Funny As Hell Quotes

Top 88 famous quotes & sayings about Funny As Hell.

Famous Quotes About Funny As Hell

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Funny As Hell quotes by Regina Griffin
#1. Ish #303 It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating. #Quote by Regina Griffin
Funny As Hell quotes by Neil Young
#2. I don't drink anymore myself, I'm moving on. And that's not to say I won't drink again. I'm not making any promises, but I don't think I was a great drinker. Some folks are great drinkers; they drink and tell jokes and laugh their asses off, and they are funny as hell. We buried one of those last week. Life is just a big test, and if you try hard, you fail. If you don't try too hard and fail a little but have a good time, maybe that is success. #Quote by Neil Young
Funny As Hell quotes by Karl Pilkington
#3. The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to! #Quote by Karl Pilkington
Funny As Hell quotes by Kieran Scott
#4. I wanted to puke, and from the intense paint stench that was assaulting my nasal passages. Sage wanted Gaberot, Not Tucker, not Joe, but Gabe. It was all too gross to contemplate. So of course my brain couldn't stop contemplating it.
Sage and Gabe-rot sitting in the tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
We worked in silence for a few minutes while I fumed. How could she grill me about Gabe when she was already dating Mr.Perfect? If only Daniel were here to hear all of this instead of sitting back at SDH oblivious.
"So are you and Gabe, like close?" Sage asked.
"Very close," I said, tilting my head to one side,"Incestuous,actually. He's a fabulous kisser. #Quote by Kieran Scott
Funny As Hell quotes by Sally Thorne
#5. I pull back. "I'm going to have to change my computer password."
"Oh yeah? To what?"
"4 eva, he replies."
"You cracked my password? #Quote by Sally Thorne
Funny As Hell quotes by Jake Wizner
#6. There once was a man who was sore
'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door.
is just not for me
Let me in, you cock-teasing whore. #Quote by Jake Wizner
Funny As Hell quotes by Regina Griffin
#7. Ish #21 Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat! #Quote by Regina Griffin
Funny As Hell quotes by Matthew Bracey
#8. It didn't take him thirty seconds to have a swig of vodka and a hefty sniff before his hands were as steady as a bloke with his bollocks caught in a zip #Quote by Matthew Bracey
Funny As Hell quotes by Joe Meno
#9. Funny as hell, searingly honest, and urgently real, Sam Pink's Rontel puts to shame most modern fiction. His writing perfectly captures the bizarre parade that is Chicago, with all its gloriously odd and wonderful people. This book possesses both the nerve of Nelson Algren and the existential comedy of Albert Camus. #Quote by Joe Meno
Funny As Hell quotes by Sara Ney
#10. Remind me again why I followed you out here?"
Answer: Because curiosity killed the cat, Scarlett. You followed a good-looking stranger out into the dark and look where it got you – on the front porch, in the bitter cold.
"Don't beat yourself up about it – any one of those girls would have followed me out here, too."
Oh brother, he's modest too? "And why do you suppose that is?"
His broad shoulders shrug and damn, he must be freezing his ass off. "Captain of the baseball team. Handsome as fuck. Funny as hell."
"I don't…wow. I don't even know how to respond to that."
He gives me a tight-lipped smile. "It's a lot to take in all at once. #Quote by Sara Ney
Funny As Hell quotes by J.D. Robb
#11. It all jibed, and the books would close on Jasper as death by misadventure. Unofficially, Eve labeled it death by stupidity, but there wasn't a place on the sheet for that particular observation. - Lt. Eve Dallas on a drunk fall off the roof #Quote by J.D. Robb
Funny As Hell quotes by Sherrilyn Kenyon
#12. I can't kill him." Celena
"You can do it baby." Rafeal
"You told me just last night that you wanted to choke the life out of me." Rafael
That was for hogging the remote, and I wasn't serious. This is entirely different." Celena #Quote by Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny As Hell quotes by Darynda Jones
#13. She blinked at me, then realized I was panicking. Honestly, it was like admitting to murder before being interrogated.
"Ms. Davidson," she began, but I decided to trip her up, to throw her off the trail of blood I'd left like an injured animal.
