Humor Humour Quotes

Top 100 famous quotes & sayings about Humor Humour.

Famous Quotes About Humor Humour

Here are best 100 famous quotes about Humor Humour that you can use to show your feeling, share with your friends and post on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and blogs. Enjoy your day & share your thoughts with perfect pictures of Humor Humour quotes.

Humor Humour quotes by Dianna Hardy
#1. Always. There is always time for jokes. As my father would say, humour is the spark that lights every dark. #Quote by Dianna Hardy
Humor Humour quotes by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#2. A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people. #Quote by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Humor Humour quotes by MaryJanice Davidson
#3. You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull. #Quote by MaryJanice Davidson
Humor Humour quotes by Matt Smith 11th Doctor
#4. I'm the Doctor; I'm worse than everybody's aunt! #Quote by Matt Smith 11th Doctor
Humor Humour quotes by John Green
#5. Ben, there are more important things going on," I answered.
"You're my designated driver! Yes! You are so designated! I love that you answered! That's so awesome! I have to be home by six! And I designate you to get me there! YESSSSSSS!"
"Can't you just spend the night there?" I asked.
"NOOOO! Booooo. Booo on Quentin. Hey, everybody! Boooo Quentin!" And then I was booed. "Everybody's drunk. Ben drunk. Lacey drunk. Radar drunk. Nobody drive. Home by six. Promised Mom. Boo, Sleepy Quentin! Yay, Designated Driver! YESSSS! #Quote by John Green
Humor Humour quotes by Joanne Harris
#6. Was it my fault that I got out of hand?
--Loki #Quote by Joanne Harris
Humor Humour quotes by Elizabeth Sharp
#7. Did you just seriously quote Grease? I think I'm gonna have to revoke your man card. #Quote by Elizabeth Sharp
Humor Humour quotes by Shelly Laurenston
#8. Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood. #Quote by Shelly Laurenston
Humor Humour quotes by Darynda Jones
#9. Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling. #Quote by Darynda Jones
Humor Humour quotes by Brett Tate
#10. The Brit's face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It's a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that looks like a rat's been gnawing on it. His beard looks like a white sneeze. The teeth are jagged and out of alignment, having opened quarts at Jiffy Quick Lube for half a decade. #Quote by Brett Tate
Humor Humour quotes by Geoffroy Birtz
#11. Nothing great is ever accomplished by following standards. #Quote by Geoffroy Birtz
Humor Humour quotes by Heather Hill
#12. The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end. #Quote by Heather Hill
Humor Humour quotes by Cory Doctorow
#13. What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning! #Quote by Cory Doctorow
Humor Humour quotes by Abraham Hicks
#14. If you'll just sit and pet your cat - or somebody's cat - find a cat, for God's sake! Find a cat! Or anything furry - and let it train you into a frequency that will cause you to allow enlightenment. #Quote by Abraham Hicks
Humor Humour quotes by Sarah J. Maas
#15. Sam's hand brushed her shoulder, and she almost jumped out of her skin as he brought his mouth close to her ear and murmured, "You look beautiful. Though I bet you already know that." She most certainly did. #Quote by Sarah J. Maas
Humor Humour quotes by May Sinclair
#16. You can't conceive the perverse ingenuity he could put into hiding his affections. #Quote by May Sinclair
Humor Humour quotes by Aravind Adiga
#17. Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted. #Quote by Aravind Adiga
Humor Humour quotes by C. JoyBell C.
#18. I think people don't think I work, because I wear stilettos and look damn fine. But that's discrimination against stilettos and against looking damn fine! And I object to this form of discrimination! #Quote by C. JoyBell C.
Humor Humour quotes by Patrick Rothfuss
#19. With his eyes and those hands there won't be a woman safe in all the world when he starts hunting after the ladies.'
'Courting, dear,' my father corrected gently.
'Semantics,' she shrugged. #Quote by Patrick Rothfuss
Humor Humour quotes by Sinclair Lewis
#20. Humor is next to Godliness. #Quote by Sinclair Lewis
Humor Humour quotes by Dylan Perry
#21. Corvid looked up at her. "Oh, hello Doris."
"Gertie, dear," she said. "They call me Gertie."
"You used to be Doris," Corvid said as a matter of fact.
"Who?" She seemed unsure of what she was being told.
"Doris, daughter of Oceanus and Tethys?" Corvid carried on when he saw her blank expression. "You must remember Nereus? Your husband?"
"You gave birth to fifty sea nymphs. I guess sea nymphs come out slippy and hydrodynamic, but even so, fifty of them? That must stick in the memory as the day before you felt really sore for a month or so?"
Doris thought about it for a moment. "It does ring a bell. Sorry, who are you? #Quote by Dylan Perry
Humor Humour quotes by Mark Haddon
#22. Prime numbers are useful for writing codes and in America they are classed as Military Material and if you find one over 100 digits you have to tell the CIA and they buy it off you for $10,000. But it would not be a very good way of making a living. #Quote by Mark Haddon
Humor Humour quotes by S.W. Lothian
#23. You could have heard a bee fluff #Quote by S.W. Lothian
Humor Humour quotes by Benny Bellamacina
#24. Eat ten of your five a day and live twice as long #Quote by Benny Bellamacina
Humor Humour quotes by Sebastien De Castell
#25. Your ancient enemy is basically just a really, really big squirrel #Quote by Sebastien De Castell
Humor Humour quotes by Kenneth Oppel
#26. Individuality: ten. Cautiousness: three. Combativeness: nine." She looked over and gave me a wink. "Well, what did you expect from a pirate's daughter? Hope: eight. Amativeness. What's that?"
Kate acutally blushed. "I think it has something to do with your attractiveness to the opposite sex."
"Ten," said Nadira, smiling modestly.
(Skybreaker by Kenneth Oppel) #Quote by Kenneth Oppel
Humor Humour quotes by Benny Bellamacina
#27. Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail backwards #Quote by Benny Bellamacina
Humor Humour quotes by James Dashner
#28. Rose took my nose, I suppose," he repeated; the bubble of phlegm in his throat made a disgusting crackle. "And it really blows. #Quote by James Dashner
Humor Humour quotes by Diana Rowland
#29. Just because I'm insane doesn't mean I have to act all crazy. #Quote by Diana Rowland
Humor Humour quotes by Geoff Dyer
#30. In the cramped confines of the toilet I had trouble getting out of my wet trousers, which clung to my legs like a drowning man. The new ones were quite complicated too in that they had more legs than a spider; either that or they didn't have enough legs to get mine into. The numbers failed to add up. Always there was one trouser leg too many or one of my legs was left over. From the outside it may have looked like a simple toilet, but once you were locked in here the most basic rules of arithmetic no longer held true. #Quote by Geoff Dyer
Humor Humour quotes by Eric Rudolph
#31. The profilers' plan to coax me out of the woods resembled a comedy skit. During their search of my Cane Creek trailer, the feds had found dozens of books on the Civil War. And interviews with my friends confirmed that I was a bona fide Civil War buff. The profilers looked at all this Civil War "stimuli" and concluded that my hiding in the mountains was a form of role-playing. Starring in my own Civil War fantasy, I was a lone rebel fighting for the Lost Cause, and the task force was a Yankee army out to capture me. To talk On August 16, the task force pulled out of the woods while Bo and his rebels went in. They had to look the part, so the FBI profilers dressed them in white hats with the word "REBEL" stenciled in red letters across the front; and around their neck each rebel wore a Confederate flag into surrendering, they needed some of my rebel comrades to convince me that
the war was over and it was time to lay down my arms. Colonel Gritz and his crew were assigned the role of my rebel comrades. They were there to "rescue" me from the Yankee horde.

