Funny Quotes

#1. 'And what about a [band] name?' said Tony [Iommi]. The three of us looked at each other.
'We should all take a couple of days to think about it,' I said. 'I dunno about you two, but I've got a special place where I go to get ideas for important stuff like this. It's never failed me yet.'

Forty-eight hours later I blurted out: 'I've got it!'
'Must have been that dodgy bird you poked the other night,' said Geezer. 'Has your whelk turned green yet?'
Tony and Bill snickered into their plates of egg and chips. We were sitting in a greasy spoon caff in Aston. So far, everyone was getting along famously.
'Very funny, Geezer,' I said, waving an eggy fork at him. 'I mean the name for our band.'
The snickering died down.
'Go on then,' said Tony [Iommi].
'Well, I was on the shitter last night, and...'
'That's your special place?' spluttered Bill, blobs of mushed-up egg and HP sauce flying out of his mouth.
'Where the f**k did you think it was, Bill?' I said. 'The hanging gardens of f**king Babylon? #Quote by Ozzy Osbourne

#2. There's always something funny about men chasing women. #Quote by David Spade

#3. I'm not so funny. Gilda was funny. I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while. But she was funny. She spent more time worrying about being liked than anything else. #Quote by Gene Wilder

#4. Erm…I don't know maybe for kissing me and tasting so damn delicious, maybe for holding my hand in public, maybe for looking far too hot in that sexy, snug tee when you should just be looking like Jo's little brother.
The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I chose the much more sophisticated reaction of scowling, hard. I would have kicked him again, but I was convinced he'd moved his legs out of the way. Coward." ~ Ella, A Perfect Moment #Quote by Becca Lee

#5. Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. #Quote by Steven Wright

#6. And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. #Quote by Lewis Black

#7. What's funny about opposites be that wet and dry both has water, boy and girl be about people, Heaven and Hell be the places you go when you die. They all has something in common. So they an't completely different from each other the way people think. Having the one don't mean t'other be gone. #Quote by Tracy Chevalier

#8. Unlike Tania, who was so slim, Rykoff looked as if he'd been given an order to get fat
an order he had been delighted to obey. #Quote by Henning Mankell

#9. I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won! #Quote by Mitch Hedberg

#10. I don't hate women - they just sometimes make me mad. #Quote by Eminem

#11. People notice peacemakers because they dress funny. We know how the people who make war dress - in uniforms and medals, or in computers and clipboards, or in absoluteness, severity, greed, and cynicism. But the peacemaker is dressed in righteousness, justice, and faithfulness - dressed for the work that is to be done. #Quote by Walter Brueggemann

#12. I'd basically have trouble with any job that doesn't require me to wear silly clothes and talk in funny voices. #Quote by Natalie Portman

#13. I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney. #Quote by Samuel Johnson

#14. I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration. #Quote by Aziz Ansari

#15. I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer to walk around in than it is now, and better lit. #Quote by P. J. O'Rourke

#16. I mean what good does it do anyone to kill themselves working, because the worms will get you in the end. #Quote by Dorothy Gish

#17. It's funny, you know. The times that seem so trivial end up meaning so much. #Quote by Jeffrey Blount

#18. He was funny and focused and fierce. I mean the guy could be fierce. And there wasn't anything mean about him. I didn't understand how you could live in a mean world and not have any of that meanness rub off on you. #Quote by Benjamin Alire Saenz

#19. Some things happened and some other things didn't, and at one point I found I'd gone to a place where I married Jascha. Pyotr Frankis had been right: life was funny. It was also reasonably good and so was the relationship. And after the divorce, I got a job. #Quote by Pat Cadigan

#20. Climate change is like my head: it's not visible in every instance, but I'm pretty darn sure it's there. #Quote by Kevin Focke

#21. An educated theologian: someone who's better at rationalizing what they're pretending to know. #Quote by Peter Boghossian

#22. I did not intend to write a funny book, at first. I did not know I was a humorist. I have never been sure about it. In the middle ages, I should probably have gone about preaching and got myself burnt or hanged. #Quote by Jerome K. Jerome

#23. I just don't know what I'd do without a brain, Simone!" I say. "I mean, what's a person without one? #Quote by Randa Abdel-Fattah

#24. I think I found your vampire," Andrew said, except this time he wasn't so amused.
However, Gabriella was, her smile huge as she laughed, the sound a trill in the densely packed cold air.
"You think this is funny?" The words came out surly, but Andrew couldn't stop his lips from twitching over her amusement.
"I thought they'd be bigger," she said, stifling another round of giggles. "Are you okay?"
"Just a flesh wound. #Quote by Laura Kreitzer

#25. Knock it off, you two.' Annabeth handed her scroll to Sadie. 'Carter, let's trade. I'll try your khopesh ; you try my Yankees cap.'