"I don't speak English. #Quote by Darynda Jones
Funny As Hell quotes by Sherrilyn Kenyon
#14. Get your filthy paws off my son, feet pue tan! Cherise #Quote by Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny As Hell quotes by Jeaniene Frost
#15. Sorry. My friends didn't mention certain ... details about you and you just wouldn't believe how nutty some people are. Just last week, I had a woman convinced her trailer was haunted by Tupac, as if he'd want to spend eternity in a double wide that smelled like cat piss. #Quote by Jeaniene Frost
Funny As Hell quotes by Margaret Watson
#16. She thinks you're stalking me."
"Why the hell would I do that? I see too much of your ugly mug as it is. #Quote by Margaret Watson
Funny As Hell quotes by Cynthia Leitich Smith
#17. Miranda: You say you were my guardian angel. Does that mean you watched me all the time? Like when I got my period or doctored a zit or took a shower or-
Zachary: I'm an angel, not a Peeping Tom. #Quote by Cynthia Leitich Smith
Funny As Hell quotes by Cassandra Clare
#18. This ... this ... thing?"
"A parsnip?" Jem suggested
"A parsnip planted in satan's own garden," said Will. He glanced about. "I dont suppose there's a dog I could feed it to?"
"There dont seem to be any pets about," Jem-who loved animals, even the inglorious and ill-tempered Church-observed.
"Probably all poisened by parsnips," said Will. #Quote by Cassandra Clare
Funny As Hell quotes by Sherrilyn Kenyon
#19. Maybe it's some Bioterrorism test being run by the government. Don't drink the tap water or seafood until I do some testing." Bubba
"I don't normally drink my seafood Bubba, but" Nick #Quote by Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny As Hell quotes by Michele Jaffe
#20. Are you wearing space pants?" Miranda asked him.
How did it end? oh, right. "Because your butt is fine."
He gazed at her in that way he had like he was measuring her for straitjacket. "I think-" he started, then stopped and seemed to be having trouble talking. Cleared his throat three times before saying, "I think the line is 'because your butt is out of this world."
"Oh. That makes a lot more sense. I can see that. See, I read this book about how to get guys to like you and they said it was a line that never failed but i got interrupted in the middle and the line before it was about china-not the country, the kind you eat off of-and that is where the fine part was but i must have gotten them confused. He just kept staring at her. #Quote by Michele Jaffe
Funny As Hell quotes by Sherrilyn Kenyon
#21. Dearly weird and motley beings, we're gathered here today for . . . yada, yada, yada. Seth say something profound and sweet to Lydia." Savitar
"My Lydia is like a star rising to guide me through the darkest night." Seth
"Look, kid, I can say the words for you, but I think she'd rather hear them from your lips. Ignore the assholes in the chairs. If one of them laughs, I'll gut him for you." Savitar
Lydia laid her hand against his cheek and kissed his lips. "Hey, hey, hey!" Savitar snapped. "You're jumping ahead, woman. It's your turn to make a vow to him."
"Love is paitent. Love is kind.
It does not envy. It does not boast. It does not proud.
It is not rude. It is not self seeking.
It is not easily angered> It keeps no records of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Lydia
"Yeah, okay,beings . . . now you ." Savitar
"Alright then, to the handful here, let me present Mr. and Mrs. Demigod jackal beings." Savitar
"You know this would be much easier if some of us had last names." Savitar to Seth and Lydia
"Would you stop ruining this for them?" Ma'at
"I'm not ruining it, Mennie, I'm making it memorable," Savitar #Quote by Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny As Hell quotes by Sherrilyn Kenyon
#22. What is memory foam? How does it remember things? Does it have its own brain?" Edilyn
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Suffice it to say, it's something future man will thank modern science for. There's also a toilet in the bathroom." Virag
"A what in the who?" Edilyn #Quote by Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny As Hell quotes by Kristen Proby
#23. Yeah, I got her," Will confirms.
"Who you got?" I ask.
"You, drunk girl. Come on." He turns to lead me toward the exit, and I start to follow him, but for some reason my feet don't work very well.
"Um, Will?"
"I lost my feet."
"What?" he laughs and pinches the bridge of his nose.
"I can't find my feet."