Bo's band of rebels pitched camp down in Tusquitee, north of the town of Hayesville. Beginning at Bob Allison Campground – the place where I'd abandoned Nordmann's truck – they worked their way west into the Tusquitee Mountains. They walked the trails, blowing whistles and yelling "Eric, we're here with Bo Gritz to save you." They searched for a week.

I lost it when I heard on the radio th #Quote by Eric Rudolph
Humor Humour quotes by Lucy Holliday
#32. Oh, well, I know that Libby." He rolls his eyes. "I've never met anyone more committed to, well, life that you are."
"Really?" I swallow rather hard. "Even though I keep on screwing my life up?"
"Sweetheart, precisely because you keep screwing your life up! I mean look at you. You had the crappiest career eve in the world before you turned everything around and became this shit-hot jewellery designer. You set your head on fire with a cigarette and ended up being utterly adored by the guy who had to put you out... And I do adore you, by the way," he adds, in a nonchalant sort of way, "in case you ever had wondered. Oh, and then there's your love of life. Loads of girls would have just sunk... #Quote by Lucy Holliday
Humor Humour quotes by John Swartzwelder
#33. This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days. #Quote by John Swartzwelder
Humor Humour quotes by Kevin Hearne
#34. No. See, when you throw up you're vomiting, but when you throw down you're starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet."
"Ohhhh," he said. "I thought you were speaking literally."
"I do beg your pardon. Let's literally throw up, but figuratively throw down. #Quote by Kevin Hearne
Humor Humour quotes by Bruce Coville
#35. Hey, Geekoid!" yelled Duncan Dougal, "Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV? #Quote by Bruce Coville
Humor Humour quotes by E.A. Bucchianeri
#36. I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the greatest artistic minds of the world? #Quote by E.A. Bucchianeri
Humor Humour quotes by Tovaley B. Kysel
#37. You could've turned the air conditioning on!" Evaline said from down the hall.
"Oh! You let Sophie turn the AC on but I can't!" Paisley shouted back.
"You're surrounded by spirits! You should be cold enough!" - Evaline #Quote by Tovaley B. Kysel
Humor Humour quotes by Maureen Johnson
#38. I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships. #Quote by Maureen Johnson
Humor Humour quotes by David Eddings
#39. I thought the trees down in Lady Zelana's country were about as big as a tree could get," he said, "but the ones around here are so tall that they probably tickle the moon's tummy when she goes by. #Quote by David Eddings
Humor Humour quotes by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#40. 98% of politicians are either corrupt or corruptible. #Quote by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Humor Humour quotes by Sherrilyn Kenyon
#41. I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die. #Quote by Sherrilyn Kenyon
Humor Humour quotes by Gemma Halliday
#42. That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!! #Quote by Gemma Halliday
Humor Humour quotes by Leonard Mokos
#43. Lost race?" The Prince studied Orayna, trying to see something inhuman in her. "Why have I never heard of these 'Rathiuel'?"
"Because," Azaroth rapped his knuckles on the Prince's skull, "you do not care to read. #Quote by Leonard Mokos
Humor Humour quotes by Fakeer Ishavardas
#44. Please pardon me if I have somehow overlooked you. Normally I am rather conscientious about all jokes. I apologize if I have yet not gotten to you. I will, soon. So, please don't lose faith in me. Or my jokes. #Quote by Fakeer Ishavardas
Humor Humour quotes by A. Dalcourt
#45. No sense in settling for mediocre minions #Quote by A. Dalcourt
Humor Humour quotes by John Biggins
#46. It is a curiously moving experience, to hear 350 sailors uttering the words "Oh shit!" in eleven different languages. #Quote by John Biggins
Humor Humour quotes by Bill Bryson
#47. The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is of course as it should be. #Quote by Bill Bryson
Humor Humour quotes by Graham Greene
#48. Whew,' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did. #Quote by Graham Greene
Humor Humour quotes by Jefferson Smith
#49. She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet. #Quote by Jefferson Smith
Humor Humour quotes by Terry Pratchett
#50. You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
'What if she cuts herself?'
Humor Humour quotes by John Bellairs
#51. Nahum bobbed again. 'My crest is cropped by croaking cranes. I go to drown in doleful dumps, dead-drunk with drearihead. #Quote by John Bellairs
Humor Humour quotes by Juliet Blackwell
#52. You're going to the ball?" Luc asked. "Need an escort?"
"I appreciate the offer, but I hear it's all the rage to go stag."
He raised his eyebrows.
"Besides, I think your brother might take it amiss."
"I thought you two were... taking a break?"
"I'd like to wait and see. He's only gone for a couple of weeks."
"I'll take you," Aidan interrupted again. "I was planning on going, myself."
"Dude, I'll take you," echoed Conrad from his seat at the counter.
"Thanks guys." I had to smile. This for a witch who was quite literally banned from any and all high school dances. "But, really, I sort of like the idea of going solo."
Just then we all looked around as the bell on the front door tinkled again, this time announcing the arrival of Inspector Carlos Romero.
"Blessed goddess!" Bronwyn exclaimed, throwing up her hands. "Don't tell me you're here to ask Lily out as well? I'm beginning to feel like a dueña."
"No," Carlos said, looking puzzled. #Quote by Juliet Blackwell
Humor Humour quotes by Dianne F. Gray
#53. You know, bullying," her mother began. "I see it every day. Kids get bullied at school, they get cyber bullied, text bullied, Myface bullied."
"Oh, God!" Arista groaned. "It's My Space or Facebook. Not Myface. #Quote by Dianne F. Gray
Humor Humour quotes by Neil Gaiman
#54. Note for Americans and other aliens: Milton Keynes is a new city approximately halfway between London and Birmingham. It was built to be modern, efficient, healthy, and, all in all, a pleasant place to live. Many Britons find this amusing. #Quote by Neil Gaiman
Humor Humour quotes by Darren Shan
#55. Because we live in a world under siege," I say. "Life sucks for mages and magicians- you taught me that. Bad things happen to those of us who get involved, but if we didn't fight, we'd be in an even worse state. None of it it's your fault, any more than it's the fault of the moon or the stars."
Dervish nods slowly, then arches an eyebrow "The moon or the stars?"
"I always get poetic when I'm dealing with self-pitying simpletons. #Quote by Darren Shan
Humor Humour quotes by Charlie Brooker
#56. If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that "says something" about your personality, don't bother. You don't have a personality. A mental illness, maybe - but not a personality. #Quote by Charlie Brooker
Humor Humour quotes by Tommy Cotton
#57. If I had followed every urge I ever had, I would have had much more sex and killed a lot more people #Quote by Tommy Cotton
Humor Humour quotes by Benny Bellamacina
#58. The sun doesn't live in England; it comes here on holiday when we're all at work. #Quote by Benny Bellamacina
Humor Humour quotes by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#59. Not all good things are good for us. #Quote by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Humor Humour quotes by Joanna Russ
#60. Civilization must be preserved,' says he.
'Civilization's doing fine,' I said. 'We just don't happen to be where it is. #Quote by Joanna Russ
Humor Humour quotes by Honeya
#61. Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u.. #Quote by Honeya
Humor Humour quotes by David Foster Wallace
#62. In short, not only was it surprising to be greeted in person with such enthusiastic words, but it was doubly surprising when the person reciting these words displayed the same kind of disengagement as, say, the checkout clerk who utters the words 'Have a nice day' while her expression indicates that it's really a matter of total indifference to her whether you drop dead in the parking lot outside ten seconds from now. #Quote by David Foster Wallace
Humor Humour quotes by -Eric Foreman That 70's Show
#63. The way I see it: Why get out of bed when you can read about people who got out of bed? #Quote by -Eric Foreman That 70's Show
Humor Humour quotes by Athan Fletcher
#64. Whilst my god is known for his sense of humour, I don't think it extends as far as to save us from death just to kill us as soon as we wake up. #Quote by Athan Fletcher
Humor Humour quotes by James Hetfield
#65. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore. #Quote by James Hetfield
Humor Humour quotes by Honeya
#66. Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her. #Quote by Honeya
Humor Humour quotes by Scott Lynch
#67. If you're going to live here, staying civil is as much a duty as sitting the steps or washing dishes. Now, while I bask in the glow of another moral sermon delivered with the precision of a master fencer, hold your applause and let's get back to last night. #Quote by Scott Lynch
Humor Humour quotes by Lindsay Buroker
#68. What is it, you ask?" Kali said, trying to cover her surprise with nonchalant words. "I haven't thought of a name yet. Got any ideas?"
"Shit," the pirate said, said of. The gag made elocution difficult.
"That wouldn't impress anyone at the patent office. #Quote by Lindsay Buroker
Humor Humour quotes by B. Justin Shier
#69. I spilled my cup of coffee straight onto my crotch. Superior heat retention has its drawbacks. I grimaced as the scalding liquid reached ground zero, but as I did my best to angle my jeans away from the Resnick family's last hope, my seatmate decided to dispose of her hoodie.
I juggled two pressing needs:
1) Protect the nethers.
2) Leer #Quote by B. Justin Shier
Humor Humour quotes by Ken Magee
#70. Bildon killed Tad. Look, there's his dagger hidden in the pot of semolina. There's the proof," he screamed. "It's in the pudding."

