Humor Quotes

Top 100 famous quotes & sayings about Humor.

Famous Quotes About Humor

Here are best 100 famous quotes about Humor that you can use to show your feeling, share with your friends and post on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and blogs. Enjoy your day & share your thoughts with perfect pictures of Humor quotes.

Humor quotes by Richelle Mead
#1. We could, you know, go out for hot dogs. Don't worry - they're not actually dogs. It's just a name. They're these meat things that you put on buns - that's a kind of bread - and then you top them with other things and - "

"I know what a hot dog is," interrupted Mark.

"You do?" I asked, legitimately surprised. "How?"

"We're not that remote. We have TV and movies. Besides, I've left Siberia, you know. I've been to the U.S."

"Really? Did you try a hot dog?"

"No," he said. "I was offered one … but it didn't look that appetizing."

"What!" I exclaimed. "Blasphemy. They're delicious."

"Aren't they compressed animal parts?" he pushed.

"Well, yeah… I think so. But so is sausage."

Mark shook his head. "I don't know. Something's just not right about a hot dog."

"Not right? I think you mean so right. #Quote by Richelle Mead
Humor quotes by Andrew Shaffer
#2. NOTE: In the rare situation a megatsunami washes a T. rex into your path, you won't be carrying a weapon large enough to hurt it. If it's intent on eating you, it will eat you. However, you will be killed by the coolest dinosaur ever. Most people go their whole lives without ever seeing a T. rex in person. Do you know how lucky you are? #Quote by Andrew Shaffer
Humor quotes by L.M. Fields
#3. I never talk back. I listen and always remember your every word, so come pen or mouse, never forget that I will treasure your thoughts forever. Yours truly, Paper. #Quote by L.M. Fields
Humor quotes by Heather Brewer
#4. Someday, my young friend, you'll find out that girls are actually people too. Just like you and me. #Quote by Heather Brewer
Humor quotes by George W. Bush
#5. Let me put it to you this way, I am not a revengeful person. #Quote by George W. Bush
Humor quotes by Celia Rivenbark
#6. Carbohydrates from the Latin, carbo which means "yummy" and hydrates which means "cinnamon bun," are not something I can eliminate or even drastically cut back on. #Quote by Celia Rivenbark
Humor quotes by Steven Wright
#7. Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. #Quote by Steven Wright
Humor quotes by Lewis Black
#8. And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. #Quote by Lewis Black
Humor quotes by Steven Brust
#9. A stupid person can make only certain, limited types of errors; the mistakes open to a clever fellow are far broader. But to the one who knows how smart he is compared to everyone else, the possibilities for true idiocy are boundless. #Quote by Steven Brust
Humor quotes by Anonymous
#10. My favorite text message: I'll be there in 5 minutes ... if not, read this again. #Quote by Anonymous
Humor quotes by George W. Bush
#11. It's one thing about insurance, that's a Washington term. #Quote by George W. Bush
Humor quotes by Charlaine Harris
#12. The last time I wore an animal hide; but this time I settled for this. Eric had been wearing a long trench coat. Now he threw it off dramatically, and I could only stand and stare. Normally, Eric was a blue-jeans-and-T-shirt kind of guy. Tonight, he wore a pink tank top and Lycra leggings[ ... ]They were pink and aqua, like the swirls down the side of Jason's truck. #Quote by Charlaine Harris
Humor quotes by Alice Hoffman
#13. Holding a tear back makes them drain upward, higher and higher, until one day your head just explodes and you're left with a stub of a neck and nothing more. #Quote by Alice Hoffman
Humor quotes by Mitch Hedberg
#14. I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won! #Quote by Mitch Hedberg
Humor quotes by Krisi Keley
#15. How many of us are there?" he demanded in a less than amused tone.
"Legions, surely, don't you think it must be so?"
"How can you joke about even this?" he asked, anger evident in his voice. A rarity that he expressed it, or any other emotion, for that matter. Of course, that didn't mean the emotions weren't there, and I'd experienced every one he'd refused to show.
"Don't knock what you haven't tried, Michel. Trust me when I say my regular routine of self-amusement is a much better prophylactic against insanity than your grueling regimen of nightly self-flogging. #Quote by Krisi Keley
Humor quotes by Richelle E. Goodrich
#16. Life is too hard to maintain a constantly serious outlook. You have to laugh at yourself and the world now and then―see humor in undesirable circumstances, even harsh situations―or you will either rot from the inside or go stark-raving mad. Humor is power against the worst oppression. It lightens heavy burdens; it allows one to smile while in agony; it eases excruciating pains. In short, humor makes the intolerable tolerable. #Quote by Richelle E. Goodrich
Humor quotes by Dav Pilkey
#17. It's been said that adults spend the first two years of their children's lives trying to make them walk and talk, and the next sixteen years trying to get them to sit down and shut up.
It's the same way with potty training: Most adults spend the first few years of a child's life cheerfully discussing pee and poopies, and how important it is to learn to put your pee-pee and poo-poo in the potty like big people do.
But once children have mastered the art of toilet training, they are immeadiately forbidden to ever talk about poop, pee, toilets and other bathroom-related subjects again. Such things are now considered rude and vulgar, and are no longer rewarded with praise and cookies and juice boxes.
One day you're a superstar because you pooped in the toilet like a big boy, and the next day you're sitting in the principal's office because you said the word "poopy" in American History class (which, if you ask me, is the perfect place to say that word). #Quote by Dav Pilkey
Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
#18. What some people need," said Magrat, to the world in general, "is a bit more heart."

"What some people need," said Granny Weatherwax, to the stormy sky, "is a lot more brain."

Then she clutched at her hat to stop the wind from blowing it off.

