Humor President Quotes

#1. If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read President Can't Swim. #Quote by Lyndon B. Johnson

#2. The president of General Motors was in a foul humor. #Quote by Arthur Hailey

#3. In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. #Quote by George Carlin

#4. We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself. #Quote by Robin Williams

#5. Caesar Flickerman asks if the president has a date in mind.
"Oh, before we set a date, we better clear it with Katniss's mother," says the president. The audience gives a big laugh and the president puts his arm around me. "Maybe if the whole country puts its mind to it, we can get you married before you're thirty."
"You'll probably have to pass a new law," I say with a giggle.
"If that's what it takes," says the president with conspiratorial good humor.
Oh, the fun we two have together. #Quote by Suzanne Collins

#6. The man's [Bush] embarrassing. He's not my president and he never will be either. #Quote by Julia Roberts

#7. Humor is reason gone mad. #Quote by Groucho Marx

#8. No foreign policy can be sustained in the United States of America without the informed consent of the American people. And informed means just that, successes and failure, a realistic assessment of where we are and what the president plans to do about it. #Quote by Joe Biden

#9. I hate it when I go into a Snack Shack and they're out of Blue Ice. The other slushie flavors taste like cheap candy. #Quote by Daven Anderson

#10. No one, I fancy, would discredit a story that the Archbishop of Canterbury slipped on a banana skin merely because he found that a similar comic mishap had been reported of many people, and especially of elderly gentlemen of dignity. #Quote by J.R.R. Tolkien

#11. My dick's wisdom impeded my ability to have meaningless intercourse. #Quote by John Duover

#12. To keep up appearances, I stomp my room and slam the door. #Quote by Laurie Halse Anderson

#13. Do Dragons eat Mexican?" Hank wondered out loud.
"Dude, they eat people. Mexican is a vast improvement over people. #Quote by Robyn Peterman

#14. A new day always forgives you, unless it's raining and you wake up in jail. #Quote by Bob Thurber

#15. For some the journey of highschool was probably pleasent or easy like swimming down a stream or walking down the street, but for me it was like climbing up a muddy hill ... while its raining ... with no shoes. #Quote by Elizabeth S. Rolph

#16. President Kennedy is very democratic and very penetrating. #Quote by Marilyn Monroe

#17. It's the only thing sexier than a sexy woman. A sexy woman cooking fuckin' sausages. #Quote by Roddy Doyle

#18. Today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders. #Quote by Jay Leno

#19. So long as you have courage and a sense of humor, it is never too late to start life afresh. #Quote by Freeman Dyson

#20. I am acutely aware that you have not elected me as your President by your ballots, so I ask you to confirm me with your prayers. #Quote by Gerald R. Ford

#21. He was a caricature of a caricature of a loser. #Quote by Ann Brashares

#22. The pain of an unpublished manuscript is akin to the trauma of bearing an unborn. #Quote by Anurag Shourie

#23. In a speech at the just-concluded G20 summit in London, President Obama urged Americans not to let their fears crimp their spending. It would be unwise, he argued, for Americans to let the fear of job loss, lack of savings, unpaid bills, credit card debt or student loans deter them from making major purchases. According to the president, 'we must spend now as an investment for the future' ... instead of saving for the future, we must spend for the future. #Quote by Peter Schiff

#24. Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator. #Quote by David Letterman

#25. Sophie don't do nothing Sophie don't want. #Quote by Thea Harrison

#26. Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger. #Quote by Bill Cosby

#27. When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. #Quote by H.L. Mencken

#28. She is smart. She is principled. She is tough, and she is ready. Hillary is the single most experienced and prepared person who has ever run for president. #Quote by Leon Panetta

#29. All lines are gray in the dark. #Quote by Nenia Campbell

#30. My acupuncturist once told me that it doesn't have to hurt to work. She might have meant the needles, but I think she really meant love. #Quote by Erica Goros

#31. We could, you know, go out for hot dogs. Don't worry - they're not actually dogs. It's just a name. They're these meat things that you put on buns - that's a kind of bread - and then you top them with other things and - "

"I know what a hot dog is," interrupted Mark.

"You do?" I asked, legitimately surprised. "How?"

"We're not that remote. We have TV and movies. Besides, I've left Siberia, you know. I've been to the U.S."

"Really? Did you try a hot dog?"

"No," he said. "I was offered one … but it didn't look that appetizing."

"What!" I exclaimed. "Blasphemy. They're delicious."

"Aren't they compressed animal parts?" he pushed.

"Well, yeah… I think so. But so is sausage."

Mark shook his head. "I don't know. Something's just not right about a hot dog."

"Not right? I think you mean so right. #Quote by Richelle Mead

#32. But in such cases as these a good memory is unpardonable. #Quote by Jane Austen

#33. ... zebra crossings were rather like Bosnia's "safe zones": places where, if you die, you may simply die with the knowledge that your killer was in the wrong. #Quote by Lucy Wadham

#34. Mad! Quite mad!' said Stalky to the visitors, as one exhibiting strange beasts. 'Beetle reads an ass called Brownin', and M'Turk reads an ass called Ruskin; and-'
'Ruskin isn't an ass,' said M'Turk. 'He's almost as good as the Opium-Eater. He says we're "children of noble races, trained by surrounding art." That means me, and the way I decorated the study when you two badgers would have stuck up brackets and Christmas cards. Child of a noble race, trained by surrounding art, stop reading or I'll shove a pilchard down your neck! #Quote by Rudyard Kipling

#35. The truth is schizophrenic and has as many faces as there are people. #Quote by Roel Hollander

#36. My dearest girl,' said the vampire finally, examining Lord Maccon with an exhausted but appreciative eye, 'such a banquet. Never been one to favor werewolves myself, but he is very well equipped, now, is he not?'
Miss Tarabotti gave him an arch look. 'My goodies,' she warned.
Humans,' chuckled the vampire, 'so possessive. #Quote by Gail Carriger

#37. Some people find it comfortable to go through life on their knees, and good luck to them, but I prefer to keep my spine in the position nature intended. #Quote by Beryl Bainbridge

#38. I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race ... #Quote by Henny Youngman

#39. I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit. #Quote by Mel Brooks

#40. I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. #Quote by Steven Wright

#41. The truth is like sunlight: It causes cancer. #Quote by J. Richard Singleton

#42. We expect candor and transparency from the president, from the administration. #Quote by Mitt Romney

#43. Is he a scumbag in training?" Richard glanced at the gunman. "At least have the decency to hold the gun properly, you fool. If you don't know how, pass it to someone who does. I'm not going to suffer being shot at by anything less than a full- fledged lowlife. (Richard) #Quote by Ilona Andrews