What an idiot, thought Madrick as he raced up the steps, the proof is always in the eating. #Quote by Ken Magee
Humor Humour quotes by A.J. Beirens
#71. Did god make man too perfect,
So that a piece has to be removed
through circumcision? #Quote by A.J. Beirens
Humor Humour quotes by Jack London
#72. He was a large, fleshy man, weighing at least two hundred pounds, and he quickly became a faithful representation of a quivering jelly mountain of fat. #Quote by Jack London
Humor Humour quotes by E.A. Bucchianeri
#73. Come on let's see the degree."
Katherine unrolled her scroll displaying a long declaration in Latin affixed with a red seal proclaiming her a Master of Art.
"Imagine working for years to obtain a piece of paper we can hardly read " Katherine joked.
"And to officially declare you have talent " Suzy returned. #Quote by E.A. Bucchianeri
Humor Humour quotes by Georgette Heyer
#74. Nothing more likely,"said Hannasyde. "I've got to try and rattle him."
"It's him that'll do the rattling,"said the Sergeant darkly. "he's the nearest thing to a snake I've seen outside of the Zoo. #Quote by Georgette Heyer
Humor Humour quotes by Bill Hicks
#75. You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it #Quote by Bill Hicks
Humor Humour quotes by David Wake
#76. It was during Latin that the Austro-Hungarians arrived with their dogs and zombies to kill everyone at the Eden College for Young Ladies. #Quote by David Wake
Humor Humour quotes by K.S. Marsden
#77. Hey, maybe you could invite the new guy to your party." Sarah suggested.

Mark rolled his eyes. "Sure, I'll just ask the good-looking stranger if he wants to come round to my Nanna'a and dance naked around a fire." Mark was suddenly aware of the engulfing silence.