She tossed him the hat.

'I'm usually more of a basketball guy, but …' Carter put on the cap and disappeared. 'Wow, okay. I'm invisible, aren't I?'

Sadie applauded. 'You've never looked better, brother dear.'

'Very funny.'

'If you can sneak up on Setne,' Annabeth suggested, 'you might be able to take him by surprise, get the crown away from him.'

'But you told us Setne saw right through your invisibility,' Carter said.

'That was me ,' Annabeth said, 'a Greek using a Greek magic item. For you, maybe it'll work better – or differently, at least.'

'Carter, give it a shot,' I said. 'The only thing better than a giant chicken man is a giant invisible chicken man. #Quote by Rick Riordan

#26. They'd be complaining about having to walk, and screeching at me to 'do something, Freddy, do something!'"
"But what could you do?" she said, puzzled.
"Carry them, probably." He gave her a hopeful look. "Do you want me to carry you? #Quote by Anne Gracie

#27. Not a Harvard-type education, ... Just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education. #Quote by Chris Rock

#28. Of course drugs were fun. And that's what's so stupid about anti-drug campaigns: they don't admit that. I can't say I feel particularly scarred or lessened by my experimentation with drugs. They've gotten a very bad name. #Quote by Anjelica Huston

#29. One of the great things about travel is you find out how many good, kind people there are. #Quote by Edith Wharton

#30. I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation. #Quote by H.G.Wells

#31. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. #Quote by Anton Chekhov

#32. People on the Continent either tell you the truth or lie; in England they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream of telling you the truth. #Quote by George Mikes

#33. I worked with Judi Dench in Cranford. She's not at all starry, she's very easy and funny to be around, but I had such an enormous respect and regard for her before I met her that I was quite starstruck. #Quote by Martin Shaw

#34. My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf. #Quote by Anthony Jeselnik

#35. I'm gonna go put my earplugs in and practice piano for hours until my fingers bleed. I practice the piano with the focus of Helen Keller - and nothing can distract me from the scent of the music.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz #Quote by Karen Quan

#36. Because, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I was embraced by the gays. They loved me and praised me. I was funny and so mean and mature for my age! #Quote by Tina Fey

#37. I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?' #Quote by Marc Maron

#38. Like your zodiac sign? Percy asked. 'I'm a Leo.
'No, stupid,' Leo said. I'm a Leo. You're a Percy. #Quote by Rick Riordan

#39. Good comics stick around. There are people who have TV shows that might be successful, but comics can't really fake it. If you say, 'Hey, I love what you guys are doing - you're funny,' then you're in. It's legit. #Quote by Wanda Sykes

#40. I'd much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick. #Quote by Nicole McKay

#41. I lost myself immediately in one of the books, only emerging when the phone rang.
"Dashiell?" my father intoned. As if someone else with my voice might be answering the phone at my mother's apartment.
"Yes, Father?"
"Leeza and I would like to wish you a merry Christmas."
"Thank you, Father. And to you, as well."
[awkward pause]
[even more awkward pause]
"I hope your mother isn't giving you any trouble."
Oh, Father, I love it when you play this game.
"She told me if I clean all the ashes out of the grate, then I'll be able to help my sisters get ready for the ball."
"It's Christmas, Dashiell. Can't you give that attitude a rest?"
"Merry Christmas, Dad. And thanks for the presents."
"What presents?"
"I'm sorry - those were all from Mom, weren't they?"
"Dashiell ... "
"I gotta go. The gingerbread men are on #Quote by Rachel Cohn

#42. That goal surprised most people, least of all myself #Quote by Garth Crooks

#43. It's funny how things slip away, pieces of us, even. #Quote by Kristin Hannah

#44. Individual Greeks are delightful: funny, warm, smart, and good company. I left two dozen interviews saying to myself, "What great people!" They do not share the sentiment about one another: the hardest thing to do in Greece is to get one Greek to compliment another behind his back. No success of any kind is regarded without suspicion. Everyone is pretty sure everyone is cheating on his taxes, or bribing politicians, or taking bribes, or lying about the value of his real estate. And this total absence of faith in one another is self-reinforcing. The epidemic of lying and cheating and stealing makes any sort of civic life impossible; the collapse of civic life only encourages more lying, cheating, and stealing. Lacking faith in one another, they fall back on themselves and their families. #Quote by Michael Lewis