Why is everyone laughing at me? This is serious! #Quote by Kristen Proby
Funny As Hell quotes by Frances Winkler
#24. I don't mean like balls-in-your-face or gifts of pornography and butt plugs romantic, just cute, over-the-pants, PG-13 movie stuff. #Quote by Frances Winkler
Funny As Hell quotes by Elle Aycart
#25. You were upset. I don't want you feeling forced into anything, he pressed on, horrified at his own words. Mental. Since when did he let chivalry get in the way of a blowjob? Talk about boycotting oneself, jeez. #Quote by Elle Aycart
Funny As Hell quotes by Sherrilyn Kenyon
#26. You do it and see how hard that thing is to control. I swear it has a mind of its own." Hadyn
"No sugar, that's your front tail." Edena
"Edena! I can't believe you said that to your brother! Where did you hear that?" Seraphina
"Good grief, Matera! I am almost 30 years old. I am the last of my friends who hasn't had a lover yet. And if that's what concerns you, then you need to talk to your son about where he's been planting that shorter front tail lately." Edena #Quote by Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny As Hell quotes by Cassandra Clare
#27. If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know. " Simon never had much patience with Jace. "Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo. " "And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand, " said Jace sarcastically. #Quote by Cassandra Clare
Funny As Hell quotes by Sherrilyn Kenyon
#28. Hello, beautiful. Just wrap those long, sexy legs around me and I'll ride you anywhere, any time you want." Talfryn
"This one's all yours. Go ahead, brother, wrap your long, sexy legs right around his waist and ride him all night long." Cadegan #Quote by Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny As Hell quotes by Cardeno C.
#29. Its a good thing I'm here, big guy, because you have shit taste in friends."
Okay, I said the last part intentionally, knowing how Aaron would react. And right on cue, Aaron said:
"He's not my friend!"
"Well, I guess that settles it, Nick. You're not going to be rebound guy because, despite your predictions of woe, Aaron and I aren't breaking up. I'd say that we'll see you around, but I doubt that'll happen since you don't even rate friend status. #Quote by Cardeno C.
Funny As Hell quotes by Carroll Bryant
#30. Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn't that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. #Quote by Carroll Bryant
Funny As Hell quotes by David  Wong
#31. Kools never did get along with partners. He once stabbed a fella over whose turn it was to drive. Kools says I want to drive and the other fella says sure and Kools stabbed him in the face. #Quote by David Wong
Funny As Hell quotes by Rachel Hawkins
#32. I [dad] spent hours on the phone. Do you know with whom?'
'One of those psychic hotlines?' Dad gritted his teeth. 'If only ... #Quote by Rachel Hawkins
Funny As Hell quotes by Sherrilyn Kenyon
#33. So," V'Aidan said as she thumped a cantaloupe, "what are you listening for?"
She held it up to his ear and thumped. "This one is to ripe." Then she held up another one and let him hear the difference. "This one isn't."
She put the good cantaloupe in the cart, then turned around to catch him thumping bananas. Erin quickly grabbed them away from him. "We don't thump those."
"It'll bruise them."
"Oh." He looked around, then paused. "What about those?"
She turned to see the grapes. "Only thump if you want to turn them into whine."
He pulled her into his arms. "What about if I thump you?"
She smiled. "I'd probably make all kinds of interesting noises. #Quote by Sherrilyn Kenyon
Funny As Hell quotes by Kristen Ashley
#34. She stared into his eyes and announced, "A good-bye kiss."
It was at that Raid stopped dead. "What?"
"Raiden, the gig is up," she declared, and Raid closed his eyes.
Jesus, how could the woman be so infuriating and so fucking cute all at once?
He opened his eyes and asked, "The gig is up?"
She leaned into him and hissed, "Yes."
Fuck, he wanted to kiss her.
He also wanted to shake her.
"Baby, it's jig," he corrected, and her head jerked, which made that mess of hair on her head jerk, which reminded him he wanted his hands in that hair.
Then elsewhere.
He needed to speed this shit up.
"Sorry?" she asked, sounding confused, and he looked from her hair to her eyes and saw she was, in fact, confused.
Yeah. Infuriating. And fucking cute.
"The jig is up, not the gig," he told her.
Her eyes narrowed. "Seriously? You're correcting my street lingo?"