"Who'll be naked doing what now? #Quote by K.S. Marsden
Humor Humour quotes by Gemma Halliday
#78. Caw! Caw, Hartley, caw!"
Chase narrowed his eyes again.
I nodded. Then crossed to the window again and called down to Sam. "You can quit squawking. He caught me. #Quote by Gemma Halliday
Humor Humour quotes by John Biggins
#79. I have lived now for over a century, yet I can still say with complete confidence that no one can claim to have plumbed the depths of human misery who has not shared the fore-ends of a submarine with a camel. #Quote by John Biggins
Humor Humour quotes by Charlie Brooker
#80. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me that I've got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells. #Quote by Charlie Brooker
Humor Humour quotes by Dianna Hardy
#81. What in god's name happened to your nuts?"
"They met a jet-powered water hose."
He grimaced.
"They're already healing."
A rare glint of amusement lit Lawrence's eyes. "You have balls of steel."
"You have inappropriate humour. #Quote by Dianna Hardy
Humor Humour quotes by Virginia Woolf
#82. You cannot, it seems, let children run about the streets. People who have seen them running wild in Russia say that the sight is not a pleasant one. #Quote by Virginia Woolf
Humor Humour quotes by Sherrilyn Kenyon
#83. Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt. #Quote by Sherrilyn Kenyon
Humor Humour quotes by Scott Lynch
#84. And you're the son of his youngest. He has no other children. Oh, your father's dead, by the way. Fell off a horse two years ago.'
'Good to know. #Quote by Scott Lynch
Humor Humour quotes by George Saunders
#85. Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to. #Quote by George Saunders
Humor Humour quotes by Scott Lynch
#86. What do you do,' said Jean, 'with, ah, "ungifted" children when you have them?'
'Cherish them and raise them, you imbecile. Most of them end up working for us, in Karthain and elsewhere. What did you think we'd do, burn them on a pyre?'
'Forget I asked #Quote by Scott Lynch
Humor Humour quotes by Kresley Cole
#87. They desecrate Riora's sacred temple! She will be enraged."
"Oh, gods, look at the marble. We are all beyond doomed."
"Somebody put a plant in front of it! #Quote by Kresley Cole
Humor Humour quotes by Quinn Loftis
#88. Fine, but if you get yourself killed I reserve the right to flush your ashes down the toilet while I sing the theme from Titanic. #Quote by Quinn Loftis
Humor Humour quotes by F Scott Fitzgerald
#89. . . . confirmed libertines don't reform until they're tired . . . #Quote by F Scott Fitzgerald
Humor Humour quotes by Darynda Jones
#90. Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt #Quote by Darynda Jones
Humor Humour quotes by Stephen Fry
#91. Gaia visited her daughter Mnemosyne, who was busy being unpronounceable. #Quote by Stephen Fry
Humor Humour quotes by Nancy Mitford
#92. Oh poor Octave, no luck at all, as usual," said Madame Rocher, "he is still with his regiment, still only a captain. Of course, if it hadn't been for this wretched war, he would be at least a colonel by now. #Quote by Nancy Mitford
Humor Humour quotes by Benny Bellamacina
#93. If it's taking to long to get up the career ladder, get a career lift. #Quote by Benny Bellamacina
Humor Humour quotes by Abigail Roux
#94. Zane raised his brow. "Didn't I say that yesterday?" he asked, forcing
himself to be patient. Somehow.
"You say that like you think I listen to you," Ty responded instantly, a
smile pulling at his lips. #Quote by Abigail Roux
Humor Humour quotes by Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra
#95. I swear to hold my tongue about it till the end of your worship's days, and God grant I may be able to let it out tomorrow #Quote by Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra
Humor Humour quotes by John Kennedy Toole
#96. Had that poor Reilly kook really been proud of Levy Pants? He had always said that he was. That was one good sign of his insanity. #Quote by John Kennedy Toole
Humor Humour quotes by Rosen Trevithick
#97. If you can't be of good character, write a good character. #Quote by Rosen Trevithick
Humor Humour quotes by Scott Lynch
#98. Yeah, but if I don't start my nervous pacing now, I'll never have it all done in time. #Quote by Scott Lynch
Humor Humour quotes by Milan Kundera
#99. There is nothing harder to explain than humor. #Quote by Milan Kundera
Humor Humour quotes by Kingsley Amis
#100. When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must be told. But when the ploughboy farts ... er ... keep it to yourself. #Quote by Kingsley Amis
Humor Humour quotes by Rachel Caine
#101. You're kidding," Shane said. "Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?"
"No," Claire said, "but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So ... ?"
"Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway."
"Stop making up names for him."
"What about Count Crackula?"
"Just stop. #Quote by Rachel Caine
Humor Humour quotes by Adam Rex
#102. Mark Twain said the difference between the right word and the almost right word is like the difference between lightning and the lightning bug, and people think he was good, right ? Didn't write any decent characters, as far as I can tell, but otherwise fine. #Quote by Adam Rex
Humor Humour quotes by Nick Hornby
#103. Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There's the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the too-much-happening-too-soon problem, the dismal-droop-after-a-promising-beginning problem; there's the size-doesn't-matter-except-in-my-case problem, the failing-to-deliver-the-goods problem ... and what do women have to worry about? A handful of cellulite? Join the club. A spot of I-wonder-how-I-rank? Ditto. #Quote by Nick Hornby
Humor Humour quotes by Elizabeth Sharp
#104. Well, more or less, you just got struck by lightning."
"Wait, what?" My brain stopped processing for a prolonged moment unable to wrap around that one. How the hell had that happened? "So basically I was filled with 1.21 jiggawatts?
Can I travel through time now? #Quote by Elizabeth Sharp
Humor Humour quotes by Abigail Roux
#105. I knew you'd be late," Zane commented as Ty walked past him.
"And I knew you'd still have that stick up your ass," Ty responded
with a shake of his head, not slowing as Zane spoke to him. #Quote by Abigail Roux
Humor Humour quotes by Kelly Link
#106. Picture the lobby of a hotel. [ ... ] Now fill up the lobby with dentists and superheroes. Men and women, oral surgeons, eighth-dimensional entities, mutants, and freaks who want to save your teeth, save the world, and maybe end up with a television show, too. [ ... ] Boards in the lobby list panels on advances in cosmetic dentistry, effective strategies for minimizing liability in cases of bystander hazard, presentations with titles like Spandex or Bulletproof? What Look Is Right For You? #Quote by Kelly Link
Humor Humour quotes by Roald Dahl
#107. There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose."
In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically. #Quote by Roald Dahl
Humor Humour quotes by John Lennon
#108. I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying. I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still don't know quite what I've done. I've tried to tell you what I did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I'm sorry. #Quote by John Lennon
Humor Humour quotes by Lucy Ivison
#109. I'm so sorry. I think I'm just tired."
The socially accepted excuse for being mental. #Quote by Lucy Ivison
Humor Humour quotes by P.G. Wodehouse
#110. I don't know if you have had the same experience, but the snag I always come up against when I'm telling a story is this dashed difficult problem of where to begin it. #Quote by P.G. Wodehouse
Humor Humour quotes by Marie Phillips
#111. Eros mumbled something.
"I'm sorry?" said Aphrodite.
"What would Jesus do?" said Aphrodite. "Let me tell you something. Jesus was a very good boy. He would do exactly what his mother told him to."
"Jesus was supposed to be a god, right?" said Aphrodite. "Ergo, he did revenge. All gods do revenge."
"Not exactly. He said you should turn the other-"
"What else does your Jesus say?" Aphrodite interrupted.
"I thought you didn't care."
"Let me see," said Aphrodite. "I remember. 'Honour thy father and mother'."
"One, that wasn't Jesus. And two, it's hard to honour your father when there are so many candidates for who he might be."
"That's not very nice," said Aphrodite. "You know who your father is. It's your cousin Ares."
[ ... ]
"I wish the Virgin Mary was my mother," grumbled Eros eventually. #Quote by Marie Phillips
Humor Humour quotes by Sherrilyn Kenyon
#112. If you want to know the Correct term for me, I'm a Dark-Hunter."
Nick digested that word slowly. "Which means what? You hunt darkness?"
"Yes, Nick. That's exactly what I do. There's just not enough of it." Now, there was some sarcasm you could cut with a knife. #Quote by Sherrilyn Kenyon
Humor Humour quotes by Benny Bellamacina
#113. Always skip to the pub to enjoy your barley and hops #Quote by Benny Bellamacina
Humor Humour quotes by Robert Louis Stevenson
#114. Three,' reckoned the captain, 'ourselves make seven, counting Hawkins, here. Now, about honest hands?'
Most likely Trelawney's own men, said the doctor; 'those he had picked up for himself, before he lit on Silver.'
Nay,' replied the squire. 'Hands was one of mine.'
I did think I could have trusted Hands,' added the captain. #Quote by Robert Louis Stevenson
Humor Humour quotes by Derek Landy
#115. Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!'
Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back. #Quote by Derek Landy
Humor Humour quotes by Joan Rivers
#116. I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays #Quote by Joan Rivers
Humor Humour quotes by Dianna Hardy
#117. It took Pueblo a few seconds to take in his surroundings. The first thing he realised was that he felt bruised all over; the second was that his clothes were waterlogged, even more than before, from the quicksand; and the third, was that he had landed on his front and was lying on a large, uncomfortable stone.
No, wait ... In his disoriented state, he shifted his weight. The stone didn't move. He was lying on his own fucking erection. #Quote by Dianna Hardy
Humor Humour quotes by Darynda Jones
#118. You hit me again," I said, growing oddly annoyed.
"Ya think?" Evil Riggs said. Smart-ass.
"Part of my brain hurts. I demand to know what that part of my brain is called and what its job is. #Quote by Darynda Jones
Humor Humour quotes by Aleister Crowley
#119. Don't talk for five minutes, there's a good chap! I've a strange feeling come over me
almost as if I were going to think! #Quote by Aleister Crowley
Humor Humour quotes by Terry Pratchett
#120. It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching? #Quote by Terry Pratchett
Humor Humour quotes by Derek Landy
#121. Cheer up everyone," he said, a new brightness to his voice. "Since we're all going to die horribly anyway, what's there to be worried about? #Quote by Derek Landy
Humor Humour quotes by Henry Fielding
#122. Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially by a Person of Adams's Figure, returned the Favour with so much Gratitude, that the Parson's Nostrils likewise began to look a little redder than usual. #Quote by Henry Fielding
Humor Humour quotes by Renita D'Silva
#123. You put cow dung on my face?' 'Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear? #Quote by Renita D'Silva
Humor Humour quotes by Jimmy Carr
#124. To say that 'life's a joke' is not so much to belittle life as to correctly identify the elusive nature of the joke. Jokes have the measure of us. They change in the telling, defy capture, slip through our fingers like water. And they outlast us all. They are trifles, fragments, nothings that turn out to be all that's left: the aptest metaphor for our pathetic species' struggle to survive. #Quote by Jimmy Carr
Humor Humour quotes by Alex Gabriel
#125. I saved you," Andersen said at last, slowly but firmly, like Pat was an idiot child who had to be reminded of the basic rules of the universe. To wit: Gravity exists. Time purports to flow in a linear fashion, but it's only trying to fool us. I saved you. #Quote by Alex Gabriel
Humor Humour quotes by E.A. Bucchianeri
#126. There was one new metallic monstrosity stacked in one corner that she hadn't seen the last time she was a visitor to his strange chamber, it appeared to be a mass of hard drives all fused together, but they looked too sophisticated to be merely hard drives.
"What on earth is that?"
"That's my Kung Fu," he said proudly, patting the top of the futuristic-looking stack.
"Is that what you wanted to show me?"
"No, but it's impressive, isn't it?"
"If you say so."
Steves sighed and shook his head, so few people could appreciate the intellectual complexity of an almost untraceable hacking device. #Quote by E.A. Bucchianeri
Humor Humour quotes by Stacey T. Hunt
#127. That's quite the specific search ... 'Sadistic Old-Bag-Murdering Witches' - I can't even begin to imagine what that involves. #Quote by Stacey T. Hunt
Humor Humour quotes by E.J. Wood
#128. I'd eat your face like a pack of jackals eating their stolen spoils. #Quote by E.J. Wood
Humor Humour quotes by Kate Beaton
#129. Blasted spam pigeons! #Quote by Kate Beaton
Humor Humour quotes by George W. Bush
#130. I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully. #Quote by George W. Bush
Humor Humour quotes by David Sedaris
#131. I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable. This was one of the things you were supposed to learn simply by being alive, and it angered me that the Tomkeys did not understand it. #Quote by David Sedaris
Humor Humour quotes by Scott Lynch
#132. Live snakes?' said one of the scribes. 'You mean-'
'Yeah,' said Locke. 'They've got scales, they slither around - snakes. Keep up. #Quote by Scott Lynch
Humor Humour quotes by Benny Bellamacina
#133. I've found a great hiding place for all my money, down the drain #Quote by Benny Bellamacina
Humor Humour quotes by Alex Gabriel
#134. The West Sister Dating Rules were clear on the matter of apologies. On the evolutionary scale of dating, a guy who apologized solely for the sake of ending the argument and getting back into your good graces was on the level of primeval slime - especially if he was clearly doing so merely because he was hoping for sex. The proper response was to unveil the offender's deceit by demanding he explain what exactly he was apologizing for, and then scorn him when he betrayed his ignorance. #Quote by Alex Gabriel
Humor Humour quotes by Dylan Moran
#135. And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying. #Quote by Dylan Moran
Humor Humour quotes by J.A. ANUM
#136. We left dents on each other. Mine was in her heart, and hers was on my car. #Quote by J.A. ANUM
Humor Humour quotes by Honeya
#137. If you feel that you can solve others problems, then please, work little more on your own problems and solve them first. #Quote by Honeya
Humor Humour quotes by Honeya
#138. When People in sales are at work, they are at war. #Quote by Honeya
Humor Humour quotes by Roman Payne
#139. In life, more than in anything else, it isn't easy to end up alive. #Quote by Roman Payne
Humor Humour quotes by Alexander Theroux
#140. Will I have to use a dictionary to read your book?" asked Mrs. Dodypol. "It depends," says I, "how much you used the dictionary before you read it. #Quote by Alexander Theroux
Humor Humour quotes by Brendan Lawley
#141. Your pussy is a fruit that I wanna juice
Your pussy is a fruit that I wanna juice, yeah
Put the molly in the booty, girl, we turning up tonight
Cos that pussy is a smoothie it know how to do me right. #Quote by Brendan Lawley
Humor Humour quotes by E.A. Bucchianeri
#142. I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd. #Quote by E.A. Bucchianeri
Humor Humour quotes by Sam R. August
#143. I wish I was a tree so I could reproduce asexually. #Quote by Sam R. August
Humor Humour quotes by Oleg Medvedkov
#144. When you exclude anything that is improbable, whatever is left, is not as hilarious. #Quote by Oleg Medvedkov
Humor Humour quotes by Georgette Heyer
#145. One minute he stood transfixed, the next he uttered a crushing oath, and took a hasty stride forward. Mr Ringwood, recovering from his own stupefaction, closed with him, just as George, flushing vividly, sprang to his feet.