#45. It's funny, I had dinner with my dear friend John Spencer last night and I'm not in the first episode, but he's at the beginning of it and he was telling me about it and I thought this sounds very hot because I think this is definitely the last year of West Wing. #Quote by Stockard Channing

#46. Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a huge research staff to study the problem. #Quote by Bill Vaughan

#47. When he was pleased he looked what nature had intended him to be: a placid man with a kindly, easy-going disposition; but when harassed his expression changed to one of peevishness, a frown dragging his brows together, and a pronounced pout giving him very much the look of a thwarted baby. #Quote by Georgette Heyer

#48. Playing against a defensive opponent is just as bad as making love to a tree. #Quote by Jorge Valdano

#49. Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. #Quote by Victor Hugo

#50. When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B ... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here. #Quote by Demetri Martin

#51. There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number. #Quote by Jerry Coleman

#52. Charlie said, his voice rising an octave in desperation. "I know it's ridiculous, but I keep trying to rationalise everything and it's driving me crazy. Did you spot that flying horse earlier? I found myself trying to explain it with Darwin's Theory of Evolution. #Quote by Victor Kloss

#53. Thomas is racing for it, but McCovey is there and can't get his glove to it. That play shows the inexperience, not on Thomas' part, but on the part of Willie McC ... well, not on McCovey's part either. #Quote by Jerry Coleman

#54. As to sleep, you know, I never sleep now. I might be a Watchman, except that I don't get any pay, and he's got nothing on his mind. #Quote by Charles Dickens

#55. If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves. #Quote by Lane Kirkland

#56. Life is funny isn't it? Just when you think you've got it all figured out,
just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about something,
and feel like you know what direction you're heading in, the paths change,
the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and
east is west, and you're lost. It is so easy to lose your way, to lose direction.
And that's with following all the signposts #Quote by Cecelia Ahern

#57. I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?" #Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

#58. His lips twitch as if it's funny to think about how my hair might have ended up on his shirt. My guess is that it must have happened when I kissed him in the hallway downstairs by the club. He thinks it's amusing. If I had a body in this dream, my cheeks would be burning. It's embarrassing just to think about it. #Quote by Susan Ee

#59. My wife made me join a bridge club ... I jump off next Tuesday. #Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

#60. It's funny ... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing ... the line you are not to cross. #Quote by Daniel Tosh

#61. It's funny, people were asking me how I'd feel when it all ends, on the first movie, and I don't think I've ever felt more completely bewildered, knowing that I only have a month of Twilight stuff left to do. #Quote by Robert Pattinson

#62. I remembered the last time I put this thing into my eye it was more painful than watching old political speeches while listening to the "Macarena" and having a root canal performed by an angry, clumsy chimp. #Quote by John Zakour

#63. I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple. #Quote by Al Gore

#64. What's this about slippers?" Stephanie's mom said, walking in.
"Dad's just saying he could never lead the resistance against a robot army because he wears slippers."
"This is very true," her mum said.
"Then it's decided," Stephanie's father said. "When the robot army makes itself known, I will be one of the first traitors to sell out the human race."
"Wow," said Stephanie.
"Now that's an about-turn," said her mum.
"It's the only way," said her dad. "I have to make sure my family survives. The two of you and that other one, the small one--"
"Alice."
"That's her. You're all that matter to me. You're all I care about. I will betray the human race so that the robot army spares you. And then later, I will betray you so that the robot army spares me. It's a dangerous ploy, but someone has to be willing to take the big risks, and I'll be damned if I'm about to let anyone else gamble with my family's future."
"You're so brave," Stephanie's mum said.
"I know," said her dad, and then quieter, "I know. #Quote by Derek Landy

#65. (The Mona Lisa), that really is the ugliest portrait I've seen, the only thing that supposedly makes it famous is the mystery behind it, Katherine admitted as she remembered her trips to the Louvre and how she shook her head at the poor tourists crowding around to see a jaundiced, eyebrow-less lady that reminded her of tight-lipped Washington on the dollar bill. Surely, they could have chosen a better portrait of the First President for their currency? #Quote by E.A. Bucchianeri

#66. She let out the breath she knew full well she'd been holding. #Quote by Nenia Campbell

#67. The world is in trouble because of a few funny sympathetic philosophers #Quote by M.F. Moonzajer