What I need, thought Nanny Ogg fervently, is a drink. #Quote by Terry Pratchett
Humor quotes by Blake Charlton
#19. [Francesca] 'You really are a few biscuits short of breakfast.'
His eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
'You're a few colors shy of a rainbow?' she offered. 'Not pulling a full wagon? Knitting with only one needle? All foam and no beer? Your cheese slid off the cracker? You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel?'
[Nicodemus] 'All right. I get it. #Quote by Blake Charlton
Humor quotes by Nicole Williams
#20. My sense of teasing is completely lost on you.", Patrick said, hoisting himself back up. "It's a shame too. Most people tell me my sense of humor is my best quality, only outdone by my otherworldly good looks. #Quote by Nicole Williams
Humor quotes by Giannina Braschi
#21. Banks are the temples of America. This is a holy war. Our economy is our religion. #Quote by Giannina Braschi
Humor quotes by Rick Riordan
#22. Schist," said an angry voice from the grass. Hazel raised her eyebrows. "Excuse me?" "Schist! Big pile of schist! #Quote by Rick Riordan
Humor quotes by M.L. LeGette
#23. Crazy, batty Maud," Lita teased, wiping her nose across her sleeve and staring at Mally wickedly. "Ooooh, be careful, she might cut off your hair! She'll bargain for your fingernails! #Quote by M.L. LeGette
Humor quotes by Bill Watterson
#24. The center snaps the ball to the quarterback!"
"No he doesn't!"
"He doesn't?"
"NO! Secretly, he's the quarterback for the other team! He keeps the ball!"
"A traitor!"
"Calvin breaks for the goal."
"Wheeee! He's at the 30... the 20... the 10! Nobody can catch him!"
"Nobody wants to! Your running toward your own goal!"
"Huh?!"
"When I learned that you were a spy, I switched goals. This is your goal and mine's hidden!"
"Hidden?!"
"You'll never find it in a million years!"
"I don't need to find it as a traitor to your team, crossing my goal counts as crossing your goal!"
"Ah, so you might think so..."
"In fact, I know so!"
"But the place I hid my goal is right on top of your goal, so the points will go to me!"
"But the fact is, I'm really a double agent! I'm on your team after all, which means you'll lose points if I cross your goal! Ha ha!"
"But I'm a traitor too, so I'm really on your team! I want you to cross my goal! The points will go to your team, which is really my team!"
"That would be true... if I were a football player!"
"You mean...?"
"I'm actually a badminton player disguised as a double-agent football player!!"
"And I'm actually a volleyball-croquet-polo player!"
"Sooner or later, all our games turn into CalvinBall."
"No cheating! #Quote by Bill Watterson
Humor quotes by Janet Evanovich
#25. If I gave you a pity position it wouldn't be in my office. #Quote by Janet Evanovich
Humor quotes by Rick Riordan
#26. Hmm ... " Jason snapped his fingers. "I can call a friend for a ride."
Percy raised his eyebrows. "Oh, yeah? Me too. Let's see whose friend gets here first. #Quote by Rick Riordan
Humor quotes by R.L. Mathewson
#27. If I order an appetizer is there any chance I can get it quickly? I'm two and a half months pregnant with a Bradford," she said, not mentioning it was twins because the thought was actually starting to scare her and she hadn't told Trevor yet and didn't want him finding out this way. She just hoped the woman understood because she was close to crying. Judging by the slightly startled look on the woman's face she did.
The waitress shook her head. "No, you're right. You probably won't be able to survive the wait," she said, sending Trevor, who was still trying to get the woman to leave, a glare. "I'll bring you out a bowl of clam chowder followed by chicken fingers, they'll only take a few minutes to prepare. Will that work?"
Zoe nodded solemnly. "You are my hero."
"I'll put a rush on your food," the waitress said before walking away.
"Bless you," Zoe said, fighting the urge to kiss the woman. #Quote by R.L. Mathewson
Humor quotes by Martha Wells
#28. Expecting it and having it happen were two different things, something I learned the first time I got shot to pieces. #Quote by Martha Wells
Humor quotes by Melika Dannese Lux
#29. She is so tiresome. 'Am I a vampire, am I a wolf, am I a vampire, am I a wolf, I cannot decide, so I'll be both! #Quote by Melika Dannese Lux
Humor quotes by Sandra Neil Wallace
#30. They got a manure machine in there," Keller said. He went up to the barn and peeked through a hole between tow boards. "On wheels. It's fun to ride sometimes, when you don't care how you smell. #Quote by Sandra Neil Wallace
Humor quotes by Anne Rice
#31. When did this fiend strike last?"
Ah ... The last report was from the Dominican Republic. That was, let me see, two nights ago."
Dominican Republic! Why in the world would he go there?"
Exactly what I would like to know. #Quote by Anne Rice
Humor quotes by Frankie Rose
#32. Can you meet me?"
"Sure I can. What else are friends for but swooping in to the rescue when their girlfriends are are being stalked by creepy strangers? #Quote by Frankie Rose
Humor quotes by Neil Gaiman