"Sherry!" Mr Ringwood said warningly. "For God's sake, dear boy, remember where you are! You can't choke George to death here! #Quote by Georgette Heyer
Humor Humour quotes by Isla Dewar
#146. You must master the vices. You know that if a thing is worth doing it's worth doing well. If, however, a thing is not worth doing then it's worth doing fabulously, amazingly, with grace, style and panache. #Quote by Isla Dewar
Humor Humour quotes by D.M. Lee
#147. A day without someone to hold you or a day without someone to share, is a day easily forgotten.' - Vera Richardson in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots #Quote by D.M. Lee
Humor Humour quotes by Kresley Cole
#148. Torture?" she asked with a laugh. "My first piece of information I'll divulge to you? I wouldn't recommend trying to torture me. I dislike it and grow sulky under pincers.
It's a fault. #Quote by Kresley Cole
Humor Humour quotes by Harry Styles
#149. Does everyone collectively dislike beetroots? I feel like they do. #Quote by Harry Styles
Humor Humour quotes by Jack Handy
#150. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. #Quote by Jack Handy
Humor Humour quotes by Tiffany Reisz
#151. I'm currently imagining a few creative ways of causing you extraordinary amounts of pain."
Kingsley raised his chin. Mere inches separated their faces.
"Stop flirting. You know we don't have time for that. #Quote by Tiffany Reisz
Humor Humour quotes by C. JoyBell C.
#152. All I really, really want to do is find a very, very fine chocolate store that I can walk into and then figure out how in the world one manages to pick out just a few chocolates out of all those very many chocolates! If I am one day able to walk into a fine chocolate store and know for certain which chocolates I want, when that happens, I will believe myself to be accomplished! #Quote by C. JoyBell C.
Humor Humour quotes by Benny Bellamacina
#153. Old age is not just for grown up's #Quote by Benny Bellamacina
Humor Humour quotes by Courtney Cole
#154. Cheese and crackers? Really?" She looks at me skeptically. "Besides, he's not a gigolo, you prude! He's an escort. Big difference."
"An escort who, at the end of the night for a little more cash, will have sex with people. What do you call that?"
Sara's laugh has a wicked edge to it "I call it my good fortune. #Quote by Courtney Cole
Humor Humour quotes by Sunny-Drunk
#155. Do not fall in love ... it means you have to look at someone else. #Quote by Sunny-Drunk
Humor Humour quotes by Brett Tate
#156. Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher. #Quote by Brett Tate
Humor Humour quotes by Nicholas Sparks
#157. Daddy loved his son. Daddy believed his son walked on water. Daddy, Mike had long ago decided, was an idiot. #Quote by Nicholas Sparks
Humor Humour quotes by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#158. We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for. #Quote by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Humor Humour quotes by Winston S. Churchill
#159. An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it. #Quote by Winston S. Churchill
Humor Humour quotes by Diana Wynne Jones
#160. My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me. #Quote by Diana Wynne Jones
Humor Humour quotes by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#161. You cannot really shame a man who sincerely does not care what others think of him. #Quote by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Humor Humour quotes by Georgette Heyer
#162. A jaw like a mastiff's, a frame like a giant's, eyes like two daggers, a smile like a tiger's snarl,"Bernard murmured.