#68. [I]t is dangerous for a bride to be apologetic about her husband. #Quote by Wallace Stegner

#69. Often when you are starting out in comedy, you will find that people will laugh at the things you didn't think were funny. It's important to pay attention also to what people are laughing at when you are just talking in regular conversation. Often that is when you are truly being yourself. #Quote by Natasha Leggero

#70. I know you're saying something profound, but it's hard to focus when your tits are out. #Quote by Christina Lauren

#71. Orange: Uh Oh
Mario: Uh oh what?
Orange ... Uh-Oh spaghettio's
*LAUGH*
Mario: Not Funny #Quote by Annoying Orange

#72. Permission to shoot the fucker in the face when it comes over the rim? #Quote by J. Fally

#73. I'm tired of being the funniest person in the room. #Quote by Del Close

#74. What a sad business is being funny! #Quote by Charlie Chaplin

#75. See you in the funny pages...mate #Quote by Daniel H. Wilson

#76. You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull. #Quote by MaryJanice Davidson

#77. Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business #Quote by Gregory David Roberts

#78. No, officer, I have no idea why I'm wearing this possum costume. I called you what? OH. My bad.
-Nastasya #Quote by Cate Tiernan

#79. I am not fake, I am just to good to be true :-) #Quote by Mahsati Abdul

#80. Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa. #Quote by Eugene Ormandy

#81. If you want to be a photographer, first leave home #Quote by Steve McCurry

#82. I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. #Quote by Mickey Rooney

#83. We love what we love and who
we love who we love and why
we love why we love and find
a falling shoelace knotted and strung
between the fingers of strangers #Quote by Kami Garcia

#84. The point of the list wasn't just to tick items off and forget about them, it was to learn something new. #Quote by Lindsey Kelk

#85. Johnny Rotten. He's a big fan of mine. I used to see him out in the audience in England and he'd stand up and holler. He's funny. Smart too, and a nice guy. Don't think he's a jerk because he isn't. #Quote by Captain Beefheart

#86. It's funny how sometimes when a face goes gentle, it ends up looking stronger somehow. #Quote by Dan Gemeinhart

#87. Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy. #Quote by Noel Fielding

#88. What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes. #Quote by Gena Showalter

#89. Boxing's all about getting the job done as quickly as possible, whether it takes 10 or 15 or 20 rounds. #Quote by Frank Bruno

#90. He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke. #Quote by Carroll Bryant

#91. I love everything about Tyler Durden, his courage and his smarts. His nerve. Tyler is funny and charming and forceful and independent, and men look up to him and expect him to change their world. Tyler is capable and free, and I am not. #Quote by Chuck Palahniuk

#92. McCarthy shakes his head in agreement with the referee. #Quote by Martin Tyler

#93. Don't concentrate on becoming a better humor writer, just concentrate on being the best writer that you can become. If you're funny, the work will end up being funny. And if you're not funny, the work will still end up being good. Concentrate on being the most honest writer you can be, and let everything else follow--because it will. #Quote by John Hodgman

#94. Passersby looked at us curiously. In the porch, Mr. Whitman held the church door open for us. "Hurry up, please," he said. "We don't want to attract attention." No, sure, there was nothing likely to attract attention in two black limousines parking in North Audley Street in broad daylight so that men in suits could carry the Lost Ark out of the trunk of one of the cars, over the sidewalk, and into the church. Although from a distance the chest carrying it could have been a small coffin . . . The thought gave me goose bumps.
"I hope at least you remembered your pistol," I whispered to Gideon.
"You have a funny idea of what goes on at a soiree," he said, in a normal tone of voice, arranging the scarf around my shoulders. "Did anyone check what's in your bag? We don't want your mobile ringing in the middle of a musical performance."
I couldn't keep from laughing at the idea, because just then my ringtone was a croaking frog. "There won't be anyone there who could call me except you," I pointed out.
"And I don't even know your number. Please may I take a look inside your bag?"
"It's called a reticule," I said, shrugging and handing him the little bag.
"Smelling salts, handkerchief, perfume, powder . . . excellent," said Gideon. "All just as it should be. Come along." He gave me the reticule back, took my hand, and led me through the church porch. Mr. Whitman bolted the door again behind us. Gideon forgot to let go of my hand once we were inside the c #Quote by Kerstin Gier

#95. My own brother calling me a brickhead. Sneering faeries insulting me. Women punching me in the face. How much more am I to swallow in one bloody day? #Quote by Nora Roberts