#33. Been there, Remiel. Done that. Wore the T-Shirt, ate the burger, bought the original cast album, choreographed the legions of the damned and orchestrated the screaming. #Quote by Neil Gaiman
Humor quotes by Suzanne Collins
#34. It's lovely. If only you could frost someone to death."
"Don't be so superior. You can never tell what you will find in the arena. Say it's a gigantic cake- #Quote by Suzanne Collins
Humor quotes by Bill Cosby
#35. Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice. #Quote by Bill Cosby
Humor quotes by Terry Gilliam
#36. I was an incredible Anglophile. I found people who shared the same sense of humor and attitude toward the world. #Quote by Terry Gilliam
Humor quotes by G. Norman Lippert
#37. Thought you were making a James Band Joke. Hard to tell with that accent #Quote by G. Norman Lippert
Humor quotes by Peter Boghossian
#38. An educated theologian: someone who's better at rationalizing what they're pretending to know. #Quote by Peter Boghossian
Humor quotes by Derek Landy
#39. I'm sorry? No more smooches is worse than the world ending? #Quote by Derek Landy
Humor quotes by Frederick Lenz
#40. We see an enlightened teacher to gain a sense of humor, to learn balance and proportion and of course to learn wisdom. #Quote by Frederick Lenz
Humor quotes by Tom Robbins
#41. Unless it was about to cause you bodily harm, rot your rhubarb on the stalk, or carry off your children, weather ought either to be celebrated or ignored. #Quote by Tom Robbins
Humor quotes by George Carlin
#42. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up. #Quote by George Carlin
Humor quotes by Michael Nuccio
#43. If I could go back in time to when I was 18yrs old, I would take better notes this time, because back then I knew everything. #Quote by Michael Nuccio
Humor quotes by Debra Holland
#44. I'll get right to the point," Mr. Carter said. "For the last year, we've been searching for a sheriff for our town." He grimaced. "Wouldn't have thought finding one would be so difficult."...
"She hasn't said yes," Carter commented. He slanted her an inquiring glance. "Well, K.C. Granger. Will you have us?"
At the marriage-vow-sounding question, K.C. felt a smile play around her lips, perhaps the first one since Charles' murder. In keeping with the formality of his question, and because a little imp of humor prompted her, she said, "I do. #Quote by Debra Holland
Humor quotes by Michael Josephson
#45. Experimenting with drugs is like target practice where your head is the bull's-eye. #Quote by Michael Josephson
Humor quotes by M.A. George
#46. The cleanest civilization I've ever seen ... and the number one thing you pack for a wedding is a jar of dirt? #Quote by M.A. George
Humor quotes by Len Deighton
#47. Do you ever make silly mistakes? It is one of my very few creative activities. #Quote by Len Deighton
Humor quotes by Elizabeth Peters
#48. It was a needless precaution, I felt sure, but men always enjoy marching around with weapons and flexing their figurative muscles, and I saw no reason to deny them this harmless exercise. #Quote by Elizabeth Peters
Humor quotes by Helen Fielding
#49. A woman has her needs. What good is a mother to her poor children if she's suffering from low self-esteem and sexual frustration? If you don't get laid soon, you will literally close up. More importantly, you will shrivel. And you will become bitter. #Quote by Helen Fielding
Humor quotes by Chris Rock
#50. Not a Harvard-type education, ... Just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education. #Quote by Chris Rock
Humor quotes by Veronica Roth
#51. I have something I need to tell you," he says. I run my fingers along the tendons in his hands and look back at him. "I might be in love with you." He smiles a little. "I'm waiting until I'm sure to tell you, though."
"That's sensible of you," I say, smiling too. "We should find some paper so you can make a list or a chart or something."
I feel his laughter against my side, his nose sliding along my jaw, his lips pressing my ear.
"Maybe I'm already sure," he says, "and I just don't want to frighten you."
I laugh a little. "Then you should know better."
"Fine," he says. "Then I love you. #Quote by Veronica Roth
Humor quotes by Anna White
#52. Truth: last week I online shopped too much. Then I ate 2 pounds of jelly beans to feel better about that. In fact, while I was trying to read soul-nourishing things all I could think about was shopping and jellybeans. Points to the monkey mind. #Quote by Anna White
Humor quotes by Jennifer Rardin
#53. The padlock clicked open. A voice soundingoddly like South Parks's Cartman echoed through my quivering brain. Goddammit!
#Quote by Jennifer Rardin
Humor quotes by Anton Chekhov
#54. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. #Quote by Anton Chekhov
Humor quotes by Jenn McKinlay
#55. Blodgett and Hobart are named for and oven and a mixer?" Justin asked. "Huh. And all this time I thought they were named for some unfortunate relatives. #Quote by Jenn McKinlay
Humor quotes by Debra Strattford
#56. Mmhh! I have several ideas, but I don't know where to start.'