"Aye, he is all that!!" Master Herbert said."A murrain be on him! And when I came to him,what did I do? I did bow in all politeness, yet stiffly withal to show him I'd not brook his surliness."

"I did hear ye did bow so low that your head came below your knees,"Bernard said. #Quote by Georgette Heyer
Humor Humour quotes by Patrick Rothfuss
#163. The wild women in his lap,' my father enthused, 'laying their breasts on his head.'
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then my mother spoke slowly, with an edge to her voice. 'I think you mean "wild beasts laying their heads in his lap".'
'Do I? #Quote by Patrick Rothfuss
Humor Humour quotes by Anna Bayes
#164. I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don't think you can beat my vibrator. #Quote by Anna Bayes
Humor Humour quotes by Barbara Kingsolver
#165. The room looks as if a giant dog after a large lunch of food, socks, paints, trousers and pencils, walked into that room and vomited everywhere. #Quote by Barbara Kingsolver
Humor Humour quotes by Speranza
#166. Girls don't want boys, girls want high-speed internet and dragons. #Quote by Speranza
Humor Humour quotes by Robert Clear
#167. Whenever Elliot Norther's wife was nervous she baked. With the murder of Harriet Mason, her husband's close colleague at the Faculty, she had been unable to resist a couple of Victoria sponges. During the frenzied press speculation about the identity of the murderer, a Dundee cake had appeared, followed swiftly by a Battenberg and a Lemon Drizzle. Since news of the Wildencrust murder broke, the kitchen, dining room and study had come to resemble the storerooms of an industrial bakery, every surface heaving with the weight of sponge and cream. Yesterday, having at last been overwhelmed by the fear and rumour that swept the town, she had taken herself off to her mother's house in Hampstead, leaving her husband to soldier on alone. When he had last seen his wife, Elliot Norther noticed that she had been putting the finishing touches to an impressive, triple-tiered wedding cake, beating a batch of royal icing into a sickly paste. #Quote by Robert Clear
Humor Humour quotes by Kathy Griffin
#168. A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'! #Quote by Kathy Griffin
Humor Humour quotes by Frances Hardinge
#169. For a tiny instant Faith wondered whether it would benefit the doctor's investigation if he experienced a cliff fall first-hand. #Quote by Frances Hardinge
Humor Humour quotes by Abigail Roux
#170. Never a dull moment," he muttered. They'd been flash and
bang from the first moment they'd met.
"Yeah, well, if you weren't such a dick ... ," Ty murmured with a
small smile.
Zane snickered. "Works out well since you're an asshole."
"We're gonna have to talk about these puns." Ty groaned. #Quote by Abigail Roux
Humor Humour quotes by Tommy Cotton
#171. Shit happens. You can either stand their and complain about the smell or you can wipe your shoe and keep walking. #Quote by Tommy Cotton
Humor Humour quotes by Gerald Weaver
#172. Apparently, faith in life is one thing and faith in literature is another. #Quote by Gerald Weaver
Humor Humour quotes by Peter James West
#173. Today I tried to pick up something I was standing on. It didn't work out well. #Quote by Peter James West
Humor Humour quotes by Gerard Way
#174. Host: For those of you just tuning in, our guests tonight are the amazing Murder Magician, and his lovely minion, The Assistant ...
Assistant: Charmed, I'm sure
Host: Who recently killed The Rumor. And you were awarded the Oppenheimer prize for villainy at last week's annual summit for dastardly deeds
what are you going to do with all that money?
Murder Magician: Well, I'm so glad you asked that
because I spent all the money on this giant MURDERBOT, and I've been dying to show it off!
Assistant: It's true ... every penny.
Host: Wow! That's impressive! So what does it do?
Murder Magician: Well, Mr. Clark ... it murders people.
Murder Magician: I'm serious.
Assistant: He is. #Quote by Gerard Way
Humor Humour quotes by Rowena Cherry
#175. If you neglected to warn Djetth beforehand that you were going to shoot him down, Your Highness, he may consider you in breach of contract ...
Rhett #Quote by Rowena Cherry
Humor Humour quotes by Jakub Marian
#176. [An example of misattribution:]

If you don't know the source of a quote,
you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.