#96. I think anyone loves to play a character that is either evil to a certain extent or has a real definable character flaw. Those are always really fun, and, I think, funny. #Quote by Steve Carell

#97. Give the haters another reason to hate!! #Quote by Neelufar Ghalichi

#98. Tech is a funny industry; I don't think there is any other industry on the planet that reinvents itself every 10-12 years. #Quote by Edward Zander

#99. Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time. #Quote by Bauvard

#100. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha! #Quote by Eddie Murphy

#101. I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups. #Quote by Rita Rudner

#102. The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" #Quote by Henny Youngman

#103. Some of the men were dressed like Peter and wore red plaid hunting jackets or bulky tan Carhartt jackets or lined flannel shirts, and all of those men were wearing jeans and work boots. Some of the men wore ski jackets and hiking boots and the sort of many-pocketed army green pants that made you want to get out of your seat and rappel. Some of the men wore wide-wale corduroy pants and duck boots and cable0knit sweaters and scarves. It was a regular United Nations of white American manhood. But all the men, no matter what they were wearing, were slouching in their chairs, with their legs so wide open that it seemed as though there must be something severely wrong with their testicles. #Quote by Brock Clarke

#104. There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva #Quote by Josh Groban

#105. I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it. #Quote by Les Dawson

#106. Doing actual comedic material is just about the most joyful endeavor ever. That's the truth. The only time it's not funny is when business gets in the way. #Quote by Julia Louis-Dreyfus

#107. Stevia does something funny to the chemistry of my mouth. There's no fooling a taste bud, in my experience. #Quote by Jonathan Franzen

#108. The man you're going to marry should be like a brick: strong, sturdy, supportive and almost always hard in your presence. #Quote by Nicole McKay

#109. I have deep comedic roots, and I want to be funny. #Quote by Khandi Alexander

#110. A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them #Quote by Christina Dodd

#111. It's funny how the littlest things can make you feel larger than life; the right lyric, the most heartfelt melody, the clearest message. Love. #Quote by Alex Gaskarth

#112. Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental. #Quote by Ogden Nash

#113. Travel"

Sometimes I know I love you better
than all the others I kiss it's funny

but it's true and I wouldn't roll
from one to the next so fast if you

hadn't knocked them all down like
ninepins when you roared by my bed

I keep trying to race ahead and catch
you at the newest station or whistle

stop but you are flighty about
schedules and always soar away just

as leaning from my taxicab my breath
reaches for the back of your neck #Quote by Frank O'Hara

#114. Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. #Quote by Milton Berle

#115. I want to do it too!" said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless.
"Nope," said Nudge, shaking her head. "You stand out like a fart in church. #Quote by James Patterson

#116. Can I wear your blazer? #Quote by CM Punk

#117. My mom was my English teacher in high school. So to be able to bend the rules and be the class clown and get to take on my religion, my mom, and my town all at the same time was glorious. I think the desire to be funny was a mixture of wanting to be liked but also wanting to throw your elbows a bit. If you're cracking a joke in school, it's sort of anti-authority, but it's in the nicest, "Please like me!" way. #Quote by Paul Rust

#118. As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em. #Quote by Mitch Hedberg

#119. I wanted to be wanted. And for the past dozen years I've known firsthand what it's like to be sought after. It's funny how when you get what you've always longed for, sometimes the reason you wanted it no longer exists. #Quote by Susan Meissner

#120. We grew up founding our dreams on the infinite promise of American advertising. I still believe that one can learn to play the piano by mail and that mud will give you a perfect complexion. #Quote by Zelda Fitzgerald

#121. It's funny what memory does, isn't it? My favorite holiday tradition might not have happened more than once or twice. But because it is such a good memory, so encapsulating of everything I love about the holidays, in my mind it happened every year. Without fail. #Quote by Molly O'Keefe

#122. Sweet Jesus! Sweet, sweet Jesus!" Mom called to the Savior, caught up in the divine intervention that was Hank and me.
I narrowed my eyes at her. "Stop cal ing Jesus, Mom. Hank's gonna think you're weird," I snapped.
"She is weird," Dad said.
"I'm not weird," Mom returned. #Quote by Kristen Ashley

#123. I'm done. I'm going to go to bed and read important books about theater."
"It would would be easier if you just said porn," Scarlett said.
"No idea what you're talking about. But knock first if you need me. #Quote by Maureen Johnson

#124. The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people #Quote by Eddie Murphy