"Think that street lingo was the street lingo about eight decades ago, Hanna. So now it's just lingo. #Quote by Kristen Ashley
Funny As Hell quotes by Kevin Barry
#35. Don DeLillo's 'White Noise,' which I read when I was 19. It showed me that a book can be funny as hell and deadly serious. #Quote by Kevin Barry
Funny As Hell quotes by James Patterson
#36. I love Nudge, Nudge is a great kid, but that motormouth of hers could
have turned Mother Teresa into an ax murderer #Quote by James Patterson
Funny As Hell quotes by Laurell K. Hamilton
#37. You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt #Quote by Laurell K. Hamilton
Funny As Hell quotes by Elaine White
#38. Cormag caught his hand and pulled him back until they were facing each other. "I think you're amazing," he said, blurting the words out.
Lachlan smiled, completely shocked and thrilled by how captivating he found him.
He had never thought this could happen to him, that he would be attracted to another boy.
He thought he knew himself so well.
"I think you're smart, sexy, funny as hell. You have hidden depths, Lachlan. You only need the right person to coax you out of your protective shell," he claimed.
"Are you the right person?" Lachlan wondered, as he took a half step forward.
Cormag took a deep breath and brushed at a strand of hair that was sticking out at a funny angle from behind the top of his ear. He tugged at his short hair every time he talked about his recent break up. He was such a dork. #Quote by Elaine White
Funny As Hell quotes by Gale Martin
#39. If you've ever grown zucchini, you know they all ripen the same day. You wait all of June and July for zucchini. August rolls around, and one day - bam! You have more zucchini than you know what to do with. You start handing them out to your neighbors and friends at work because there's no way any single person can handle all that zucchini. Not even if you're smart and resourceful and have accumulated dozens of good recipes, not even a person who likes zucchini as much as I do.
Grace Savage #Quote by Gale Martin
Funny As Hell quotes by Lili St. Crow
#40. Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch. #Quote by Lili St. Crow
Funny As Hell quotes by Alyssa Rose Ivy
#41. This was one of those non-glamorous parts about college that people never tell you about - worrying that the dilapidated apartment hosting a party would fall apart with you in it. #Quote by Alyssa Rose Ivy
Funny As Hell quotes by Kresley Cole
#42. The crowd quieted as a whole, but more than one creature cursed under his breath, "Not Regin."
A drunk hunched over the bar muttered, "That glowing one made me eat a transistor radio once. #Quote by Kresley Cole
Funny As Hell quotes by Carrie Mesrobian
#43. I was starting to feel like everyone had weird secret relationships now. It made me paranoid as hell. #Quote by Carrie Mesrobian
Funny As Hell quotes by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
#44. Inflation hasn't ruined everything. A dime can still be used as a screwdriver. #Quote by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Funny As Hell quotes by Lisa Kleypas
#45. Amanda Briars was a beautiful woman masquerading as a plain one…she was funny, intelligent, brave, practical, and, most of all, interesting. #Quote by Lisa Kleypas
Funny As Hell quotes by Kerstin Gier
#46. Kissing, said Lesley, ought really to be taught as a school subject, preferably instead of religious studies, which nobody needed. #Quote by Kerstin Gier
Funny As Hell quotes by Grace Burrowes
#47. That is a very different sort of housekeeper you have there," Val said, when the library door had closed behind her. "I know." Westhaven made a sandwich and checked again to make sure his brother hadn't pilfered the marzipan. "She's a little cheeky, to be honest, but does her job with particular enthusiasm. She puts me in mind of Her Grace." "How so?" Val asked, making a sandwich, as well. "Has an indomitable quality about her," Westhaven said between bites. "She bashed me with a poker when she thought I was a caller molesting a housemaid. Put out my lights, thank you very much." "Heavens." Val paused in his chewing. "You didn't summon the watch?" "The appearances were deceiving, and she doesn't know I'd never trifle with a housemaid." "And if you were of a mind to before," Val said, eyeing the marzipan, "you'd sure as hell think twice about it now. #Quote by Grace Burrowes
Funny As Hell quotes by David Foster Wallace
#48. A lot of writers tired of doing kind of hip, slick, funny, dark, exploding hypocrisy, underlining once again the point that life is a farce and we're all in it for ourselves and that the point of life is to amass as much money/fame/sexual gratification, you know, whatever your personal thing is, and that everything else is just glitter or PR image - that we're tired of sort of doing that stuff over and over again. #Quote by David Foster Wallace
Funny As Hell quotes by Fred Hampton
#49. Yes, we do defend our office as we do defend our homes. This is a constitutional right everybody has, and nothing's funny about that. The only reason they get mad at the Black Panther Party when you do it is for the simple reason that we're political. #Quote by Fred Hampton
Funny As Hell quotes by Victoria Scott
#50. There's the guy who trained me, you sexy son-of-a-bitch. I knew you could do this. I told the assistant, I said, 'Do you even know who you're dealing with here? Pfft. Pfft.'"