'You mean to hear me shout your name?'

'Yes, that's one of the ideas I have in mind. #Quote by Debra Strattford
Humor quotes by Woody Allen
#57. Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be. #Quote by Woody Allen
Humor quotes by Anthony Jeselnik
#58. My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf. #Quote by Anthony Jeselnik
Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
#59. Do you think there's anything to eat in this forest?"
"Yes," said the wizard bitterly, "us. #Quote by Terry Pratchett
Humor quotes by Karen Quan
#60. I'm gonna go put my earplugs in and practice piano for hours until my fingers bleed. I practice the piano with the focus of Helen Keller - and nothing can distract me from the scent of the music.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz #Quote by Karen Quan
Humor quotes by Rick Riordan
#61. Rachel: You're a half-blood, too?
Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?
Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god! ... They don't seem to care. #Quote by Rick Riordan
Humor quotes by Marc Maron
#62. I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?' #Quote by Marc Maron
Humor quotes by Nelson DeMille
#63. Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees. #Quote by Nelson DeMille
Humor quotes by Veronica Rossi
#64. He's so unlucky it's almost lucky," Gren said. "It's like he has reverse luck."
"He's reverse good-looking, too" said Hyde.
"I'm going to reverse punch you," Strag said to his brother.
"That was reverse smart, man. It means you're going to punch yourself. #Quote by Veronica Rossi
Humor quotes by Nicole McKay
#65. I'd much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick. #Quote by Nicole McKay
Humor quotes by Tom Lucas
#66. I know what ails you. #Quote by Tom Lucas
Humor quotes by Dylan Perry
#67. It was one of those decisions that shouldn't have been so easy to get so wrong. Go on your own or take the half wasted waif. She was wearing denim hotpants with a pink vest top, and was hanging off his arm, more for stability than closeness, so he propped her up against the wall next to the counter and reached inside his coat pocket for his badge. It was definitely his badge, he clearly remembered stealing it two years before whilst in California. #Quote by Dylan Perry
Humor quotes by Erin Hunter
#68. Why do relationships have to be so complicated? #Quote by Erin Hunter
Humor quotes by Sarah Rees Brennan
#69. Also," Nick added curtly, "I'm sorry about your face."
Jamie looked over his shoulder, and touched the demon's mark crawling along his jaw with the back of his hand. "Sorry about saving all our lives by doing something you had to do?"
"Oh no," Nick said blandly, "I just meant, you know. Generally."
Jamie stared at him, shocked, and laughed. It was a real laugh, helpless and sweet, and Mae memorized it in case he died. Jamie by the river at dawn, laughing. #Quote by Sarah Rees Brennan
Humor quotes by Meg Cabot
#70. I looked where he was tapping.
"Local Girl Missing, Feared Dead"
Beneath it was a photo or me-my most recent school photo. "Oh no." My heart filling with dread, i took the paper from Mr. Smith's hands. "Couldn't they have found a better picture? #Quote by Meg Cabot
Humor quotes by Meg Rosoff
#71. I hate you, I thought, I hate you with your bloody nature-boy airs and your bloody forced-march voyage of bloody discovery. I wondered then if Finn's personality worked on everyone, or whether I had just the the right sort of mentality to fall in step with a self-centered hermit-boy crab murderer. #Quote by Meg Rosoff
Humor quotes by Stephen King
#72. Really not much sense of humor, though. Well, there were worse failings. Grabbing a girl's bosom when she wasn't expecting it might be one of them. #Quote by Stephen King
Humor quotes by Dianna Hardy
#73. Always. There is always time for jokes. As my father would say, humour is the spark that lights every dark. #Quote by Dianna Hardy
Humor quotes by Mark Twain
#74. The Jabalites ... They worship no god; and if we in goodness of heart do send a missionary to show them the way of life, they listen with respect to all he hath to say, and then they eat him. This doth tend to hinder the spread of light. #Quote by Mark Twain
Humor quotes by J.K. Rowling
#75. She should've interviewed Snape," said Harry grimly. "He'd give her the goods on me any day. "Potter has been crossing lines ever since he first arrived at this school ... #Quote by J.K. Rowling
Humor quotes by Beverley Kendall
#76. Fate had a most unfortunate sense of humor. #Quote by Beverley Kendall
Humor quotes by George R R Martin
#77. Tyrion seated himself and took a sip of wine. If a man paints a target on his chest, he should expect that sooner or later someone will loose an arrow at him. I have seen dead men with more humor than your Ser Alliser. #Quote by George R R Martin
Humor quotes by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#78. A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people. #Quote by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Humor quotes by G.A. Aiken
#79. But there simply was no grey area for him. There was only black, white, and annoying. #Quote by G.A. Aiken
Humor quotes by Astrid Lindgren
#80. Aren't you going to dry the floor?' asked Annika.
'Oh, no, it can dry in the sun,' answered Pippi. 'I don't think it will catch cold so long as it keeps moving. #Quote by Astrid Lindgren
Humor quotes by H.L. Mencken
#81. Life may not be exactly pleasant, but it is at least not dull. Heave yourself into Hell today, and you may miss, tomorrow or next day, another Scopes trial, or another War to End War, or perchance a rich and buxom widow with all her first husband's clothes. There are always more Hardings hatching. I advocate hanging on as long as possible. #Quote by H.L. Mencken
Humor quotes by Neil Gaiman
#82. I'm sure you'll have fun," said Garry, insincerely. "And how is the Creature from the Black Lagoon?" "Jessica's from Ilford, actually, Garry. And she remains the light and love of my life, thank you very much for asking. #Quote by Neil Gaiman