#125. Wikipedia is just an incredible thing. It is fact-encirclingly huge, and it is idiosyncratic, careful, messy, funny, shocking and full of simmering controversies - and it is free, and it is fast. #Quote by Nicholson Baker

#126. Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it' ... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance. #Quote by Dennis Miller

#127. I was half expecting it, but it still came as kind of a shock when the barrier stayed down. It's funny how some things can be so mixed up like that. #Quote by Gavin Extence

#128. What are the chances that you'd be there? It's funny sometimes the way the world works. Makes you think there's got to be a reason things turn out the way they do." -Louis #Quote by Michelle Schlicher

#129. I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin #Quote by Bill Watterson

#130. Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark? #Quote by Steven Spielberg

#131. However, human beings are funny; we always want what we don't have. #Quote by Apol Lejano-Massebieau

#132. Was it my fault that I got out of hand?
--Loki #Quote by Joanne Harris

#133. And everywhere I turned: Riley and Amelia.
I suppose this could have been because I was always following them around. #Quote by Jaclyn Moriarty

#134. I had always drawn, every day as long as I had held a pencil, and just assumed everyone else had too ... Art had saved me and helped me fit in ... Art was always my saving grace ... Comedy didn't come until much later for me. I've always tried to combine the two things, art and comedy, and couldn't make a choice between the two. It was always my ambition to make comedy with an art-school slant, and art that could be funny instead of po-faced. #Quote by Noel Fielding

#135. I've got a bit of Scottish Blood ... On my kitchen knife!! #Quote by Milton Jones

#136. All pomp and show." Anjali's glare at the house would've exploded bricks if she'd had superhuman powers. "A fat cow needs a big barn. #Quote by Nicola Marsh

#137. I hated how sometimes life threw you a curveball - how you thought you were going to make some money selling a stolen tiger to make your dad proud, but then all the sudden there were drugs instead of money and then you were probably going to relapse mostly because you didn't want to disappoint your best friend who had recently drawn a very funny cartoon about an octopus on your ass cheeks that would not come off your body no matter how hard you scrubbed. #Quote by John Jodzio

#138. Deep inside, she knew who she was, and that person was smart and kind and often even
funny, but somehow her personality always got lost somewhere between her heart and her
mouth, and she found herself saying the wrong thing or, more often, nothing at all. #Quote by Julia Quinn

#139. I beg your pardon." Tameka held up her hand and shook her head in disbelief. "Did we just get passed by a centaur?"
"We got passed by a group of them," Ran corrected.
Beckit grinned at Tameka. "Goodbye Kansas, hello Oz."
"Amen to that, sister. #Quote by M.A. Wilder

#140. This must happen to every child." I suddenly thought. "The moment when you realize your parent is a full person in their own right with their own life. Funny how we fight so hard to be seen as independent and capable ourselves but don't allot the same consideration to a parent. #Quote by Alexes Razevich

#141. Insta-love isn't something that happens in real life. It
happens in the books I read, but not in the world I live. Though here
stands this beautiful, sexy, funny, sweet and amazing guy who has
done everything short of professing love at first sight to me and I'm
still standing here like a pair of lungs suffocating, needing him in
order to breathe. #Quote by Kathryn Perez

#142. Alcohol, firearms and a 4 wheel drive can go a long ways towards making a rain day into a fun rest day. #Quote by Frank Stock

#143. Daddy binders, bruh?
Obama: Governor Romney loves him some binders, doesn't he. #Quote by Kiese Laymon

#144. Yeah," Tamara said. "An old bowling alley. There must be a town not too far from here. But how could Aaron be there? And don't say something like 'working on his score' or 'maybe he's in a bowling league' or something like that. Be serious."
Call leaned against the rough bark of a nearby tree and resisted the urge to sit down. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to get up again. "I'm serious. It might be hard to tell in the dark, but I have my most super-serious face on. #Quote by Cassandra Clare

#145. [Clover] secretly hitched a ride with a nice German couple and their new baby ... Clover appeared to the baby, so as to be a delightful, soothing surprise. Well, the child did like Clover. In fact, she held him and cooed. When the parents turned around to look at her and saw their child holding a furry, living creature, they needlessly panicked. #Quote by Obert Skye

#146. So what's the plan?" Ben asked.
"Go inside. Look around. Improvise."
"Brilliant." Hi stroked his chin. "Quick question: Is having no plan the same as having a terrible plan, or are those different categories? #Quote by Kathy Reichs

#147. Bad writing, it is easily verified, has never kept scholarship from being published. #Quote by Jacques Barzun