"You definitely didn't say that."
"Nope. I sure as hell didn't ... #Quote by Victoria Scott
Funny As Hell quotes by J.R. Rain
#51. He released the guy, who charged me instantly. One punch for every dog to have ever been thrown overboard to the sharks. One punch for every shark who'd been butchered alive. One punch didn't settle the score. But it sure as hell felt good. I hit him just under his right eye, so hard that I heard his cheekbone shatter. #Quote by J.R. Rain
Funny As Hell quotes by John Cleese
#52. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play as well. #Quote by John Cleese
Funny As Hell quotes by Martin Clunes
#53. For years, I was either referred to as a 'rubber-faced funny man' or 'the 'Men Behaving Badly' star.' #Quote by Martin Clunes
Funny As Hell quotes by Rumi
#54. Last Night My Soul Cried O Exalted Sphere Of Heaven

Last night my soul cried, "O exalted sphere of Heaven, you hang indeed inverted, with flames in your belly.
"Without sin and crime, eternally revolving upon your body in its complaining is the indigo of mourning;
"Now happy, now unhappy, like Abraham in the fire; at once king and beggar like Ebrahim-e Adham.
"In your form you are terrifying, yet your state is full of anguish: you turn round like a millstone and writhe like a snake."
Heaven the blessed replied, "How should I not fear that one who makes the Paradise of the world as Hell?
"In his hand earth is as wax, he makes it Zangi and Rumi , he makes it falcon and owl, he makes it sugar and poison.
"He is hidden, friend, and has set us forth thus patent so that he may become concealed.
"How should the ocean of the world be concealed under straws? The straws have been set adancing, the waves tumbling up and down'
"Your body is like the land floating on the waters of the soul; your soul is veiled in the body alike in wedding feast or sorrow.
"In the veil you are a new bride, hot-tempered and obstinate; he is railing sweetly at the good and the bad of the world.
"Through him the earth is a green meadow, the heavens are unresting; on every side through him a fortunate one pardoned and preserved.
"Reason a seeker of certainty through him, patience a seeker of help through him, love seeing the unseen t #Quote by Rumi
Funny As Hell quotes by Rachel Hawkins
#55. Why did you break in Mrs. Casnoff's desk for?"
Information on Archer. After he left.
"Ah. You're welcome, by the way?"
For what?
She jiggled the nail harder. "For putting him in his place the other night. Working with The Eye," she scoffed. "Yeah, that's a brilliant plan."
He's just trying to think of something," I said automatically. I wasn't sure why I was defending him when I'd basically said that idea was the stupidest thing ever to have stupided, but I didn't like the scorn in her voice. Well, my voice, her words.
Elodie paused in trying to open the desk drawer and shoved my hair back with both hands. "What's it going to take for you to realize that Archer Cross is bad news? He's an Eye. He's a liar and a jerk, and he's not nearly as funny as he thinks he is. And you're betrothed to Cal. Boys who can heal all wounds and are super hot, to boot? Don't exactly come around every day."
I don't think about Cal like that.
Pressing the point of the nail back into the lock, Elodie snorted. "Um, hi, I've been in your head. You totally think about him like that."
Look,, this isn't a slumber party, I snapped. Can you please get back to work?
"Fine," she muttered. "Don't listen to me. But I'm telling you, Cal is the way to go. Heck, if I had a body, I wouldn't mind-"
I'm going to need you to stop right there.