Humor quotes by Lisi Harrison
#83. One question:do you want to hang ten or BE a ten?-Massie Block #Quote by Lisi Harrison
Humor quotes by Tish Harrison Warren
#84. This is a great mystery. My teeth will be in eternity and are eternally good. #Quote by Tish Harrison Warren
Humor quotes by Tim Fargo
#85. Chemistry is great, but eventually your relationship moves out of the laboratory. #Quote by Tim Fargo
Humor quotes by Marie Jenney Howe
#86. Besides, when I look around me at the men, I feel that God never meant us women to be too particular. #Quote by Marie Jenney Howe
Humor quotes by Neal Shusterman
#87. The building was no warmer than the street outside, and it smelled like something died in there from smelling something else that died in there. #Quote by Neal Shusterman
Humor quotes by Alexis Hall
#88. My cock actually sort of staggers like a punch-drunk boxer who doesn't know when to stay down. #Quote by Alexis Hall
Humor quotes by Rainbow Rowell
#89. Saturdays were the worst #Quote by Rainbow Rowell
Humor quotes by Santosh Kalwar
#90. For you, I am like a child. For others, I am very wise. #Quote by Santosh Kalwar
Humor quotes by Demetri Martin
#91. When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B ... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here. #Quote by Demetri Martin
Humor quotes by Francois Truffaut
#92. There are two kinds of directors; those who have the public in mind when they conceive and make their films and those who don't consider the public at all. For the former, cinema is an art of spectacle; for the latter, it is an individual adventure. There is nothing intrinsically better about one or the other; it's simply a matter of different approaches. For Hitchcock as for Renoir, as for that matter almost all American directors, a film has not succeeded unless it is a success, that is, unless it touches the public that one has had in mind right from the moment of choosing the subject matter to the end of production. While Bresson, Tati, Rossellini, Ray make films their own way and then invite the public to join the "game," Renoir, Clouzot, Hitchcock and Hawks make movies for the public, and ask themselves all the questions they think will interest their audience. Alfred Hitchcock, who is a remarkably intelligent man, formed the habit early--right from the start of his career in England--of predicting each aspect of his films. All his life he has worked to make his own tastes coincide with the public', emphasizing humor in his English period and suspense in his American period. This dosage of humor and suspense has made Hitchcock one of the most commercial directors in the world (his films regularly bring in four times what they cost). It is the strict demands he makes on himself and on his art that have made him a great director. #Quote by Francois Truffaut
Humor quotes by Emma Harrison
#93. Is thyselves even a word? #Quote by Emma Harrison
Humor quotes by Alan King
#94. There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.' #Quote by Alan King
Humor quotes by Christopher Moore
#95. I've won Satan's lottery. #Quote by Christopher Moore
Humor quotes by Jerry Coleman
#96. There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number. #Quote by Jerry Coleman
Humor quotes by Rick Riordan
#97. I tried to think of something to say. Excuse me? Hello? Marry me? Anything would have done. #Quote by Rick Riordan
Humor quotes by John C. Carlile
#98. Mr. Beecher used to say that the first thing for a man to do, if he would succeed in life, was to be careful to "choose a good father and mother to be born of. #Quote by John C. Carlile
Humor quotes by Loretta Chase
#99. Jessica, you are a pain in the arse, do you know that? If I were not so immensely fond of you, I should throw you out the window."
She wrapped her arms about his waist and laid her head against his chest. "Not merely 'fond,' but 'immensely fond.' Oh Dain, I do believe I shall swoon."
"Not now," he said crossly. "I haven't time to pick you up. #Quote by Loretta Chase
Humor quotes by Stanley Victor Paskavich
#100. The voices in my head that tell the other voices what to do are mean. #Quote by Stanley Victor Paskavich
Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
#101. HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death) #Quote by Terry Pratchett
Humor quotes by Michael Rossi
#102. Before we move forward, your first step should be to summon up your inner sadist. You don't have an inner sadist? Bullshit… Everyone wants to witness a train wreck, even if they peek at it through their fingers. Actually, you will need to imagine that the train is full of children and baby pandas as it smashes into a bus teeming with elderly churchgoers on a sunny Sunday afternoon. #Quote by Michael Rossi
Humor quotes by Sara Teasdale
#103. I make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes. #Quote by Sara Teasdale
Humor quotes by Jerry Coleman
#104. Thomas is racing for it, but McCovey is there and can't get his glove to it. That play shows the inexperience, not on Thomas' part, but on the part of Willie McC ... well, not on McCovey's part either. #Quote by Jerry Coleman
Humor quotes by Alida Nugent
#105. Really, I want you to finish this book feeling like we could become friends, if the timing was right. That's it. Oh, and by the way, you should drink while you're reading this book. If you want to play a drinking game, I suggest you take a shot when you feel like I am abusing commas. #Quote by Alida Nugent
Humor quotes by Gini Koch
#106. We lifted up and then bobbed.
"Back! Pull it back!" (Christopher)
"It's hard." (Kitty)
"The ground is harder!" (Christopher) #Quote by Gini Koch
Humor quotes by Jillian Dodd
#107. How come a boy can be so stupid, but a Daddy, who actually used to be a BOY himself, can be so wonderful? #Quote by Jillian Dodd
Humor quotes by Peter Thiel
#108. in order to be happy, every individual needs to have goals whose attainment requires effort.