#148. One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair. #Quote by George Lopez

#149. My friends tell me I am strong, decisive, and wise. What a joke. Where is my strength tonight? Where is my wisdom? Ironically, they tell me I am 'so open'. Me, who has so many secrets that I have never shared. The irony would be funny if it wasn't so sad. Their blindness to my true self makes me feel invisible. Not in the way that a spirit or ghost is invisible, for I am most definitely flesh, blood, sinew, and bone. I even have a mind that works nimble and fast, and a mouth that speaks reasonably eloquently, when I feel I have something worthwhile to say. No, I'm invisible because the people who populate my life either do not, or cannot, see the real me. Of course, that is but another irony. I know much of my invisibility is of my own doing, and that is the last joke on myself: that which I seek is also that which I fear. #Quote by Lily Velden

#150. If you're OK with being clumsy, it's funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you. #Quote by Leo Howard

#151. When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back. #Quote by Bill Watterson

#152. Take them off!" I told him, grabbing the front of his jeans. "Take everything off!"
"I'm trying!"
"Try harder! #Quote by Karen Chance

#153. Keep flapping your lips and you'll spend the rest of your afterlife haunting hipsters at Starbucks. #Quote by Sherry D Ficklin

#154. There are secrets I will take to the grave and others I'd feel safer having cremated. #Quote by Robert Breault

#155. I've spent too many years explaining who and what I am repeatedly, so as of this moment I officially secede from both races. I plan to start my own separate nation. Because I am half Ojibway and half Caucasian, we will be called the Occasions. And of course, since I'm founding the new nation, I will be a Special Occasion. #Quote by Drew Hayden Taylor

#156. Nothing more clearly shows how little God esteems his gift to men of wealth, money, position and other worldly goods, than the way he distributes these, and the sort of men who are most amply provided with them. #Quote by Jean De La Bruyere

#157. The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. #Quote by Tom Lehrer

#158. Because my musical background is so diverse, it lends me to have very much my own style and it helps me to relate to the music as I'm going to play it. I just write. And if it comes out country, it's a country song. The funny thing is, I write all across the board. I just write what hits me at the time. #Quote by Casey James

#159. Men were weird. Especially men made of tempered steel and fire and perpetual darkness. Or men with penises. Either way #Quote by Darynda Jones

#160. It's funny how we can be in love with someone one day, and the next we can easily fall in love with someone else. #Quote by Raymond Carver

#161. My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me. #Quote by Steven Wright

#162. I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!" #Quote by Mitch Hedberg

#163. I refuse to dress 'hot' for Halloween, 'cause I always have to have makeup and hair and look cute for my job. So on Halloween, I either go gory or weird or funny. #Quote by Rachel Platten

#164. And the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves. #Quote by Terry Pratchett

#165. The literal mind is baffled by the ironic one, demanding explanations that only intensify the joke. A vintage example, and one that really did occur, is that of P.G. Wodehouse, captured by accident during the German invasion of France in 1940. Josef Goebbels's propaganda bureaucrats asked him to broadcast on Berlin radio, which he incautiously agreed to do, and his first transmission began:
Young men starting out in life often ask me - "How do you become an internee?" Well, there are various ways. My own method was to acquire a villa in northern France and wait for the German army to come along. This is probably the simplest plan. You buy the villa and the German army does the rest.
Somebody - it would be nice to know who, I hope it was Goebbels - must have vetted this and decided to let it go out as a good advertisement for German broad-mindedness. The "funny" thing is that the broadcast landed Wodehouse in an infinity of trouble with the British authorities, representing a nation that prides itself above all on a sense of humor. #Quote by Christopher Hitchens

#166. Laser light flickered all over him as if he was a packet of biscuits at a super-market check-out. #Quote by Douglas Adams

#167. What's a slut?" I ask him.
"A girl who puts out too easily."
"Puts out what?" I imagine Greer putting out dinner and don't understand what Iwan wouldn't like about that.
"Puts out, you know ... " His face, already beet red from our run, turns a darker scarlet. "Sex."
I wonder where Greer puts the sex out. #Quote by Rachel Cohn

#168. Owr brave little shank! #Quote by James Dashner

#169. Someday you'll meet people who are actually on crack and you won't think that's a super funny thing to say. #Quote by Patrick Stump

#170. They're funny things, legacies are. They can make a person's good-doings extend beyond his or her lifetime, and burden everyone else around who's related to live up to or better it. But they're always very important to maintain to the best of one's ability because that's as close to immortality one can get. #Quote by Lauren Lola