I'm ninety-nine percent sure she wasn't going to stop right there, but before she could say anything else, the lock o #Quote by Rachel Hawkins
Funny As Hell quotes by Woody Allen
#56. Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses. #Quote by Woody Allen
Funny As Hell quotes by Paul Murray
#57. You know, you spend your childhood watching TV, assuming that at some point in the future everything you see there will one day happen to you: that you too will win a Formula One race, hop a train, foil a group of terrorists, tell someone 'Give me the gun', etc. Then you start secondary school, and suddenly everyone's asking you about your career plans and your long-term goals, and by goals they don't mean the kind you are planning to score in the FA Cup. Gradually the awful truth dawns on you: that Santa Claus was just the tip of the iceberg - that your future will not be the rollercoaster ride you'd imagined, that the world occupied by your parents, the world of washing the dishes, going to the dentist, weekend trips to the DIY superstore to buy floor-tiles, is actually largely what people mean when they speak of 'life'. Now, with every day that passes, another door seems to close, the one marked PROFESSIONAL STUNTMAN, or FIGHT EVIL ROBOT, until as the weeks go by and the doors - GET BITTEN BY SNAKE, SAVE WORLD FROM ASTEROID, DISMANTLE BOMB WITH SECONDS TO SPARE - keep closing, you begin to hear the sound as a good thing, and start closing some yourself, even ones that didn't necessarily need to be closed. #Quote by Paul Murray
Funny As Hell quotes by Agnes Repplier
#58. A kitten is the most irresistible comedian in the world. Its wide-open eyes gleam with wonder and mirth. It darts madly at nothing at all, and then, as though suddenly checked in the pursuit, prances sideways on its hind legs with ridiculous agility and zeal. #Quote by Agnes Repplier
Funny As Hell quotes by Joseph J. Ellis
#59. The issue concerned a minor matter of etiquette: How should the president be addressed by members of Congress? While hardly an earthshaking question, it had symbolic significance because of the obsessive American suspicion of monarchy, which haunted all conversations about the powers of the presidency under the recently ratified constituion...Anyone who favored a strong exective was vulnerable to the charge of being a quasi-monarchist...Adams was so confident in his own revolutionary credentials that he regarded himself as immune to such charges, but when he lectured the Senate on the need for elaborate trappings of authority and proposed the President Washington be addressed as 'His Majesty' or 'His Highness,'his remarks became the butt of serveral barbed jokes, including the suggestion that he had been seized by 'nobilimania' during his long sojourn in England and might prefer to be addressed as 'His Rotundity'or the 'Duke of Braintree.' Jefferson threw up his hands at the sheer stupidity of Adam's proposals, calling them 'the most superlatively ridiculous thing I ever heard of. #Quote by Joseph J. Ellis
Funny As Hell quotes by J.D. Salinger
#60. I just mean that I used to think about old Spencer quite a lot, and if you thought about him too much, you wondered what the heck he was still living for. I mean he was all stooped over, and he had very terrible posture, and in class, whenever he dropped a piece of chalk at the blackboard, some guy in the first row always had to get up and pick it up and hand it to him. That's awful, in my opinion. But if you thought about him just enough and not too much, you could figure it out that he wasn't doing too bad for himself. For instance, one Sunday when some other guys and I went over there for hot chocolate, he showed us this old beat-up Navajo blanket that he and Mrs. Spencer'd bought off some Indian in Yellowstone Park. You could tell old Spencer'd got a big bang out of buying it. That's what I mean. You take somebody old as hell, like old Spencer, and they can get a big bang out of buying a blanket. #Quote by J.D. Salinger
Funny As Hell quotes by Colin Nissan
#61. How rude of me, we haven't even introduced ourselves. We're the Andersons. I'm Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun hat is my wife Amy, and these are our best friends/children, Evan and Amy Jr. As you can see, we're very fit and active. You know what our family's average percentage of body fat is? Three. Yes, really. We got it tested last year when we all became organ donors.