Kaczynski argued that modern people are depressed because all the world's hard problems have already been solved. What's left to do is either easy or impossible, and pursuing those tasks is deeply unsatisfying. What you can do, even a child can do; what you can't do, even Einstein couldn't have done. #Quote by Peter Thiel
Humor quotes by Jennifer Stone
#109. One parody is worth a thousand polemics ... #Quote by Jennifer Stone
Humor quotes by Michelle Rowen
#110. No ... I ... I had this spicy Mexican food last night. It's only a bad case of heartburn. I don't need an exorcism. i need some Pepto-Bismo! #Quote by Michelle Rowen
Humor quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
#111. I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?" #Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
Humor quotes by Mignon McLaughlin
#112. In the theater, as in life, we prefer a villain with a sense of humor to a hero without one. #Quote by Mignon McLaughlin
Humor quotes by Genesis Quihuis
#113. A liar with a pen is a writer #Quote by Genesis Quihuis
Humor quotes by J.D. Robb
#114. I hate patience. Slows everything down. #Quote by J.D. Robb
Humor quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
#115. My wife made me join a bridge club ... I jump off next Tuesday. #Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
Humor quotes by Maggie Stiefvater
#116. Gansey studied Adam's erratic handwriting. His letters always looked like they were running from something. #Quote by Maggie Stiefvater
Humor quotes by Agnes Repplier
#117. It is not every tourist who bubbles over with mirth, and that unquenchable spirit of humor which turns a trial into a blessing. #Quote by Agnes Repplier
Humor quotes by Shelly Crane
#118. I'm a virgin, Ariel," I whispered conspiratorially. "Sealed up like a Swiss bank account. #Quote by Shelly Crane
Humor quotes by Aaron Dennis
#119. I shove round pegs in square holes. #Quote by Aaron Dennis
Humor quotes by Rick Riordan
#120. My mother made a squeaking sound that might of been either "yes" or "help".
Poseidon took it as a yes and came in.
Paul was looking back and forth between us, trying to read our expressions.
Finally he stepped forward.
"Hi, I'm Paul Blofis."
Poseidon raised an eyebrow and then shook his hand.
"Blowfish, did you say?"
"Ah, no. Blofis, actually."
"Oh, I see," Poseidon said. "A shame. I quite like blowfish. I am Poseidon."
"Poseidon? That's an interesting name."
"Yes, I like it. I've gone by other names, but I do prefer Poseidon."
"Like the god of the sea."
"Very much like that, yes"
"Well!" My mother interrupted. "Um, were so glad you could drop by. Paul, this is Percy's father."
"Ah." Paul nodded, though he didn't look real pleased. "I see."
Poseidon smiled at me. "There you are, my boy. And Tyson, hello, son!"
"Daddy!" Tyson [shouted]...
Paul's jaw dropped. He stared at my mother. "Tyson is..."
"Not mine," she promised. "It's a long story. #Quote by Rick Riordan
Humor quotes by E.A. Bucchianeri
#121. (The Mona Lisa), that really is the ugliest portrait I've seen, the only thing that supposedly makes it famous is the mystery behind it, Katherine admitted as she remembered her trips to the Louvre and how she shook her head at the poor tourists crowding around to see a jaundiced, eyebrow-less lady that reminded her of tight-lipped Washington on the dollar bill. Surely, they could have chosen a better portrait of the First President for their currency? #Quote by E.A. Bucchianeri
Humor quotes by Honore De Balzac
#122. The duchess turned on Eugène with one of those insolent stares that envelop a man from head to foot, flatten him out, and leave him at zero. #Quote by Honore De Balzac
Humor quotes by Mary Roach
#123. Constipation ran Presley's life. Even his famous motto TCB -  'Taking Care of Business' -  sounds like a reference to bathroom matters. #Quote by Mary Roach
Humor quotes by Robyn Peterman
#124. We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop. #Quote by Robyn Peterman
Humor quotes by Eve Masters
#125. Oh get over it Cecilia! You are no longer human. Such decorum doesn't exist amongst our kind #Quote by Eve Masters
Humor quotes by Michael J. Sullivan
#126. It was a trap after all," Alric said. He turned to Royce. "My apologies for doubting your sound paranoia. #Quote by Michael J. Sullivan
Humor quotes by Kyle Chandler
#127. Sometimes a scene may be about one thing, and it may end up still being about that, but the emotionality of it comes from somewhere else, or the humor of it comes from somewhere else, and it gives it that real-life quality. #Quote by Kyle Chandler
Humor quotes by Neil Leckman
#128. They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!! #Quote by Neil Leckman
Humor quotes by Wendelin Van Draanen
#129. So there I was, with the two hottest girls on campus, having lunch. I was "the man", the envy of every other guy in our school.
Buddy, I was miserable."
-Bryce Loski #Quote by Wendelin Van Draanen
Humor quotes by Kurt Vonnegut
#130. The brainless serenity of charwomen and janitors working late at night came over us. In a messy world we were at least making our little corner clean. #Quote by Kurt Vonnegut
Humor quotes by William Ritter
#131. To the attention of the New Fiddleham Police Department: You've got my middle-C, and I would like it back.