- Mark Twain #Quote by Jakub Marian
Humor Humour quotes by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#177. When it comes to things such as sugar and rice, most people believe that brown is superior to white. But when it comes to human beings, they believe that the opposite is true. #Quote by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Humor Humour quotes by Bill Hicks
#178. I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes. #Quote by Bill Hicks
Humor Humour quotes by Fakeer Ishavardas
#179. Without a sense of humour one's wisdom is but a rumour. #Quote by Fakeer Ishavardas
Humor Humour quotes by Brendan Jack
#180. As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives. #Quote by Brendan Jack
Humor Humour quotes by Keisha Keenleyside
#181. May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch #Quote by Keisha Keenleyside
Humor Humour quotes by Mira Grant
#182. No, it's the best time for jokes,' said Olivia. She forced a weak smile. 'Jokes remind us that we're alive. And that your sense of humor is terrible. #Quote by Mira Grant
Humor Humour quotes by Louise Rennison
#183. When we did eventually get to the party - me walking next to Dad's Volvo driving at five miles an hour - I had a horrible time. Everyone laughed at first but then more or less ignored me. In a mood of defiant stuffed oliveness I did have a dance by myself but things kept crashing to the floor around me. The host asked if I would sit down. I had a go at that but it was useless. In the end I was at the gate for about an hour before Dad arrived. #Quote by Louise Rennison
Humor Humour quotes by Dylan Perry
#184. I don't understand humans." Caradoc shook his head. "It takes their brightest minds decades to plan an unmanned voyage to the nearest planet, which can take a year to travel each way. Yet they expect there to be aliens travelling distances it takes light decades to reach us, just for a weekend of bum fun with a total stranger without asking their permission, before dropping them off where they found them. They're just dying to believe the weirdest, least plausible things possible. #Quote by Dylan Perry
Humor Humour quotes by Elizabeth Sharp
#185. Nate shook his head with a crooked grin. You haven't gone Back to the Future, McFly. #Quote by Elizabeth Sharp
Humor Humour quotes by Spike Milligan
#186. Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden. #Quote by Spike Milligan
Humor Humour quotes by Daniel Polansky
#187. Be careful,' I hissed, then released him. 'Keep one eye on your back, and two on your best friend.'
'That's three eyes.'
'You'll need four to survive what's coming,' I said. #Quote by Daniel Polansky
Humor Humour quotes by Jefferson Smith
#188. You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain. #Quote by Jefferson Smith
Humor Humour quotes by Matt Rudd
#189. At no point during the making of this book have I inverted my penis although I did go to Blackpool which turned out to be almost as painful. #Quote by Matt Rudd
Humor Humour quotes by Gaurav Rao
#190. Time and Tide wait for no Man; what about woman ? How Sexist ! #Quote by Gaurav Rao
Humor Humour quotes by Benny Bellamacina
#191. Life is like a one rung ladder, some days you can be on the top and bottom of the world at the same time #Quote by Benny Bellamacina
Humor Humour quotes by Maureen Johnson
#192. When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine.
"Put your clothes in for a wash," he said. "They were disgusting."
Ginny always thought that the only way of getting clothes clean was by drowning them in scalding water and then whipping them around in a violent centrifugal motion that caused the entire washing machine to vibrate and the floor to shake. You beat them clean. You made them suffer. This machine used about half a cup of water and was about as violent as a toaster, plus it stopped every few minutes, as if it were exhausted from the effort of turning itself.
Sluff, sluff, sluff sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest.
Sluff, sluff, sluff, sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest.
"Who thought to put a window on a washing machine?" Keith asked. "Does anyone just sit and watch their wash?"
You mean, besides us?"
"Well," he said, "yeah. Is there any coffee? #Quote by Maureen Johnson
Humor Humour quotes by A.J. Beirens
#193. The main causes for divorce
are marriages. #Quote by A.J. Beirens
Humor Humour quotes by Roman Payne
#194. I was glad to be made aware
that "Veimke" (jeune fille au pair),
is subject to natural law,
and can be made fat,
by such things as poor diet,
and alcohol. #Quote by Roman Payne
Humor Humour quotes by Shinba Rize
#195. Go forth my sex his virginity #Quote by Shinba Rize
Humor Humour quotes by Georgette Heyer
#196. Ferdy choked.It took a great deal of back-slapping to restore him, and when he was at last able to catch his breath again, his eyes were watering and his countenance was alarmingly flushed.
'Well, what the deuce!' exclaimed Sherry, eyeing him in surprise.
'Crumb' gasped Ferdy.
'Crumb? You weren't eating anything!'
'Must have been,' said Ferdy feebly. #Quote by Georgette Heyer
Humor Humour quotes by E.A. Bucchianeri
#197. Now Leroux, what think you
Of this twist to the story? #Quote by E.A. Bucchianeri
Humor Humour quotes by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#198. The average woman feels small whenever a man who has just walked past her does not turn his head to check out her ass, especially if it is - or if she feels that it is - big. #Quote by Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Humor Humour quotes by Volker Pispers
#199. Chancellor Gerhard Schröder has several times made statements to the effect that we Europeans should not cultivate a superficial anti-Americanism.

But mine isn't superficial at all.

Personally I have nothing against the US itself - it's a beautiful country - it's the people who live there that are the problem.

I guess you could say it's the same thing with Bavaria. #Quote by Volker Pispers
Humor Humour quotes by P.G. Wodehouse
#200. What ho!" I said.
"What ho!" said Motty.
"What ho! What ho!"
"What ho! What ho! What ho!"
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation. #Quote by P.G. Wodehouse
Humor Humour quotes by Spike Milligan
#201. Some people live a nothing life: the most important thing they ever do is die. Thank God for eccentrics! Take Gunner Octavian Neat. He would suddenly appear naked in a barrack room and say, "Does anybody know a good tailor?", or "Gentlemen – I think there's a thief in the battery." He was the bane of the Regiment. #Quote by Spike Milligan
Humor Humour quotes by M.D. Saperstein
#202. I pull out my e-reader and get back to my fictional boyfriend. Lord knows he won't cheat on me. #Quote by M.D. Saperstein
Humor Humour quotes by Mark Walden
#203. Perhaps they never left the island when construction was complete," Otto replied.
Wing raised an eyebrow. "A true job for life."
"Or a life for a job," Otto countered. He wouldn't be at all surprised, given the emphasis on total secrecy, if H.I.V.E. offered an "aggressive" retirement package for lower-level employees. Here, being fired was probably a term that was taken a little too literally. #Quote by Mark Walden
Humor Humour quotes by E. Nesbit
#204. This shows you that even mistakes are sometimes valuable, so do not be hard on grown-up people if they are wrong sometimes. #Quote by E. Nesbit
Humor Humour quotes by Dave Barry
#205. Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. #Quote by Dave Barry
Humor Humour quotes by Libba Bray
#206. He's attracted to the smell of manure," Felicity says. "You might wallow in the stables to bring out the full flower of his love. #Quote by Libba Bray
Humor Humour quotes by Kyoko M.
#207. Where are we heading?"
"The closest wooded area to here is Kenwood Academy's estate. Good place to hide, especially at night."
"If we're going into the woods, I definitely need to change."
I glanced back at her as we returned to the curb where the cab had dropped us off. "Or you could just go home."
She crossed her arms and avoided my gaze, scowling. "You're sick of me already? That must be a record."
I lifted my eyes to the heavens. Women. "This creature tore out a woman's throat and busted her chest cavity open like a piñata. I don't like the thought of it being anywhere near you."
"Did it ever occur to you that I feel the same way?"
Surprise flooded over me. "No, it…actually didn't."
"I know I'm not as strong or as smart as you are, but that doesn't mean I can't help. We're partners, aren't we?"
"Yeah," I said, and couldn't stop the smile creeping across my lips. "I guess we are."
She tossed a quick look at me and frowned. "Quit it."
"I hate it when you do that."
"You hate it when I smile?"
"No, when you make that, 'aw, she does have a heart' face. You look like a Disney prince."
I laughed. "My bad. I'll work on that. #Quote by Kyoko M.
Humor Humour quotes by Puneet Barman
#208. If someone doesn't understand something twice ,then don't waste time in explaining thrice . They would have already understood that , the first time . #Quote by Puneet Barman
Humor Humour quotes by Bill Hicks
#209. Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you! #Quote by Bill Hicks
Humor Humour quotes by Khalifa
#210. If the shoe fits wear it #Quote by Khalifa
Humor Humour quotes by Ewan McGregor
#211. I`ve got a black woolen hat and it`s got Pervert written across the front of it. It`s the name of the clothing label. And I was with my wife and my baby at the supermarket and I didn`t think. I just put my hat on Clara`s head, because it was cold. And the looks. I couldn`t figure out why I was getting death looks. And then I realized my 10-month old baby`s wearing a hat with the word Pervert written on it and these people were like, `There`s Satan! There`s Satan out with his kid!` And then I made a point of her wearing it every time we went there. #Quote by Ewan McGregor
Humor Humour quotes by John Green
#212. I don't think you're dying," I said. "I think you've just got a touch of cancer.
He smiled. Gallows humor. #Quote by John Green
Humor Humour quotes by Chelsea Handler
#213. Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor. #Quote by Chelsea Handler
Humor Humour quotes by Brian South
#214. The less one knows about meat, the more one is able to enjoy it. Meat tastes wonderful, of course, but as with the lad hawking hard-to-find wares at unbelievable prices, it's best not to ask too many questions. #Quote by Brian South
Humor Humour quotes by Janet Evanovich
#215. If I gave you a pity position it wouldn't be in my office. #Quote by Janet Evanovich
Humor Humour quotes by Terry Blakeman
#216. You can't change the cards you are dealt unless you stack the deck. #Quote by Terry Blakeman
Humor Humour quotes by Miranda Kenneally
#217. I never said this was your fault, Woods. But when did you become the Angel of Drama?" Smiling, he stares at his crossword book. "What's a five-letter word for polo participant?"
"I dunno, man…a shirt? Like a polo shirt?"
••• #Quote by Miranda Kenneally
Humor Humour quotes by Andre Agassi
#218. Sex doesn't interfere with your tennis; it's staying out all night trying to find it that affects your tennis. #Quote by Andre Agassi
Humor Humour quotes by Una LaMarche
#219. I keep my chin tucked in, eyes on the ground, the same stance I have when I pass by the guys from my neighborhood who laugh and call me Urkel because I wear a big backpack and don't hang out on the street all night smoking Kool XLs--and by the way, we need a new black nerd archetype; also, when are these wannabe gangstas watching reruns of Family Matters? #Quote by Una LaMarche
Humor Humour quotes by Loretta Swit
#220. M*A*S*H offered real characters and everybody identified with them because they had such soul. The humor was intelligent and it always assumed that you had an intellect. #Quote by Loretta Swit
Humor Humour quotes by A.A. Milne
#221. Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is. #Quote by A.A. Milne
Humor Humour quotes by Hilary Mantel
#222. They say she has all the gentlemen of the king's privy chamber, one after another. She don't like delay so they all stand in a line frigging their members, till she shouts, Next. #Quote by Hilary Mantel
Humor Humour quotes by John Wain
#223. Speak your mind, but ride a very fast horse!! #Quote by John Wain
Humor Humour quotes by Rick Riordan
#224. Rachel crossed her arms. "And the other three Oracles? I'm sure none of them was a beautiful young priestess whom you praised for her…what was it?…'scintillating conversation'?"