You may have noticed that I'm carrying Amy on my back. We do that a lot. At least once a day, and not just when we're in fields like this; we do it on beaches and in urban environments as well. That's what happens when your love is deep and playful like ours. You should also know that we also dab frosting on each other's noses every single time we eat cupcakes, which is both mischievous and very us. Do you guys even eat cupcakes? #Quote by Colin Nissan
Funny As Hell quotes by Harlan Coben
#62. A dancer on break approached him. She smiled. Each tooth was angled in a different direction, as if her mouth were the masterwork of a mad orthodontist.
"Hi," she said.
"You're really cute."
"I don't have any money."
She spun and walked away. Ah, romance. #Quote by Harlan Coben
Funny As Hell quotes by Hilary Thayer Hamann
#63. They were sorting, or classifying. It's easy-anyone dressed funny is the enemy, especially if they reject your supremacy or do not acknowledge school as entertainment. If the enemy tries to look like you and act like you, only in more affordable clothes, that person is still the enemy, only of a more contemptible, less terrifying variety- #Quote by Hilary Thayer Hamann
Funny As Hell quotes by Sue Ann Jaffarian
#64. It is not against the law to be a nincompoop. If so, I would have a rap sheet as long as my arm. #Quote by Sue Ann Jaffarian
Funny As Hell quotes by Maya Angelou
#65. I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'Well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach. #Quote by Maya Angelou
Funny As Hell quotes by Kiera Cass
#66. When we met, you couldn't stop staring at my breasts."
His face went pale, as if he seriously thought he was so subtle no one would notice. "Make sure you get an equally satisfactory look a my backside as you leave. #Quote by Kiera Cass
Funny As Hell quotes by Neil Gaiman
#67. The young woman was crying, in the way that grownups cry, keeping it inside as much as they can, and hating it when it still pushes out at the edges, making them ugly and funny-looking on the way. #Quote by Neil Gaiman
Funny As Hell quotes by Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
#68. Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable. #Quote by Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
Funny As Hell quotes by Jax Garren
#69. How many men just waltzed right in to enemy territory, outnumbered and with no evident exit plan? He was either stupid as hell or his absolute command of the situation was hella sexy. #Quote by Jax Garren
Funny As Hell quotes by Yogi Berra
#70. As a general comment on baseball:"90% of the game is half mental." #Quote by Yogi Berra
Funny As Hell quotes by Scott Adams
#71. If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it. #Quote by Scott Adams
Funny As Hell quotes by Katie McGarry
#72. You can ignore me, Rachel, and you can try to treat me as a friend, but none of that will erase the fact that I think about kissing you every second I'm awake and dream at night of my hands on your body. And it sure as hell won't erase that I'm terrified by how much I like you. #Quote by Katie McGarry
Funny As Hell quotes by Kristan Higgins
#73. Nicole's door opened, and she stomped down the hall. "I have something to say," she said, giving him the Slitty Eyes of Death. "You're totally unfair, and if I run away, you shouldn't be surprised." "Don't make me put a computer chip in your ear," Liam answered. "It's not funny! I hate you." "Well, I love you, even if you did ruin my life by turning into a teenager," he said, rubbing his eyes. "Did you study for your test?" "Yes." "Good." He looked at his daughter - so much like Emma, way too pretty. Why weren't there convent schools anymore? Or chastity belts? "Want some supper? I saved your plate." She rolled her eyes with all the melodrama a teenager could muster. "Fine. I may as well become a fat pig since I can't ever go on a date." "That's my girl," he said and, grinning, got up to heat up her dinner. #Quote by Kristan Higgins
Funny As Hell quotes by Derek Landy
#74. Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!'
Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back. #Quote by Derek Landy
Funny As Hell quotes by David Cross
#75. What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids ... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate? #Quote by David Cross
Funny As Hell quotes by Teresa Medeiros
#76. Me mum always told me the rich was blessed, but I thought she was talkin' about gold." She leaned over to cackle in his ear, then actually patted him on the head as if he was some slavering lapdog. "You might have escaped the gallows, lad, but you was already well hung. #Quote by Teresa Medeiros
Funny As Hell quotes by Brandon Sanderson
#77. I grunted, hauling the rope hand over hand. A plaintive squeak came from the pulley system with each draw, as if I had strapped some unfortunate mouse to a torture device and was twisting with glee. #Quote by Brandon Sanderson
Funny As Hell quotes by Victoria James
#78. A year ago, you fell into my arms and I felt some crazy connection to you. I'm sure as hell not good enough for you, and I'm sure as hell not making any promises, but I'm damn sure you were worth waiting for. #Quote by Victoria James
Funny As Hell quotes by Will McIntosh
#79. Nietzsche said 'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger,'" Jim said to me as we slogged along another trash-strewn roadside." "Yeah, right," I said. "How about radiation? #Quote by Will McIntosh
Funny As Hell quotes by Alan W. Watts
#80. He has a funny look in his eyes as if to say, "Come off it, Shiva, I know what you are up to, I know what you are doing." And you say, "What, me?" So he looks at you in this funny way until finally you get the feeling that he sees all the way through you; and that all your selfishness and evil, nasty thoughts are transparent to his gaze. Then you have to try and alter them. He suggests that you practice the control of the mind, that you become interiorly silent, and that you give up selfish desires of the skin-encapsulated self. Then you may have some success in quieting your mind and in concentrating. But after that, he will throw a curve at you, which is: Are you not still desiring not to desire? Why are you trying to be unselfish? Well, the answer is, "I want to be on the side of the big battalions. I think it is going to pay off better to be unselfish than to be selfish. #Quote by Alan W. Watts
Funny As Hell quotes by J.D. Salinger
#81. I think it should be done over, Buddy. …Please make peace with your wit. It's not going to go away, Buddy. To dump it on your own advice would be as bad and unnatural as dumping your adjectives and your adverbs because Prof. B. wants you to. What does he know about it? What do you really know about your own wit?

I've been sitting here tearing up notes to you. I keep starting to say things like 'This one is wonderfully constructed,' and 'The conversation between the two cops is terrific.' So I'm hedging. I'm not sure why. I started to get a little nervous right after you began to read. It sounded like the beginning of something your arch-enemy Bob B. calls a rattling good story. Don't you think he would call this a step in the right direction? Doesn't that worry you? Even what is funny about the woman on the back of the truck doesn't sound like something you think is funny. It sounds much more like something that you think is universally considered funny. I feel gypped. Does that make you mad? You can say our relatedness spoils my judgement. It worries me enough. But I'm also just a reader. Are you a writer or just a writer of rattling good stories. I mind getting a rattling good story from you. #Quote by J.D. Salinger
Funny As Hell quotes by Paula Wall
#82. Old woman, you don't thump the Bible at me- you beat it like a drum."
"That's because along with being hardheaded, you are apparently hard of hearing."
Charlotte pushed off her rocker so hard it slammed against the wall. Nothing irritated her more than having religion shoved down her throat. And no one carried a bigger shovel than Lettie.
"Baptists are like fleas!" Charlotte flared. "Impossible to get rid of and irritating as hell!"
"On Judgement Day," Lettie said smugly, "I have no doubt the burn will take your mind off the itch. #Quote by Paula Wall
Funny As Hell quotes by Sean Coons
#83. Like many things born in the '70s, the Information Age is not aging well. It started with so much promise in its youth - unlimited access to the collective knowledge of mankind and all that. But now it's going through a midlife crisis, and instead of just divorcing its wife and buying a Porsche like everyone else, it has decided to reinvent itself as The Propaganda Age. #Quote by Sean Coons
Funny As Hell quotes by Jeff Daniels
#84. And regardless of the fact that in this country, certainly in the arts, we treat comedy as a second-class citizen, I've never thought of it that way. I've always thought it to be important. The last time I looked, the Greeks were holding up two masks. I've always thought of it not only as having equal value, but as the craft of it, being funny. #Quote by Jeff Daniels
Funny As Hell quotes by Terry Pratchett
#85. And the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves. #Quote by Terry Pratchett
Funny As Hell quotes by Zsa Zsa Gabor
#86. There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men's advances as long as they are in cash #Quote by Zsa Zsa Gabor
Funny As Hell quotes by Robert A. Heinlein
#87. Widows are far better than brides. They don't tell, they won't yell, they don't swell, they rarely smell, and they're grateful as hell. #Quote by Robert A. Heinlein
Funny As Hell quotes by Carl Hiaasen
#88. Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty. #Quote by Carl Hiaasen

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