...

Please return Jackaby's tuning fork. He's getting even more obnoxious than usual. #Quote by William Ritter
Humor quotes by Steven Wright
#132. I bought a cheap piece of land ... It was on someone else's property. #Quote by Steven Wright
Humor quotes by Kevin Hart
#133. Some sarcasm is best told simply. Some humor is best told big and some is best told small. #Quote by Kevin Hart
Humor quotes by Steve Niles
#134. The climate of Barrow is Arctic. Temperatures range from cold as shit to fucking freezing. #Quote by Steve Niles
Humor quotes by Ian McClellan
#135. I continued toward Atlanta with a Merle Haggard C.D. playing on the stereo. They weren't great hosts, but those guys in The Ted Kaczynski Fan Club had great taste in music. It was all classic country music- none of that sissy, boy-band country that they played on the radio all the time. I drove down the road while Merle preferred to just stay where he was and drink. #Quote by Ian McClellan
Humor quotes by Emo Philips
#136. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. #Quote by Emo Philips
Humor quotes by Kai Leakes
#137. Oooo wee! You see that chump go flying? Look'eah, nothing like charred demon to make a brotha feel right. - Calvin Freeman (Sineaters‬:Devotion Book One) #Quote by Kai Leakes
Humor quotes by Daniel H. Wilson
#138. See you in the funny pages...mate #Quote by Daniel H. Wilson
Humor quotes by Karin Slaughter
#139. There was no part of this house that felt inviting. Paul's cold, calculating hand could be seen behind every choice. The concrete on the entryway floor was polished to a dark mirror straight out of Snow White. The spiral stairs looked like a robot's asshole. The endless white walls made Lydia feel like she was trapped inside a straightjacket. The sooner she was out of here the better. #Quote by Karin Slaughter
Humor quotes by MaryJanice Davidson
#140. You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull. #Quote by MaryJanice Davidson
Humor quotes by S.J. Molloy
#141. He gives. I take.
He bangs. I rock.
He slams. I shatter.
He throws. I push.
He grinds. I buckle.
He pants. I puff.
He wheezes. I gasp.
He growls. I scream.
He f*cks me like we're porn stars. ~Lexi #Quote by S.J. Molloy
Humor quotes by Jerry Falwell
#142. I am convinced that America can be turned around if we will all get serious about the Master's business. It may be late, but it is never too late to do what is right. We need an old-fashioned, God-honoring, Christ-exalting revival to turn American back to God. America can be saved! #Quote by Jerry Falwell
Humor quotes by Eric Liu
#143. There was an omnivorous intellect that won him the family sobriquet of Walking Encyclopedia. #Quote by Eric Liu
Humor quotes by Bob Talbert
#144. Have you noticed that even the busiest people are never too busy to take time to tell you how busy they are? #Quote by Bob Talbert
Humor quotes by Charlaine Harris
#145. Eric moved the broom experimentally and made an attempt to sweep the glass into the pan while it lay in the middle of the floor. Of course, the pan slid away. Eric scowled.
I'd finally found something Eric did poorly. #Quote by Charlaine Harris
Humor quotes by Winston S. Churchill
#146. This paper, by its very length, defends itself from ever being read. #Quote by Winston S. Churchill
Humor quotes by R. Newman
#147. Your clear conscience is due to a poor memory. #Quote by R. Newman
Humor quotes by Paul Griffin
#148. I bet when you hold hands with a girl that cool you wonder if it's possible you're going to levitate like that one of them monks I saw on a TV commercial once, which don't you wish that was real?
- Mack #Quote by Paul Griffin
Humor quotes by Orson Scott Card
#149. It was all your genes that made us geniuses, mom. said peter. we sure didn't get any from dad.
i heard that. father said, not looking up from the news that was being displayed on the table while he ate
it would've been wasted if you hadn't #Quote by Orson Scott Card
Humor quotes by Jen Selinsky
#150. I want to read the entire dictionary, but I am afraid that someone is going to spoil the ending! #Quote by Jen Selinsky
Humor quotes by Gregory David Roberts
#151. Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business #Quote by Gregory David Roberts
Humor quotes by Orosa Nakpil Malate
#152. Our mind speaks by the lips, but, our Hearts speaks through our actions. #Quote by Orosa Nakpil Malate
Humor quotes by Franke James
#153. If people can be convinced to pick up dog sh*t, who knows what social change is possible? #Quote by Franke James
Humor quotes by Drew Barrymore
#154. Girls want to be with guys who have a sense of humor-it makes them far more attractive to us. #Quote by Drew Barrymore
Humor quotes by Yelle Hughes
#155. Traveling through space is for the birds. I'm bored ... should've brought the wife.
Poseidon, the Okeanos Pantheon. #Quote by Yelle Hughes
Humor quotes by Leigh Bardugo
#156. I rolled my eyes. "For defending my honor, you dullard."
He yanked me beneath a shadowed awning. I had a moment's panic when I thought he'd spotted trouble, but then his arms were around me and his lips were pressed to mine.
When he finally drew back, my cheeks were warm and my legs had gone wobbly.
"Just to be clear," he said, "I'm not really interested in defending your honor."
"Understood," I managed, hoping I didn't sound too ridiculously breathless. #Quote by Leigh Bardugo
Humor quotes by Maggie Stiefvater
#157. Usually, if you ask someone on the island where they come from, they say something like Round about Skarmouth or Back side of Thisby, the hard side or Stone's throw from Tholla. But not me. I remember being small, clutching my father's lined hand, and some wind-beaten old farmer who looked like he'd been dug out of the sod asking, "Where you from, girl?" I answered, in a voice too loud for my tiny freckled self, "The Connolly House." He said ,"What's that, now?" And I replied back, "Where we Connollys live. Because I'm one." And then -- I am still a bit embarrassed about this part of it, as it speaks to a black part of my character -- added, "And you're not. #Quote by Maggie Stiefvater
Humor quotes by Lindsey Rietzsch
#158. As a society, let's all strive to make "old fashioned" the "new fashion". Husbands make it clear to your wives that you are on a mission to become her knight in shining armor. #Quote by Lindsey Rietzsch
Humor quotes by Dan Ahearn
#159. My phone started to vibrate and I flipped it open. Yes, I'm the only person that doesn't have an iPhone.
The phone talked to me. "Jackson, how's it going?"
"Hi, Echo. Veeva Stackpoole's here."
Silence. "What does she want?"
"Well, at first she wanted me to run away with her and get a lot of plastic surgery - "
"Oooo, can I come too?" she said. I love Echo so much.
"Hey, Veeva, Echo wants to come. Is that okay?"
Veeva sneered and said, "Asshole ... "
"Echo it doesn't look like we're going to go now. Veeva doesn't want to. #Quote by Dan Ahearn
Humor quotes by Helen Rowland
#160. It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others. #Quote by Helen Rowland
Humor quotes by Tom Upton
#161. Other than the voices in my head, I think I'm pretty normal. #Quote by Tom Upton
Humor quotes by Michael Grant
#162. I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it. #Quote by Michael Grant
Humor quotes by David Sedaris
#163. There's a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus "Leave me the fuck alone" comes out as "Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point. #Quote by David Sedaris
Humor quotes by Ali Harper
#164. I was just saying goodnight." Logan quipped and pecked Sienna on the cheek before slipping something in to her hand. She looked down to see it was a sleek new cellphone. He turned to leave but Mrs. Rivers interrupted him.
"Your fly is undone." She told him grimly giving him her the full extent of her medusa glare. If looks could kill, Mrs. Rivers had homicide down to a science. When had that happened? Sienna thought. Probably sometime when they were too busy pressing themselves against each other. Sienna was mortified. Logan however looked mildly amused. He zipped up his trousers and quietly thanked her.