"Ah…" I wasn't sure why, but it felt like my acne was turning into live insects and crawling across my face. "Well, according to my extensive research - "

"Some books he flipped through last night," Meg clarified. #Quote by Rick Riordan
Humor Humour quotes by Emily Giffin
#225. He was uncomplicated and upbeat and easy. At one point, I might have thought these traits made him a simpleton, but now I think they just translate to happiness. #Quote by Emily Giffin
Humor Humour quotes by Justin Villanueva
#226. It took me a while to realize that I was beginning to flirt with her. The food must have been poisoned. #Quote by Justin Villanueva
Humor Humour quotes by Brian South
#227. This is why it is important never to pick or smell flowers, and to always wear headgear when admiring them. #Quote by Brian South
Humor Humour quotes by Bill Maher
#228. New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn't a time to push your beliefs. You don't see me handing out pot to kids ... Okay, well not the little kids. #Quote by Bill Maher
Humor Humour quotes by Neale McClintock
#229. If it ain.t broke, don't fix it! #Quote by Neale McClintock
Humor Humour quotes by Betsy Salkind
#230. I've taken up meditation. I like to have an espresso first to make it more challenging. #Quote by Betsy Salkind
Humor Humour quotes by Anne Carson
#231. That night we made love "the real way" which we had not yet attempted
although married six months.
Big mystery. No one knew where to put their leg and to this day I'm not sure
we got it right.
He seemed happy. You're like Venice he said beautifully.
Early next day
I wrote a short talk ("On Defloration") which he stole and had published
in a small quarterly magazine.
Overall this was a characteristic interaction between us.
Or should I say ideal.
Neither of us had ever seen Venice. #Quote by Anne Carson
Humor Humour quotes by R.K. Narayan
#232. One often hears of suicide pacts. It seems to me a wonderful solution, like going on a long holiday. We could sit and talk one night perhaps, and sip our glasses of milk, and maybe we should wake up in a trouble-free world. I'd propose it this very minute if I were sure you would keep the pact, but I fear that I may go ahead and you may change your mind at the last second.
'And have the responsibility of disposing of your body?' I said, which was the worst thing I could have said. #Quote by R.K. Narayan
Humor Humour quotes by Colin Nissan
Mark Twain once said, "Show, don't tell." This is an incredibly important lesson for writers to remember; never get such a giant head that you feel entitled to throw around obscure phrases like "Show, don't tell." Thanks for nothing, Mr. Cryptic. #Quote by Colin Nissan
Humor Humour quotes by Anne Gracie
#234. Did he know she could barely think, let alone speak, for awareness of proximity of his fingers?
Of course he knew. He was a rake. This is what he did. #Quote by Anne Gracie
Humor Humour quotes by Ava Gardner
#235. And the news got worse. It appeared that there was this whole other person Jesus Christ whose birthday a lot of people tended to confuse with mine. I was personally outraged. It was a long time before I forgave the Lord for that. #Quote by Ava Gardner
Humor Humour quotes by Neil Gaiman
#236. So many things to see, people to do. #Quote by Neil Gaiman
Humor Humour quotes by Amy Schumer
#237. ... and left decimated. Not for myself, but for all the single women out there trying to date. I wanted to run to the top of the Empire State Building and make an announcement to all of them to let them know they are worth so much more than this. That they don't need to wrangle some warm body to sit next to them just so they aren't alone on holidays. That they should never let a magazine or dating site or matchmaker monster tell them they're in a lower bracket of desirability because of their age or weight or face or sense of humor. #Quote by Amy Schumer
Humor Humour quotes by Kathy Reichs
#238. We're still going to Loggerhead this afternoon, right?" Hi glanced around, then dropped his voice. "For that ... home movie thing?"
I nodded. "We might as well deal with what we can. Let's take the afternoon shuttle. I'll think of an excuse for Kit, thought I'm open to suggestions."
"Ben?" Shelton asked.
"Not today. I think the two of us need a little distance."
The bell rang. We gathered our things and headed for the door.
"Tell Kit we're cutting a music video," Hi suggested as we walked. "Something real gangster, so we need to smash-cut our dance routines. Lay down some visuals. We could offer to let him rap over the second verse."
I gave him a thumbs-up. "Foolproof. Anyone need a locker stop? #Quote by Kathy Reichs
Humor Humour quotes by Cherise Sinclair
#239. Master, don't. Please."
"Please is a great word–and I intend to please. Me, for sure. Maybe even you." Lindsey and deVries #Quote by Cherise Sinclair
Humor Humour quotes by Gertrude Stein
#240. I really do not know that anything has ever been more exciting than diagramming sentences. #Quote by Gertrude Stein
Humor Humour quotes by Neal Shusterman
#241. The building was no warmer than the street outside, and it smelled like something died in there from smelling something else that died in there. #Quote by Neal Shusterman
Humor Humour quotes by William Shakespeare
#242. Wooing, wedding, and repenting is as a Scotch jig, a measure, and a cinque-pace: the first suit is hot and hasty like a Scotch jig
and full as fantastical; the wedding, mannerly modest, as a measure, full of state and ancientry; and then comes repentance and with his bad legs falls into the cinque-pace faster and faster, till he sink into his grave. #Quote by William Shakespeare

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