#171. I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show. #Quote by Dane Cook

#172. Funny, gorgeous, and a genius. What a package. He backed out of the parking space, smiling as he drove away.
I loved that he left crazy off the list.
I loved it even more that he would never think to add it. #Quote by Myra McEntire

#173. To be unpopular, you must look the part. Remember four words: plastic flowered swim cap. #Quote by Jennifer Ziegler

#174. Through the gaps in the books, Ryan could see someone in the next aisle over, moving slowly. Someone in black. Someone whistling. Ryan recognized the tune. It was the theme music to Harry Potter. #Quote by Derek Landy

#175. She's laughing at me. "What's funny, Gidget?" "You love me." I laugh back. "I do, and I'm going to show you just how much every chance I get. #Quote by J.A. Huss

#176. It is very funny about money. The thing that differentiates man from animals is money. All animals have the same emotions and the same ways as men. Anybody who has lots of animals around knows that. But the thing no animal can do is count, and the thing no animal can know is money. #Quote by Gertrude Stein

#177. I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.' #Quote by Adam Ferrara

#178. Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. #Quote by P.G. Wodehouse

#179. A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts. #Quote by Craig Ferguson

#180. Giulia Melucci has written a wonderfully funny and moving book. It's like Eat, Pray, Love, with recipes. #Quote by A. J. Jacobs

#181. I've got a lot of ideas about God. I pray about as much as anybody, even though i am tough , yet I'm not too sure I liked God. It seems to me that is he is what they say he is, he has a very funny way of showing it. #Quote by Ian Cross

#182. Don't confuse efforts with results.... #Quote by C.P. Sennett

#183. The man persisted. "No, no, no. It was so funny. What software did you use? - apparently in the belief that the software had built-in humor generation. #Quote by David A. Price

#184. Goldie Hawn is funny, sexy, beautiful, talented, intelligent, warm, and consistently sunny. Other than that, she doesn't impress me at all. #Quote by Neil Simon

#185. You're only half the man that I am, and I have half the brain that you do. #Quote by Sid Vicious

#186. Nirvana is very funny. It's not sincere particularly. It's rather frivolous, actually. #Quote by Frederick Lenz

#187. It's just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there. #Quote by Andy Rooney

#188. So you'll be my bodyguard for any guys who want to introduce me to anal?' I joke.
'I will defend your virtue and your ass to the death,' he says with a knightly vow. #Quote by Bianca Giovanni

#189. All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. #Quote by Dave Barry

#190. Whenever a woman smiled his way, she'd already begun dividing her life into trimesters. #Quote by Ta-Nehisi Coates

#191. 'A Bug's Life' is a really funny movie and the characters have such different personalities. The movie is happy and then gets really sad and I'm like, W'hoa, I'm feeling this way and this movie is about bugs!' #Quote by Booboo Stewart

#192. Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs- bank vice presidents, insurance salesmen, auditors, secretaries of defense- and you'll realie they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins in the Sears menswear department dress. Now look at the real successes, the people who make a lot more money than you- Elton John, Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They all dress funny- and they all succeed. #Quote by Dave Barry

#193. Ish #303 It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating. #Quote by Regina Griffin

#194. When I'm on the set at 'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit,' of course the content isn't funny, but the other actors are hilarious. #Quote by Stephanie March

#195. Kondo: Do you have any idea how stupid we are?!
Kagura: Don't underestimate us! #Quote by Hideaki Sorachi

#196. I'm not a fussy eater, but when I'm travelling, I try to stick to the same regime and just have my chicken and my mash and broccoli. Otherwise, you start eating all these funny delicacies, and it makes your tummy turn upside down. #Quote by Ella Henderson

#197. I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she's really self-deprecating, which is something I like to see in a comedian. I think those are really the best comedians: people who can make fun of themselves. #Quote by Chelsea Handler

#198. I don't dismiss the music that I was involved with, I don't think it was a joke, I don't think it was funny or a phase, I don't think it was just something I was doing back then, to me it was who I am. It connects all the way through. I don't distance myself from any of it. #Quote by Ian MacKaye

#199. It's funny the way life works. Sometimes you go around in a weird path to find out exactly what it is that you love to do, and I'm happy that I've sort of discovered something that makes me really happy. #Quote by Haylie Duff

#200. I guess there are no real strict rules [in comedy], but I just learn to apply my philosophy about comedy which is, it's a serious business and the result needs to be funny, not the process. #Quote by Christoph Waltz