"Oh and Logan, you left your souvenir behind." She added now giving Sienna the full extent of the medusa glare. Logan and Sienna both frowned momentarily before realizing what she meant. He snatched the condom and put it back in his pocket and quickly left the house leaving Sienna to battle with the Gorgon. #Quote by Ali Harper
Humor quotes by Jonathan Stroud
#165. Kitty shook her head. "You're wrong. Your apology isn't irrelevant and you're a fool if you can't see it. I'm grateful that you stopped Makepeace from having me killed. Now stop being such a wet blanket and try to think of something to do."
He looked at her. "Hold on - was there a thanks buried in that pile of invective? #Quote by Jonathan Stroud
Humor quotes by Robert K. Merton
#166. Anticipatory plagiarism occurs when someone steals your original idea and publishes it a hundred years before you were born. #Quote by Robert K. Merton
Humor quotes by Noel Fielding
#167. Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy. #Quote by Noel Fielding
Humor quotes by Matt Smith 11th Doctor
#168. I'm the Doctor; I'm worse than everybody's aunt! #Quote by Matt Smith 11th Doctor
Humor quotes by Dana Bennett
#169. No day should be without romance #Quote by Dana Bennett
Humor quotes by Alexandra Adornetto
#170. I honestly can't tell you. We've never had a situation like this before, "I admitted.
"So you being an angel doesn't meam ... " He hesitated.
"Doesn't mean I have an answer for everything," I concluded for him.
"I just assumed it would be one of the perks."
"Sadly, no. #Quote by Alexandra Adornetto
Humor quotes by Douglas Adams
#171. After five seconds there was a click, and the entire Universe was there in the box with him. #Quote by Douglas Adams
Humor quotes by Tarryn Fisher
#172. Sometimes I hate him. When he does the dishes, he shakes off each one before setting it in the drying rack. Water flies everywhere. A couple of drops always hit me in the face. I have to leave the room to avoid smashing a plate against his head. #Quote by Tarryn Fisher
Humor quotes by Laurel Ulen Curtis
#173. My palms were sweaty despite the aridity, and my heart beat at an accelerated pace. What if she had been kidnapped? Or momnapped. Fucking napped! #Quote by Laurel Ulen Curtis
Humor quotes by Jean Oram
#174. Shit storms are no fun to walk in with your mouth open. #Quote by Jean Oram
Humor quotes by Carroll Bryant
#175. He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke. #Quote by Carroll Bryant
Humor quotes by Oscar Wilde
#176. A grapefruit is ionly a lemon that saw an oppurtunity and took advantage of it. #Quote by Oscar Wilde
Humor quotes by Janvier Chouteu-Chando
#177. We still need to give our best to life even if we do not understand the purpose of our existence on earth. #Quote by Janvier Chouteu-Chando
Humor quotes by K.C. Wells
#178. Scuse me diary ... gotta take care of a pressing problem in my jeans right now.

Same day - later.

What? At least I didn't come over your nice, clean pages, right? #Quote by K.C. Wells
Humor quotes by Amy Lane
#179. No, Jackson, they've got a big ol' reformed-slut alarm that sounds as soon as you step foot on the ground, and then a force field shoots up, separating us and catapulting you to purgatory for the length of the service. After your first six visits, they give you the option of walking there on your own while a sorcerer whispers arcane words and tries to set me up with a doctor, because that's just how Jews roll."

"I can see your sarcasm is functioning well this morning. Isn't that going to taint the pancakes?"

Ellery struggled to keep his mouth firm. "I can make my pancakes both strawberry and sarcastic. But if you want whipped cream, you're going to have to shut up, get dressed, and let me have this. Understand? #Quote by Amy Lane
Humor quotes by John Hodgman
#180. Don't concentrate on becoming a better humor writer, just concentrate on being the best writer that you can become. If you're funny, the work will end up being funny. And if you're not funny, the work will still end up being good. Concentrate on being the most honest writer you can be, and let everything else follow--because it will. #Quote by John Hodgman
Humor quotes by Richard Ayoade
#181. Heroes hate wasting time. 'You're wasting my time,' they'll say. Yet they devote very little time to time management, and rarely consult a diary. #Quote by Richard Ayoade
Humor quotes by Jennifer L. Armentrout
#182. - My little brother craps himself."
I laughed. "- Well, maybe it's because he's, like, only one?"
"- Whatever, it's still gross. #Quote by Jennifer L. Armentrout
Humor quotes by Alan Richardson
#183. In this section you will learn how to use the tools the way that I think you will choose to use them by default. #Quote by Alan Richardson
Humor quotes by Bauvard
#184. Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time. #Quote by Bauvard
Humor quotes by Diana Wynne Jones
#185. Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs! #Quote by Diana Wynne Jones
Humor quotes by Jeff Lindsay
#186. I'm quite sure more people fake an awful lot of everyday human contact. I just fake all of it.
Dexter #Quote by Jeff Lindsay
Humor quotes by John Green
#187. Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page," Radar said. "For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I don't think it's accurate to say, 'Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, but unfortunately he has never cried. #Quote by John Green
Humor quotes by Henny Youngman
#188. The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" #Quote by Henny Youngman
Humor quotes by Shehan Karunatilaka
#189. I have no idea what the song is about, but at least it does not sound like furniture falling down stairs #Quote by Shehan Karunatilaka
Humor quotes by Steven Wright
#190. I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. #Quote by Steven Wright
Humor quotes by Josh Groban
#191. There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva #Quote by Josh Groban
Humor quotes by Gunnar Peterson
#192. The first thing people lose on a diet is their sense of humor. Keep it fun. Keep it light. #Quote by Gunnar Peterson
Humor quotes by P.C. Cast
#193. -During Thanatos's class-
Damien tapped quickly on his iPad and lifted it so we could all see: Torn Asunder=Torn To Pieces #Quote by P.C. Cast
Humor quotes by Carroll Bryant
#194. Don't bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out. #Quote by Carroll Bryant
Humor quotes by Robin Hobb
#195. Fishing and ear scratching the two reasons men were given hands. #Quote by Robin Hobb
Humor quotes by Alan Bradley
#196. I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death. #Quote by Alan Bradley
Humor quotes by Terry Goodkind
#197. Kahlan ambled toward the door. "Well, my breasts aren't as large as yours Berdine." She slowed as she passed Raina. "I think Raina's hands would fit mine better. #Quote by Terry Goodkind
Humor quotes by Nicole McKay
#198. The man you're going to marry should be like a brick: strong, sturdy, supportive and almost always hard in your presence. #Quote by Nicole McKay
Humor quotes by Angel Martinez
#199. If you walk out on him, I will beat you so hard your great-grandchildren will feel it. #Quote by Angel Martinez
Humor quotes by Chuck Klosterman
#200. Tall people are naturally confident. History has proven this - Alexander the Great, Wilt Chamberlain, Gisele. #Quote by Chuck Klosterman

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