Azzawi Maher Quotes

#1. Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. #Quote by Bill Maher

#2. Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she's demanding that we invade 'Tsunami.' #Quote by Bill Maher

#3. New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there was that teensy, tiny thing about being warned constantly over the last forty years but still creating more urban sprawl, failing to build public transport, buying gas-guzzlers, and voting for oil company shills. So, New Rule: Shut the fuck up about gas prices. #Quote by Bill Maher

#4. I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of? #Quote by Bill Maher

#5. The federal government ... announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their (butts) with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay. #Quote by Bill Maher

#6. Next week John Boehner will be sitting behind Barack Obama at the State of the Union address. I think Obama should purposely try to embarrass him by telling the story of 'Old Yeller.' The state of our Union is strong, but not so good for one special dog.' #Quote by Bill Maher

#7. I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sara Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote tax cuts on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing- Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said Road Runner. #Quote by Bill Maher

#8. To paraphrase the great Will Rogers, El Rusho never met a pharmacist he did not like. #Quote by Bill Maher

#9. We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home. #Quote by Bill Maher

#10. It's a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really need and are really a bargain, like gas and postage stamps, but we willingly shell out outrageous amounts for unnecessary crap like gourmet coffee and soap to make your crotch smell good. Two dollars a gallon to go ten miles is too much, but five to the parking valet to go ten feet is okay. #Quote by Bill Maher

#11. The New York Times - but the whole country gives it that weight. It's like the Asian kid in math class. Everybody in the media cheats off The New York Times. #Quote by Bill Maher

#12. New Rule: Stop hitting on women at the dog park. Yes, we're talking to you, divorced guy with a ponytail. That better be a Milk-Bone in your pocket, because we're not glad to see you. Women come to the park to exercise their dogs, not to socialize with hounds. They wouldn't pick you up if they had a plastic bag on their hand. Although if you're determined to meet a woman at the dog park, here's a tip: Get a dog. #Quote by Bill Maher

#13. Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye. #Quote by Bill Maher

#14. This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo. #Quote by Bill Maher

#15. New Rule: You can't bum-rush the president for autographs after he just lectured you for an hour about how you have to grow up. Have some dignity, for Christ's sake. He's your coworker, not Hannah Montana. If you're this crazy about him now, what are you going to do if he turns the country around, ask him to sign your tit? #Quote by Bill Maher

#16. New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn't squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I suppose I could shake the bottle first, but fuck you, I'm an American consumer. Not only should your mustard be pre-blended to my specifications, it should also whiten my teeth. #Quote by Bill Maher

#17. First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely eyed realists. And millions and millions of men who are anything but. However. For lack of a better term I would say that the feminine values are the values of america :
Sensitivity is more important than Truth. Feeling are more important than Facts. Commitment is more important than Individuality. Children are more important than People. Safety is more important than Fun.
I always hear women say 'Y'know married men live longer'.
Yes. And an indoor cat also, lives longer. #Quote by Bill Maher

#18. When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea. #Quote by Bill Maher

#19. Mitt Romney comes from a Mormon background. I don't know how many wives he has. I'm not saying that I believe in that, I'm just saying he was born on a Mormon compound. I'm not a 'Wifer' but for some reason he's never shown his original marriage certificate. #Quote by Bill Maher

#20. Love does not conquer all. #Quote by Bill Maher

#21. When my daughter was born, I was a stay-at-home dad for the first two years. #Quote by Sean Maher

#22. Every day I think, 'Gosh, I wish I could be like George Carlin, Bill Maher: I want that edge.' But every time I start to get that edgy thing, I get kind of mean. #Quote by Tom Smothers

#23. People who call themselves divas ... you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt. #Quote by Sarah Silverman

#24. Rick Santorum has come out against contraception and against college. He wants us literally to be f**king stupid. #Quote by Bill Maher

#25. The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, 'You know what? Let's just grab lunch.' #Quote by Bill Maher

#26. The President said that Gold told him to invade Iraq. You see that's what happens when you mix New Testament and Old Milwaukee. #Quote by Bill Maher

#27. The Hollywood executives are, like, 'We're not racist, we just have to pretend to be racists because we're capitalists. We want to sell our movies in China (and) they don't like Kevin Hart. #Quote by Bill Maher

#28. Sarah Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school. #Quote by Bill Maher

#29. If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church. #Quote by Bill Maher

#30. People like Bill Maher, who brags about being a cynic, it sickens me. I am the least cynical person I know, and I am very, very skeptical. #Quote by Penn Jillette

#31. False hope really makes you cynical. #Quote by Bill Maher

#32. A flu shot just compromises your immune system. #Quote by Bill Maher

#33. New Rule: If the guy who makes up the poll questions at CNN doesn't want to do it anymore more, he should just quit. This is an actual recent poll question: "Would you like to live on the moon?" And the shocking results: No, as it turns out, we would not like to live on the moon. This is the cable news equivalent of being in a dead-end relationship with an idiot. "What are you thinking?" "I dunno, honey, I guess I was just wondering how many Americans would like to live on the moon. #Quote by Bill Maher

#34. To give you an idea how slowly we are leaving Afghanistan, Afghans don't refer to us anymore as 'infidel crusaders.' They refer to us as 'Irish relatives.' #Quote by Bill Maher

#35. New Rule: The rest of the world can go back to being completely jealous of America. Our majority white country just freely elected a black president, something no other democracy has ever done. Take that Canada! Where's your nubian warrior president? Your head of state is a boring white dude named Steven Harper, and mine is a kick-ass black ninja named Barack Hussein Obama! #Quote by Bill Maher

#36. If you send more than one news van to cover Dancing with the Stars, then you have to change your name from Eyewitness News to Guess What, You Guys? #Quote by Bill Maher

#37. New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn't look like you're working
it looks like you're playing Battleship. #Quote by Bill Maher