special competition in losing. #Quote by Miroslav Holub

#169. It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it. #Quote by Finley Peter Dunne

#170. I'm very physical. I'm extremely active, and I would love to do something a little more sexy and dangerous, a la Sophia Loren, or funny and humorous, a la Woody Allen. Getting to do things along those lines would be extremely wicked and a dream come true. #Quote by Azita Ghanizada

#171. They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport. #Quote by George Carlin

#172. Everything is uncomfortable for the first time: School, Smoking or Sex. #Quote by Aakash Deep

#173. There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. #Quote by Henry A. Kissinger

#174. In cross examination, as in fishing, nothing is more ungainly than a fisherman pulled into the water by his catch. #Quote by Louis Nizer

#175. Writing is a lonely pursuit. The only thing working is imagination and hands.
The only difference between writing and masturbation is one is presumably intended for a mass audience. #Quote by Mark Bell

#176. Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes. #Quote by Dave Barry

#177. Pink is supposed to weaken your enemies, make them go soft on you, which must be why it's used for baby girls. It's a wonder the military hasn't got on to this. #Quote by Margaret Atwood

#178. I think that if Mozart were alive today and decided to become a novelist, he would write humorous fantasy. #Quote by Frank P. Ryan

#179. Facts are the enemy of truth. #Quote by Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

#180. The mountain trembled like an earthquake. Dust flew into the sky. And the rock turned dark red, like the color of blood'.
'How would you know?' Asks Sindhi cap. 'You only have a black and white television'.
'But it's a very good one. You can almost see colours. #Quote by Mohsin Hamid

#181. Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. #Quote by J. P. McEvoy

#182. My gramps is a lot like you. No sense of adventure. All he does is sit in his urn... #Quote by Cleo Peitsche

#183. Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. #Quote by Groucho Marx

#184. Maybe you'll win when hell freezes over."
He raised an eyebrow.
"That could be easily arranged. #Quote by Aimee Carter

#185. Princess. By S. Morgenstern. It's a kids' classic. Tell him I'll quiz him on it when I'm back next week and that he doesn't have to like it or anything, but if he doesn't, tell him I'll kill myself. Give him that message exactly please; I wouldn't want to apply any extra pressure or anything. #Quote by William Goldman

#186. Odor in his clothes and beard and flesh too which I believed was the smell of powder and glory, the elected victorious but know better now: know now to have been only the will to endure, a sardonic and even humorous declining of self-delusion which is not even kin to that optimism which believes that that which is about to happen to us can #Quote by William Faulkner

#187. I get a kick out of cursing people for life on Sundays. #Quote by Emily Kirby

#188. So. Monday. We meet again.
We will never be friends - but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership. #Quote by Julio Alexi Genao

#189. The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today. #Quote by George Mikes

#190. The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, and there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence. Yet, government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. #Quote by David McIntosh

#191. He then reaches a new low. Without warning, he is suddenly set upon by a bear. #Quote by P.J. Hetherhouse

#192. In a way it was worth it, she thought, except that it was such a total waste. #Quote by Diana Wynne Jones

#193. Learn more and Know more. #Quote by Steve Jobs

#194. When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. #Quote by Dave Barry

#195. Hey!" Mena exclaimed "Don't knock Jeopardy. I love that show"
"So do I" Max admitted.
"I like it when I know the answers." Logan added.
Trent turned to Logan, "Dude, if you hate the show, all you had to do was say so. #Quote by Amanda Kelly

#196. She thought she was getting out of the Water Rising clean, because she didn't see her father anywhere around: there was only Ash and Lillian sitting at a table, and a few other patrons at as much of a distance from Ash and Lillian as they could get. She made for the door, at which point Lillian caught her arm.

"Where are you going?"

"Uh," said Kami, eyeballing her wildly. "I'm going to buy some drugs."

Lillian stared. "I beg your pardon?"

"This is a really stressful time for everyone," said Kami. "So I thought maybe I could buy a little weed, take the edge off. I might be a while. This is a very clean-living town, apart from all the murders, so I don't actually know any drug dealers. I realize Jared kind of looks like one, but he's not, which is a shame because I think the drug dealer's girlfriend gets her drugs free."

"I realize you are attempting to be humorous," said Lillian, after a pause during which she stared some more. "I don't understand it."

"Hey, you're not the only family with a legacy. 'Glass' rhymes with 'sass.' Have you met my dad?"

"I have had that dubious pleasure," said Lillian. "He is, in fact, meant to be meeting me in order to, and I quote, 'teach me to integrate better with society, display leadership skills, win over the populace, and stop acting like a robot princess from space.' I admit that the humor in his humor escapes me as well." She paused and suddenly looked determined #Quote by Sarah Rees Brennan

#197. Every week seems to bring another luxuriantly creamy envelope, the thickness of a letter-bomb, containing a complex invitation – a triumph of paper engineering – and a comprehensive dossier of phone numbers, email addresses, websites, how to get there, what to wear, where to buy the gifts. Country house hotels are being block-booked, great schools of salmon are being poached, vast marquees are appearing overnight like Bedouin tent cities. Silky grey morning suits and top hats are being hired and worn with an absolutely straight face, and the times are heady and golden for florists and caterers, string quartets and Ceilidh callers, ice sculptors and the makers of disposable cameras. Decent Motown cover-bands are limp with exhaustion. Churches are back in fashion, and these days the happy couple are travelling the short distance from the place of worship to the reception on open-topped London buses, in hot-air balloons, on the backs of matching white stallions, in micro-lite planes. A wedding requires immense reserves of love and commitment and time off work, not least from the guests. Confetti costs eight pounds a box. A bag of rice from the corner shop just won't cut it anymore. #Quote by David Nicholls

#198. Perhaps I should have pointed out more often that without her (mother's) guidance and example I might have gone straight from short pants to Long Bay Gaol, which in those days was still in use and heavily populated by larcenous young men who had chosen their parents less wisely. #Quote by Clive James

#199. Here Lies Constatijn, slain by the first penis he saw that wasn't his own. #Quote by Mackenzi Lee

#200. Now is the time for all good men to come to. #Quote by Walt Kelly